The whole crew had been escorted by the testosterone-poisoned manly man of manliness, Sgt. Max Fightmaster, to an empty gym.
Spiral handed Max a note card and a megaphone, which she quickly regretted.
"ALRIGHT, LETS GET STARTED! THESE DARES ARE FROM THE NMM QUEEN! JENNY, YOU
HAVE TO TALK BACKWARDS FOR AN ENTIRE CHAPTER! NUMBER TWO: ALEX, YOU HAVE TO
STROKE THOSE JELLYFISH IN THAT BUCKET! THIRDLY, ARRON, YOU HAVE TO EAT THAT
ENTIRE CANISTER OF RAINBOW GLITTER!
"NO. NO MORE YAYS, NOT EVEN THE SARCASTIC KIND. FOURTHLY, ASH: YOU HAVE TO
SELL CARS, IN A GORILLA SUIT, AND STEVE, YOU HAVE TO TACKLE HER IN A BANANA
SUIT AS SHE DOES SO. LAWRENCE, GO TO THE PARK AND TRY TO SLAUGHTER AS MANY
KIDS AS POSSIBLE WITH A FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
"SORRY, JUST HURT THEM. NO DEATH OR YOU LOSE YOUR KIDNEY PRIVILEGES.
LASTLY, MARKETTE, YOU HAVE TO COOK SOMETHING... AND EAT IT!
Lightning and thunder shook the Earth.
"Is my cooking that bad?"
"Yes." said Lawrence.
Markette crossed her arms and looked away.
"I can make almond milk well. And also lemon chicken, and blanched chicken
with lemon puree, and-"
"One, the two things you said are the same thing. Two, almond milk sucks no
matter the maker."
"No, it doesn't!"
"...You do know the original title of 'The Pit and the Pendulum' was 'The Pit and the Pendulum and the Almond Milk', but Poe cut it because it was giving him nightmares?"
"STOP FIGHTING! LAWRENCE, TO THE PARK! MARKETTE, TO THE KITCHEN!"
Jenny, Alex, and Arron sat in the kitchen while Markette was preheating the oven. Alex looked sickly at his bucket of jellyfish.
"Man... anyone want to trade dares?"
Jenny looked like she was about to nod when...
The Sergeants voice echoed. "NO TRADING DARES!"
Alex sighed and plopped one into his hand. It stung like fricking hell.
"JKIGOBGGGGGGTYFGUGYSGUYGYSTU YSUYAHGHMBFTHOLOSGHSGIGBSYYG YGSYAOSYUYAGSYGAYGSUYGHAKNSM JQGUTWUQYTWUYTQYTWYUQWYWQUWU QWYHFTHFJKMWKMWKMWKQMWKHSOMG WTFBBQGAHNAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!"
"Dude, you really have to clear your throat." snickered Arron, who was
watching Alex kick around on the floor. One of Alex's shoes went flying off his foot and hit the jellyfish bucket, which fell on to Alex's squirming
body. Jellies went flying everywhere.
Three went into Alex's face, which prompted another bout of screaming and kicking.
One fell on Arron's hand. Suddenly, it didn't seem all that funny.
Lawrence stood at the local park, fire extinguisher in hand. Some toddlers
half his height wobbled over to him. he let loose a stream of fluid that
made them fall into a sandbox. He laughed at their cries and started
spraying every kid at the park under his age and height. when he was done,
a slow-mo shot panned over the fallen bodies of the children. One 8 year
old walked on her knees over to Lawrence and grabbed his leg.
"Sir, stop this madness!" she sobbed.
Lawrence looked at her with an emotionless glance.
He sprayed that little git in her sobbing, prissy mouth.
Suddenly, he heard a sound all to familiar to him: an SUV parking intoa fluid-soaked parking spot.
"Soccer moms." Lawrence growled.
Ash stoood in a gorilla suit outside of the local car dealers. A man with
black hair and a briefcase walked by.
"You look like you need a car!"
"Um, no, I dont."
"Yeah, yeah you do!"
