In an alley by the nightclub, Danger and Caesar were in the middle of a heated debate.
"All I'm saying is," Danger stressed, "why didn't you shove them out the room before you killed the Parasite?"
"That's what you'd do." Caesar retorted.
"I'm not you."
"Still, if you had cleared the room of sheep you wouldn't have witnesses of you killing the fucking worm."
Caesar decided to get back at Danger. "And how many times did your mother wash your mouth with soap?" Danger just gave a jaded stare. "Anyway, what does it matter that two people saw me kill the Parasite?"
"They might tell someone." Danger had opted to use a monotone voice, since his usual accent wasn't doing anything to help his case.
Caesar just beamed. "The possibility of that happening is... next to none. Don't worry about it."
Danger had no intention of giving up just yet. "You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public. Anyway, according to the latest figures, 43% of all statistics are utterly worthless."
"You would say that," Caesar muttered, louder he said "I have a patrol to run."
"I'll drop by tomorrow then."
They approached the end of the alley; Caesar turned left, Danger right.
Gertrude and Charlotte were, once again, walking down a street. Only this time it was considerably less crowded with only a few stragglers.
Gertrude wasted no time in asking, "So what do you think of Caesar and Danger?"
Charlotte knew she'd have to answer, lest Gertrude kept on at her. "What is there to think? Caesar's strange and Danger is definitely not what someone should call normal."
"Still, if I wasn't already married, I'd so take Danger up the –"
"Please!" Charlotte yelled, "Shut up before you say something you'll regret!"
"It's funny," Gertrude commented, "the people who want quiet are always the loudest getting people to shut up."
"Will you stop going on about men," Charlotte snapped, then added "or me, or me and men! You know what I think? Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped."
Gertrude gaped. "You don't mean that!"
"Yes," Charlotte replied, "I do, because I don't want to settle down."
They reached the end of the street.
"I'll see you after my shift," Gertrude smiled.
"Yeah," Charlotte agreed, "tomorrow."
Danger limped heavily down a desolate street at dawn. He was bleeding slightly from a cut above his eye.
He looked about, as if searching for pursuers. Finding none, he shrugged in an it's-nothing kind of way.
He sauntered passed two more houses before being jumped on by an old lady.
The old lady was, obviously, old, she was pale, wrinkled, had iron grey hair and wearing the latest fashion of 'Old People's Weekly'. But all that was nothing in comparison to what Danger found out three nanoseconds later.
"I'll kill you!" she screamed, "I'll kill you, fucking Nazi!"
"What the fuck, man?" Danger asked no one in particular.
His answer came in the form of the old woman screeching "Get back to Hell, Nazi!"
Danger decided to name the woman 'Ninja Grandma' as he got pummelled by her with moves that closely resembled Tai Chi and Kong Fu.
Ninja Grandma kicked Danger over and straddled him, she yelled "Get out of here, fucking Nazi!" while punching him.
"What?" Danger yelped, getting beaten up all the more, "How can I leave if you're hitting me?"
Danger thought that now would be a good time to fight back.
But whatever he did, Ninja Grandma fought back just as hard.
Eventually, Danger kicked her in the solar plexus and watched her fly across the street. She landed on a car, which started beeping its alarm.
"Can't I kill some Parasite without getting attacked by crazy old ladies?" Danger wondered aloud.
Said old lady got up off the car and staggered across the road.
"I've had enough of you Nazis sixty years ago," she snarled, "can't I grow to old age in peace?
"Uh, no," Danger smiled, "lady, you're already old, and I'm not a Nazi."
"Liar!" she screamed.
"Argh!" Danger threw his arms up in disbelief, "I hate old people!"
He hit Ninja Grandma again, and she flew, yet again, into the road. This time, she got hit by an oncoming truck.
Danger reflected the truck had good timing.
The next morning found Caesar, in his basement, sitting in a swivel chair, typing something on his computer when Danger staggered in.
"Good morning, Danger," Caesar grinned cheerfully, "Sleep well?"
"Sleep!" Danger stifled a yawn, "No! I didn't get to sleep!"
