Sunday, January 1st, 2012

It's noon. I've been thinking lately.

What is life? Animals, plants—they live to survive, reproduce, and then what?

They die.

Is that the purpose of living creatures—to carry on this meaningless cycle?

Humans live a life of pain, emotions, and happenings. What is the purpose of all this? How should I live? Should a human live to do good for others? Or to be ruthless in obtaining one's wants? Christians and Buddhists and many others say to do good things for others. But so what? Christian heaven, Buddhist nirvana, Hindu moksha—is there really a purpose when achieving this?

Should one do good to attain a gratification?

Then how come in Greek mythology, there are so many tragedies of those who are "good"? In history, tyrants and "evil" ministers have fancied and lived in luxury off of "good" people. Those who lived to help others lived in poverty and stress. Why is fate so cruel?

Maybe because I am a teenager, I am thinking of these things.

Confucius says to be obedient to your parents. Fiddlesticks. Parents give birth to you because they were selfish. They deserve not reward but punishment for bringing you to this cruel world. Daoism says that the worldly things of humanity are empty. Lao Zi is right. I should look upon things lightly. Yet I understand that humans are selfish creatures.

Everything that they do is for themselves. Only foolish people give up themselves for others. The world is hopelessly evil. There is evil everywhere.

I must protect myself in order to help others. It is not others first. It is me first. The only thing I can protect myself with is selfishness. There is no such thing as love. Love only comes with power, gain.

Yet I love Vincent. I have nothing to gain.

So perplexed.

My life should be one centered completely on myself.

Yet it is not.

I should not take everything so heavily.

Yet I do.

I should look at the long run and be aware of myself and others.

Yet I cannot. My love is proof.

I cannot be a god. I cannot obtain the acceptance, admiration, and liking of all others.

Where is my will, where is my understanding?