Date: 3/12/10
Entry #10
My memorial of my mind is right in front of me as I begin to wander.
Wander into the abyss that my brain has made in my skull.
I swim inside the crevices that my mental arctic have carved and remember many things that play my emotions.
Hatred, sadness, happiness, joy; all of these emotions seem endless.

Yet...

There are some memories that I have recalled that left my hands trembling.
I would not even call them memories, they are sour vinegar poured into a open wound.
A slash to my heart that has left it's old bandages on.
I swear, it felt like I was being ripped apart into two pieces of dying flesh and bone.

My memories...my black and white reel-to-reel of me getting abused by him.
The man who was forced to bear the name of my dad.
He never really was a dad or even a friend at that.
What was he anyway?...A murderer? A socialist? I can't even remember what his crimes were.

All I remember is what he did to me and my mother.
I'm not going to explain what it is, I try to block it out of my mind.
I just feel like days and weeks go by when I don't deep dive back into my mental trance but, I feel pulled to it every time I resist.

Like...A demon.
Dybbuk.
Satanist.
Whatever you want to call it, it's dark and moves around when I am in my mental trances.
A mental disturbance in my body that alters my movement, eyesight...Basically, call my five senses all useless when I get in this trance.

I don't even know how or when I got this infection. It always happens when I hear that damned man's name.
Which happens every month or two.
It's stupid because if I say or even think of his name, I get into that imbalance again.
Sad thing is, I work with a man who has his same name every time I choose to work at my job in Walmart.

Why am I writing all of this for anyway...No one will give a crap anyway. My pastor told me this should help me when I feel overwhelmed about the past.
It doesn't even seem like it is doing a thing but, give me something to do when I'm not fighting with my family.

Oh well...
Maybe one day someone will want to read this about me, the real Teramatsu Reiko.