"And why was that?" Caesar spun around and saw Danger had multiple wounds and lots of bruises. "Wow that is some injury."
"Some injury!" Danger cried incredulity, "I was attacked by a killer grandma!"
Caesar reached for a first aid kit, "Uh huh, killer old woman. Sure, why not?"
Danger's eyes turned a supernatural blue colour while his pupils went vertical, his pointed teeth turned into fangs. His usual accent was more pronounced as he snarled "Don't mock me, human."
Caesar turned around casually, first aid kit in hand, and commented about as relaxed as you can get, "Put them away."
Danger snarled once, an inhuman sound, as his face shifted back to human.
"Thank you. Care to tell me about the 'killer grandma?"
"Why," Danger asked, "you'll laugh."
"As your friend, I promise you I won't laugh."
"Fine. I was on my way home last night, deserted street, some old woman attacks me. She said I was a Nazi."
Caesar laughed anyway. Danger felt he was entitled to slap Caesar's arm.
"You said you wouldn't laugh," Danger protested, then sighed. "She fought like Jackie Chan and Chuck Norris. I never knew an old woman could fight like that!"
Caesar started to clean the cuts, he pushed Danger into the couch, "I can't believe an old lady could fight like that, maybe she was on steroids."
"I doubt that." There was a pause before Danger burst out with a "And I'm not a Nazi!"
"I know that," Caesar soothed, "and you know that."
Danger bounced in his seat, "The old lady got flattened by a truck."
"And you're happy about that, why?"
"If you ever get attacked by a crazy old bat, you'll be happy a truck took her out."
"You're a poet, did you know it?"
Danger slapped Caesar again, Caesar laughed.
"Would you like these cleaned?"
In an office, Gertrude was typing quickly on a computer. Around her, in other cubicles, workers were also busy at computers.
Gertrude's monitor had a pop-ups flash up, one of those that have nothing to do with anything. Gertrude clicks the 'x', but nothing happens.
She spied the supervisor walking past and called out.
The supervisor saw Gertrude and headed over. "It's Gertrude, right?"
"There's a pop-up that won't close."
"Have you tried closing the window?"
"Yes, that was the first thing I did."
"Are you sure? You could have gotten it wrong."
"I clicked the 'x'. It didn't do anything."
The supervisor leaned over, giving Gertrude a nice view of his Armani covered butt, and did something to her computer.
Whatever he did, the pop-up disappeared.
"Just get back to work."
As he walked away, Gertrude sighed as she slumped in her chair.
Outside a tall building, Charlotte had a cup of coffee in her hands, her earbuds in and was leaning against the wall.
She saw Gertrude approach, but didn't hear what she said.
Gertrude saw the buds in her friend's ears and pulled them out.
"Did you hear a word I just said?" she asked Charlotte.
"I'll take that as a no, then."
"What did you say?"
Gertrude played the if-I'm-sad-you'll-be-sorry-for-me game.
"It doesn't matter, you wouldn't be interested."
The game worked, as Charlotte says "Aw, now I'm all sad, you have to tell me now."
Gertrude sighed. "Okay. There was this pop-up that almost crashed my computer, but the supervisor came and saved my work!"
Charlotte is less than impressed. "Really?"
"Yeah! He's kinda strange, he asked me if I closed the window of the pop-up, as if I didn't know that to get rid of it I needed to do that. I think it was a stupid question."
"There are no stupid questions," Charlotte told her, "just stupid people."
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Gertrude started being happy when she asked "You up for another night at the new club? See if it's good?"
"Of cause," Charlotte replied. "It is a Saturday, and I have nothing better to do."
Danger was lounging on his sofa, listening to Blood on the Dance Floor's Happy Violentine's Day; his front room looking like a tornado had been through, when the phone rang.
Danger struggled to get up, his injuries were worse than he let on earlier, he reached the phone just before it went to voicemail.
"Hey, man," Caesar greeted on the other end of the line, "how are you? And don't say fine, because I know you, and you make out that your wounds aren't as bad as they look."
"Remind me to kill you later."
