WARNING: There is self-harm in this chapter and if you do not wish tp read it then just skip over the last chapter when she's home from her dads. other than that enjoy and leave reveiws!
Friday August 17, 2012
I woke up at 6am for no reason today. I could wake up at seven but no I have to wake at 6 so I have a half hour for my anxiety to act up (I get anxious when there's a possibility I may be late for a reason).
So, I wake at 6am get dressed blah, blah, blah, and all that crap.
I'm dressed and ready.
Yesterday I promised my two friends who arein high school that I would go outside everyday to talk to them while they wait for the bus. I do. Like yesterday Jen tries to get me to go on the bus with them and go to high school with them even though I have a year to go still.
"what would I do all day, Jen?" I ask her
"You could eat lunch,"
"what about the rest of the day?"
"you could stake out in the library all day and read! They really don't care who's in there,"
"Sounds fun but I'll pass,"
"Please! I wish you weren't in eighth grade so you could come with!"
"you bus is comeing"
"Oh shit. Please come with us today?"
"Uh I don't think so maybe another day,"
"What about tomorrow?"
"Uh, sure yeah tomorrow,"
I wonder if she realized that tomorrow is Saturday. We say goodbyes and their bus comes and I go wait inside my house to be bored for another hour.
Ok, now my anxity is acting up because im waiting for Adrianna like I do every day and even though she usually doesn't come until 7:20 I still get anxious because what if she doesn't come early enough and we miss the bus? I think my biggest fear is to be late for school or class.
Lame I know.
Good Adrianna is on time and now to the bus stop for ten minutes to wait for the bus with stares and slurs to greet me.
Bus comes. Time to go to the place of torture.
Were at school and I have seven minutes to get my stuff and head to Pre-Algebra. It should be enough time.
1st period: Pre-Algebra
I got to class on time. Stares. I'm pretty sure when anyone laughs they're laughing at me. i try telling myself that they aren't that they're laughing at some joke. But I spent years being the joke, sometimes I just think I still am the joke.
Yeah that paranoid.
The rest of the class was boring. Ms. C took attendance and all that crap the announcements came on and then the rest of the class was spent doing a little quiz to see what we already knew, and if we belong in Pre-Algebra or in a higher or lower class. Blah. Blah. Blah. Boring.
2nd period: Social Studies
Ok Mr. H is really freaking cool! For some reason he started telling us about Vikings. It sounds really boring but it was actually really fun! of course I got bothered in there too. That part isn't going to change anytime soon. I just hop Mr. H seats me in the back of the room so I can just sit and not be watched, so I can watch them.
That really sounds weird so let me explain:
I hate sitting in front because everyone can see me and what I'm doing. I always think that everyone is watching my every move and making fun of me because of how I do my shit. If I sit in back then I know that no one is watching my every move and I can relax the whole class period and actually pay attention to what's being taught. Instead of them watching me, I can watch them.
3rd period: FACS
My favorite: Family And Consumer Science.
Not really. I hate the teacher and basically everyone in my class. This Is truly the class I have no friends in.
If you couldn't tell FACS is just cooking and sewing class rolled into one. For four weeks we're in cooking, and for the remaining four weeks we're in sewing. I hate both.
We get put into our kitchens and we go over boring crap no one cares about. Even Todd dosed off a few times and he isn't real.
4th period: Lunch
Today was just like yesterday with the same friends. I'm the only one at my table who isn't eating. Although I did see Kayleigh who is a complete backstabbing bitch who I never want to see again! Seeing her brought back so many horrible memories, but mostly really good ones that I miss so much. It made me so upset all over again but I didn't show it we we're laughing and having a good time, I didn't want to ruin it.
I swear I hear slurs and see the stares.
5th period: Accel LA
I just had to get seated next to the two people I don't want to see?! It passes too slowly.
6th period: Enrichment
Finally! The last period of the day! After these forty minutes the day is over and I get to go home. I talk to Tabitha and we find out friend Ella in the class and we talk the whole time. Todd joins in once in a while saying something random and totally weird, too bad only I could hear him say it. The whole time I try I push the thought away but it keeps nagging at me.
Im finally home and away from Hell!
The thought is still there and I consider giving in to it, but I don't have time to. I need to pack some crap up for my Dad's. Yup going to Dad's.
Saturday August 18, 2012
Sunday August 19, 2012
Still utterly bored at least I get to go home at 5.
i come home and take a shower. I can't not give in. I've been depressed all weekend thinking of the memories I could never have again. All the slurs I've been hearing. Everything. I have to do it. I have to cut.
I don't do it on my wrist. Too noticeable. I do the cuts on my thigh where no one can see. I feel the cold blade against my skin, and I forget how much I've missed it.