Maybe I had this coming. I should have expected punishment for my sins, and maybe this is it. Maybe that is the point of all this. Maybe for what I've done, and what I continue to do, is this reason that I am haunted by your name and your face every minute of my day. It would have to be a punishment that only I could understand and know, just as was the crime. I have done many of those. I'm a criminal at heart, breaking every rule and moral I ever have spoken. I am a hypocrite. But only I know this. Everyone else thinks I'm true, but they come closer to discovering my secret every single second of the day. Maybe if I told them things would get better- or maybe they would get worse, and my punishment would rage on.

They say no one deserves to be punished in the way that I have, but that's because they don't know about people like me. They don't know about the people who aren't sure who they are. I don't know if I'm as narcissistic and self-obsessed as I think I pretend to be, or if I'm as insecure and selfless as I think I am. I act like I care, but do I really, or is that just a lie? I tell myself that I will act as if I don't care, but am I really acting, or have I gotten so absorbed in the show that I have become what I was previously pretending to be? They don't know about the people who have become so obsessed with life and the idea of a point that they've come to question their faith and their elders. They don't know about the people that think they are above all, yet below. Having those traits is enough to be punished for, and that's because you don't know the rest. That's because you don't know the secret.

So I guess you could say I had it coming. I guess you could say I deserve it. You could even go as far as saying that this punishment is not enough. Maybe it isn't. Maybe there's more coming. Maybe this is just the beginning of my insanity and my downfall. And if this isn't a punishment then I shall still treat it as such, because only the lord knows how much I need one.