Caesar laughed. "Not likely!" He sobered up enough to sound sincere, "How're you holding up?"
"Ah, I've had worse."
"I don't doubt that you have."
Danger tucked the phone between his shoulder and ear so he could roll up his sleeve to view his bandaged arm. Blood had soaked through the bandage.
"Was there a point to this call, or are you wasting my time?"
"I wanted to know of you were free tonight, I was headed out to that new club, Toxic Mafia. Wanna join me?"
"Yeah," Danger shook his sleeve down, "but you might wanna replace my bandages..."
"That's fine, meet you at seven at my place?"
"Yeah, and make sure the bandages are tight."
Outside a warehouse, a large queue is gathered round the entrance. A neon sign mounted on the wall declared the place 'Toxic Mafia'.
Charlotte and Gertrude are in the crowd, somewhere, and there was a lot a excited talk going on.
The doors opened and a seriously muscled bouncer stood by it with arms over his chest. He gets the crowd thinned, some get turned away, but most go through.
When Charlotte and Gertrude are up, he asked for their I.D.s
"Sure." Gertrude fished in her bag.
"Never leave home without it." Charlotte hands hers over and the bouncer nods and hands it back.
Gertrude finds hers and also gets admitted.
Inside, they find an underground grunge style club, Alice in Chains is blaring from the speakers, and coloured smoke blurred most things. They found themselves in the middle of a dancing mass of bodies.
Charlotte had you yell to be heard. "Do you like it?"
"Not at all," Gertrude shouted back," let's go!"
Charlotte spotted Danger in the crowd, and pointed this out to Gertrude.
Charlotte rolled her eyes and Gertrude vigorously looked around, she spotted Caesar and Danger by the bar. She trotted over, Charlotte not far behind.
By the bar, this looks like a normal bar painted black with neon strips, Caesar and Danger are enjoying the music.
"I like it here," Caesar told Danger, "we should come back again."
"Yeah," Danger agreed, "Seattle sound is wick."
"What the fuck does 'wick' mean?"
"An abbreviation of wicked. Wick."
"I do worry about you sometimes."
"Sometimes?" Danger spotted movement over Caesar's shoulder, "Head's up, trouble's approaching."
As it was, 'trouble' meant Charlotte and Gertrude, who sat down next to the Hunters.
"You ladies like it here?" Caesar asked them, and Danger hoped it was because he was being polite.
"Oh yeah!" Gertrude shrieked, "We love it here!"
"Funny," Charlotte muttered dryly, "you said ten seconds ago you hated it and wanted out."
Danger laughed, "Gertie hates grunge."
"Shut it, Danger," Gertrude snarled.
"Ooh," Danger teased, "Gertie's testy."
"How can a girl be testy," Caesar asked, "if they have oestrogen instead of testosterone?"
"Pedantic," Danger muttered.
"Yeah, that's right," a bit quieter, Caesar muttered, "Stupid demon."
Charlotte was alarmed, "Did you just say 'demon'?"
Danger perked up at the word 'demon'. "What?"
"Uh," Caesar thought of something quickly, "nothing, go back to hating the music."
"But I like the music," Danger protested, "she can hate it" he pointed at Charlotte "but I wanna know why you said that in front of sheep."
"Sheep?" Gertrude asked, "Did you seriously just call up sheep?"
"Would you like an explanation?" Caesar asked, "Of everything?"
"What did I say last night?" Danger warned.
"You got attacked by a ninja grandma?" Caesar asked innocently.
"No! That was this morning! It was about the general public."
"You got attacked?" Charlotte asked, "By an old lady?"
"She was psycho!" Danger defended his honour, but the women didn't buy it.
"Not the point," Gertrude smirked, "You lost coolness points for getting the shit beaten out of you by an old woman."
Caesar came to his friend's rescue. "Would you like the explanation?"
"Yeah!" Gertrude yelled.
"Oh, God," Danger groaned, "What are you gonna say?"
