- Reality -
We were all alone, just him and me.
I felt uncomfortable, which made perfect sense. I had the greatest crush on him since forever.
Now we were all alone, he might easily notice it. There was no one else around to distract him.
I couldn't imagine the embarrassment I would have to go through if he found out. If he confronted me. He had every right to confront me. This kind of relationship I dreamt of is inappropriate. He knew that and I did. But it isn't wrong to feel desire, is it? As long as nothing happens, all is well, right?
"You know, I'm wondering what we're still doing here. We should probably go home."
We. He used "we". Why did I have to start pretending right now? I could have killed myself for this way of thinking right now. What if he heard what I was thinking? I mean, you never know for sure with people these days. They have a strange habit of guessing my thoughts. I sincerely hoped he wouldn't. The shame. I'd kill myself for having to go through that. For finding out he knew how I imagined him. Imagined him and me. Or just him. Just him on a sunny beach. Or wait no, not sunny, rather... hot.
Yes. A hot beach; so hot normal clothes would be too warm. So hot he would have to undress and make the beach even hotter.
I'd die from shame if he found out how I wondered if his warm, solid chest would be fuzzy or smooth.
He'd think of me as a pathetic baby if he knew I imagined him, with his arms wrapped around me or vice versa, at some occasions, left alone long enough with my thoughts to keep me company.
If only he knew. He would run away screaming most likely.
"Let's go then," I eventually said,"have a nice holiday, I guess. I thought I heard some teachers say you're going to hike in the mountains. Have fun."
I tried to hide the disappointment in my voice, for I had spent numerous nights dreaming I'd be the lucky one accompanying him on those adventurous journeys.
I stretched my hand out to the door knob exactly when he did. I was the first to grab it, for I was closer to the door. Still, his hand brushed softly over mine, sending shivers down my spine.
I looked up, straight into his eyes, noticing the silent question in his smouldering brown eyes, as he noticed the same question in mine.
I can't remember which one of us answered first, but before I knew, I was with my back against the wall, caught off guard, thus surprised as he pressed his lips against my throat.
First softly, exploring, then rather roughly, as if he was out of patience.
I couldn't stop thinking, thousands of thoughts flowing my mind at the same time. This wasn't right, but it felt so good. Wrong wouldn't feel this good. I'm going to hell by doing this. Let me go to hell. Hell, I'll go anywhere just to keep this moment.
I was alive. I had never been more alive than at the moment. I wanted this to never stop.
My lips found his, and I couldn't control myself, I just had to, I had to rip his shirt open, so I did. My hands were all over him, pushing him closer to me. His hands were everywhere too. I gasped for breath, kissed him again, again and again. I couldn't stop. The suppression had to stop. The... urge, so to speak, was too big to stop myself.
I had to seize the moment, before we would come to our senses.
Suddenly, he stopped. I caught his gaze, fixed on the door.
Would he leave me like this? In this vulnerable state? Dying for more? That would be really great. Leaving the other one begging for more.
I should have known he was the type to simply walk off, as soon as he had conquered his latest victim.
He didn't move though.
"I get it if you want to go", I said, in between deep breaths.
"Who said anything about going?" He said as he grabbed the key in the lock and twisted it. The solid clicking noise assured me. He wouldn't leave just yet.
It was him and me now. Just us, and no-one would, could come between that now. Not now.
I grabbed him again, pulled him closer, allowed myself to lose control just this once. So did he.
This was eternity. Life at its purest.
"Yes I am. Me and my girlfriend do that every year. We intend to go to Switzerland this holiday."
His words woke me up from my little daydream. Confused as I was by all that my mind had just made up, I nodded, avoiding any eye contact.
I muttered something like "Have fun", and turned quickly to open the door, to escape from this nightmare. It had all been pure and utter imagination.
"Wait!" He suddenly said, so I turned around again, looked at that face I had come to love so much, those soft features I would have loved to caress for real.
Those eyes where I could have found the meaning of life, given enough time to gaze, of course.
"Have a nice holiday yourself as well. Do you have any plans?"
I sighed. "Not really. I'm celebrating Yule with family. That's all. The rest of the holiday I'll spend alone." He lifted an eyebrow, as to express his disbelief that such boring loners really existed.
"Not to worry, though," I said," I've come to like solitude. One gets used to it."
I knew the look he was giving me. The pity look.
It disgusted me.
I quickly opened the door and quit the room, before I died of self loathing.
I hated everything and everyone. Him even most of all. He triggered my vivid imagination. He shouldn't have.
Why did he have to mess with my head? Why did he even pretend the care? I didn't need it and I sure as hell didn't want it.
If it were up to me, I'd have him vanish to some place far away from me and my memories of him. If there is any god that exists, they would show me such mercy.
My tormentor must disappear from my life. I cannot stand this vexation any longer.
Day in, day out. The everlasting torment. It has to stop.
"Why are you so distracted? Your mind seems to wander off the whole time. Is everything alright?"
I took a deep breath, came to my senses again.
My mind does that often, playing tricks on me. Making me imagine things.
I shivered. I dared not utter a single word, too afraid reality would set in and end this moment of total bliss.
"It's cold," he said, slight worry in his warm voice,"We should probably put our clothes back on."
I sighed. "Probably."
Not that I was feeling the cold. His big arms around me were all I needed to keep me warm and safe.
He softly kissed my forehead.
"I don't want to go either, but we wouldn't want to get caught now, would we?"
"Ah, this was bad of us. What if anyone finds out?" I muttered, reluctant to move out of that tight embrace.
"This will be our little secret", he said, smiling that wonderful smile, a naughty sparkle in those eyes I loved so dearly.
"So be it. Our little secret."
I kinda liked the sound of that.
A/N: Review would be much appreciated. ;)