My memorial of my mind is right in front of me as I begin to wander.
Wander into the abyss that my brain has made in my skull.
I swim inside the crevices that my mental arctic have carved and remember many things that play my emotions.
Hatred, sadness, happiness, joy; all of these emotions seem endless.
There are some memories that I have recalled that left my hands trembling.
I would not even call them memories, they are sour vinegar poured into a open wound.
A slash to my heart that has left it's old bandages on.
I swear, it felt like I was being ripped apart into two pieces of dying flesh and bone.
My memories...my black and white reel-to-reel of me getting abused by him.
The man who was forced to bear the name of my dad.
He never really was a dad or even a friend at that.
What was he anyway?...A murderer? A socialist? I can't even remember what his crimes were.
All I remember is what he did to me and my mother.
I'm not going to explain what it is, I try to block it out of my mind.
I just feel like days and weeks go by when I don't deep dive back into my mental trance but, I feel pulled to it every time I resist.
Whatever you want to call it, it's dark and moves around when I am in my mental trances.
A mental disturbance in my body that alters my movement, eyesight...Basically, call my five senses all useless when I get in this trance.
I don't even know how or when I got this infection. It always happens when I hear that damned man's name.
Which happens every month or two.
It's stupid because if I say or even think of his name, I get into that imbalance again.
Sad thing is, I work with a man who has his same name every time I choose to work at my job in Walmart.
Why am I writing all of this for anyway...No one will give a crap anyway. My pastor told me this should help me when I feel overwhelmed about the past.
It doesn't even seem like it is doing a thing but, give me something to do when I'm not fighting with my family.
Maybe one day someone will want to read this about me, the real Teramatsu Reiko.