"Okay, the truth?" Caesar asked, Gertrude and Charlotte nodded. "That thing you saw last night? That was a Parasite. Parasites don't want to be killed; they want to overrun our world. They lay their eggs in a chosen host, then eat their way out of them. No-one knows where the Parasites are. And it's too late to save the victim. But there are Hunters. The job description for the Hunters is simple. Kill the Parasites. I'm a Hunter. As is Danger, although he's a demon who hunts other demons." Caesar paused. "Namely Parasites."
Charlotte looked mildly disturbed. Gertrude like she was trying not to laugh.
Alice in Chains, the music that was blaring, had been changed to Another Way to Die by Disturbed, metal to the extreme.
Charlotte was not about to be put off. "You expect us to believe you?"
"But Danger's human." Gertrude complained, "I mean, he looks human, so he must be human."
For the second time that day, Danger's eyes and teeth changed to something more demonic.
"Looks can be misleading, Gertie," Danger snarled with his deepened accent.
"But you're insane!" Charlotte yelled, "You must be insane if you believe that's real."
"Oh yeah!" Danger howled, "I'm the kind of man who will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday."
"You're not a man," Gertrude murmured darkly, "you're a demon."
Danger stared at Gertrude like she'd grown another head.
Danger turned to Caesar. "You want to know why I was following her." Caesar nodded. "Because a Parasite is gonna eat its way out of her. It's already started."
Gertrude doubled over in pain. Charlotte tried to help, but Danger held her back.
Gertrude jerked up, breathing heavily, blood pooled in her mouth and trickled down the corners. A loud tearing sound is heard and blood soaked through her clothes. She collapsed.
Charlotte, meanwhile, tried in vain to get free of Danger's supernaturally strong hold.
Caesar pulled a dagger from his sleeve as he walked towards the Parasite that had just been freed from Gertrude.
Caesar told Danger, "You get Charlotte to safety. I'll take care of this motherfucker."
"Motherfucking snakes," Danger muttered under his breath as he dragged a struggling Charlotte, "on this motherfucking plane!"
"Danger!" Caesar snapped to Danger, who was trying to get a freed Charlotte to go with him, "We are trying to save people here."
"Fuck you asshole!" Danger yelled at Caesar, "I'm dragging a female who may or may not have access to that part of any male anatomy where other males all have an unspoken law of where-not-to-hit!"
Danger finally managed to subdue Charlotte with super-speed by grabbing her waist. Although she could still scream.
Caesar was fighting the Parasite, and winning. A well-aimed blow knocks it down, but before anyone can do anything, Danger unceremoniously dumped Charlotte and used his fangs to kill the Parasite.
"I had that covered." Caesar noted.
"Of cause you did," Danger remarked, "I just wanted to join in the fun."
Charlotte picked herself up from the floor. "Thank you for checking to make sure I wasn't hurt before you joined Caesar in the fight."
"Sometimes," Caesar speculated aloud, "I wonder if you're naturally sarcastic, or if you do it because you hate me."
Danger wasn't going to back down from Charlotte's attempt at sarcasm. "Sarcasm doesn't work on a sarcastic person."
Charlotte just rolled her eyes while Caesar coughed to hide a laugh.
Charlotte wanted to know if Gertrude was alright, so she tried to see past Caesar, who appeared to be blocking all viewing rights.
With a sigh, she shoved past him and screamed. What she saw was not pretty, Gertrude had a ragged hole in her middle, blood-soaked clothes and a painful expression on her pale face.
Her screams alerted the other people at the club, and once they saw what she did, they ran in circles for the exit.
Charlotte appeared to be paralyzed.
"Well," Danger said, "this is what happens when sheep get involved. Everyone winds up screaming."
"Yeah," Caesar agreed, then his face turned grim. "And now we're gonna have to play sheep so we can get out of here without attracting attention."
Caesar picked up Charlotte, who was staring, transfixed at Gertrude, while Danger finished his drink.
They both headed out with the rest of the crowd.
NIJA GRANDMA! I loved that scene!
My friend told me the word 'wick' and I was like Caesar.
You may have to wait a while for chapter three, I'm only like half a page in as my muse has run away, but don't worry, I shall still prevail.