I jumped to my feet and looked at the now missing crack, only one large cracked remained. "Here I am again! Back in front of the mirror I hate, the mirror I loathe, the mirror I can't get rid of. Why don't you just go away now, hmm? Why don't I just walk away from you RIGHT NOW?.. I guess it's not that simple, really. After all this… after all I saw, all I experienced. And it's just me, back here, again. Do I just get off on all of this? Do I enjoy suffering so much that I feel the need to come back here? Why couldn't I have just died on that goddamn cruise? But no, it's not that simple. I can't have anything go right. If I want someone to live, they die, if I want to die, I live. Ha! It's all just a joke and I'm the punchline, right? Good ole Neil, goddamn mirror-obsessed Neil. Something doesn't make sense and suddenly I'M the bad guy for wondering about it! I guess that's how it goes though, how it'll always end for me. Back where I began, but far from where I started. Ha, it really is funny in some twisted way. And now where are you when I need you, 'God'? Are you there? You listenin' to my woes? The sound of my sweet failure? Do I disgust you, you pretentious voice?"
"I never left, Neil."
"Oh yes you did, YES YOU DID. You didn't guide me when you should have, you didn't comfort me when you should have! I need help, asshole. I need something to tell it's alright and where are you when I need that, huh?!"
"It's not alright, Neil. It never was alright, that's why you needed this."
"Oh yeah, you might as well just cut the cryptic bullshit right now, BECAUSE I WILL NOT LISTEN TO ONE MORE WORD OF IT, YOU HEAR ME?"
"Yes, Neil." He ignited my rage even more, I wanted to hurt him so much, that goddamn voice in my head.
"SO JUST TELL ME ALREADY, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? I deserve to know, don't I?! I'm running.. from that… that thing. Why am I running from it? What's so goddamn special about me or it?"
"You are running from Truth."
"So that? That's Truth?"
"And this whole time.. I've been.. running.. from.. Truth?"
"And you.. YOU! You've been..?"
"Helping you accept Truth."
"And what's there to accept? What do I have to gain?"
"So all this time..?"
"Because you denied it, you denied Truth, Neil. You forgot, you ran, you hid."
"All I wanted to do was-"
"Save yourself?" He interrupted me.
"You can't be saved, Neil. You can only accept."
"Accept truth.. or Truth, right?"
"And I can't be saved because.. I've already been lost.. right?"
"And all of this, all of this was just.."
"A pointless exercise, a roundabout way of acceptance, just another part of your pretentious ideals. You believe you could save others, but what you wanted to do was not save them from death, what you wanted to do was save them from acceptance, you wanted them to be lodged in denial forever, just like you."
"Just… like me…" I hung my head as I stood before the mirror, trying to cope with everything.
"Yes, stuck like you, the oh-so pretentious Neil, the one who sits in front of a mirror believing he will be saved by God, saved from the harsh reality. God never spoke to you, I am just another part of you, the part you don't want to accept, the part that knows every semblance of your being. And to you, I am God."
"Where your pretentiousness started, yes. You believe yourself to be God, you believe yourself to be a saviour, the one who will save people from their monsters, deep down knowing full well that they're better off accepting Truth. You created a hell to make yourself suffer, because another part of what is "You" doesn't want to see "You" happy. You wanted to suffer, you wanted to understand, you wanted to deny and all these pieces of "You" is what made up "Me" just another "You", the "You" that must lead the memoryless Neil to acceptance, so this pointless exercise may end."
"I.. after all this time.. I've been working against myself to make myself… I think it's better if you just go now, me. I think it's time I realized what I've been running from, time to accept the painful memories I've denied for too long. There's one last crack and I know exactly where it leads. It leads where I don't want to see, where I don't want to be. Because the truth is.. there is no mirror. I wasn't fascinated by the cracks, I was fascinated by it all this time. It shouldn't be there, it's only there to cover my scars, to cover what I never wanted to see." I slipped my finger along the final large crack, the mirror slipped away as I dragged my finger along it. "Because the truth is…" I laughed. "This is a two story building." I climbed the steps that had now appeared before me, carefully running my fingers along the wall, accepting what I had chosen to forget. "I denied it because I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave so soon, didn't want to die, I changed my mind in the end, but fate had other plans. I slipped, the rope held. I spent my final moments gagging as I hung, trying to fight the pain of dying and trying to break free from my cruel fate." I stepped up onto the chair and took hold of the rope, this was my end and it was time to accept that. It was the end of "Neil", the end of me.
I had prolonged my appointment with a new life for too long.