"Well theres no arguing with that logic! So should we take one for a test dr-
Steve charged at Ash in a banana suit he got her with a flying
roundhouse kick that sent her mascot head flying through the cars window.
The man walked briskly away as Ash rubbed a bruise on her forehead. She put back on the mascot head and glared angrily at Steve, but then she remembered this was stupid because he couldnt see her expression while wearing a stupid gorilla helmet.
A short man with blond hair and a Phillies cap was looking at a car.
Ash had found her next victim.
"Hey sir, you like that car?"
"Yeah, sure. Say, your employer wouldn't mind me... borrowing it for a delivery? You see I sell knives-"
"Okay! We could disguise it as a test drive. I am always happy to oblige with favors!"
Ash actually hated doing favors. She wanted to rake this guys face off with her fingernails. But, she didn't, 'cause she wanted money. She had nabbed the keys for a couple of cars from indoors and was going to take the payment for the car herself. Clever, huh?
Ash dropped the keys in the mans hand, who had finished loading some crates into the back seat area and trunk. He got in the car and had started it up when a man in a banana suit tackled the gorilla-suited dealer. They toppled in the car and accidentally rolled onto the gas man and the helpful lady fell onto the street, the weirdly heavy mascot head still on the gas. After causing several accidents, it slammed into the side of the county prison with a spray of bricks and dust. Ash, Steve, and the blond man watched in horror as the trunk popped and dozens of extra-large knives spilled out of the broken crates. Several men in orange jumpsuits wandered out the hole.
Steve and Ash had just armed a prison.
They decided that would be a good time to abscond and hide somewhere. So they took off their costumes and ran into a small local hospital. The waiting room was packed. It was mostly little kids, but Ash had recognized her friends Alex, Arron, Jenny, and Markette reading 3 year old skiing magazines with weird red marks on their faces and hands.
"Hi!" said Steve.
"Make me a sandwich." Ash said to Alex as she plopped down and picked up a newer copy of People magazine.
"I can't!" shouted Alex, exasperated "We are at a hospital, for Pete's sake!"
"Dude, nobody says that."
They sat there in silence reading their magazines until another familiar face came through the door.
It was Lawrence, soaking wet and covered in bits of what looked like gelatin. At the sight of him, most of the kids whimpered and pushed towards their moms. One mom, a short brunette, looked angrily at him.
"I thought I had killed you."
"You thought wrong. I was using a pool noodle to breathe."
Another mom, a blond one, in a whispery tone, but it could've been hissing, said "So that's why that was there."
Lawrence strode over to the side of the room where his friends were and sat down. Arron and Alex were both staring at him, wondering what the hell could have possibly happened, but couldn't agree in a whispered conversation. Steve, Jenny, and Ash just didn't care, but Markette was worried he might've been hurt.
After a while of sitting around, Spiral and Max showed up.
"Hey guys." said Spiral. "How was the first day?"
"Don't remind me there's a second one." said Lawrence.
"WELL, THERE IS. ITS IN TWO DAYS, AND THE PEOPLE WHO SAT OUT TODAY ARE GOING NEXT. DON'T YOU FEEL LUCKY?!" shouted Max through his megaphone.
"Jeez, brighten up! You get two days to hang around in a huge gym doing whatever you want! Oh, yeah, Max's friend Huge Jim is gonna fix the gym to be more of a house. Cool, huh"
"Yeah, I guess."
Max turned off his megaphone.
"Anyway, Markette, Arron, and Jenny havent finished their dares!" he threw Markette a pot, a bottled water, and an instant ramen packet.
"Do it on a Bunsen burner in the back. And as for Jenny, you have to say at least one thing backwards!
After Arron had choked down an entire container of rainbow glitter and hacked up half his stomach contents in a color that resembled a rainbow, if rainbows were colored like random pieces of shiny plastic floating in a gunky puddle of a mottled green-brown, Markette came back with a bowl full of ashes, which she ate gleefully. After everybody had their injuries treated to, they headed on home.