(A/N) Hi. This is a story. I don't ever really know where I'm going with anything. Leave feedback maybe? Have a nice day.
Read All About It
Tension rings loud in the silence as Jesse watches his parents walk down the hallway. He watches until they stop at the elevator, waits as they step in, his father's hand at his mother's elbow to help her keep her balance because of her newly operated foot that's still healing, and waited until they were absolutely gone, the elevator dinging throughout the hallway as someone else steps out of it. Jesse takes a deep breath and closes the white painted door to his apartment.
Eyes closed, Jesse leans against the door, hands at his lower back, head tilted up toward the ceiling as he prays for the god of leniency to help him in his time of need.
Finally, when he comes to terms with the fact that he can't avoid it forever, he slowly moves away from the door, towards the cream colored couch. Taking a seat gingerly at the end of the couch; the opposite end to roommate, best friend, confidant, and secret boyfriend Robbie Smithson. Robbie sat back against the couch seemingly comfortable, arms rested lightly at his sides as he stared at the blank television. Jesse nearly winced when he realized just how bad the situation was—how bad it was going to be.
"Rob," Jesse called quietly, the name, though whispered, sounding thunderous in the tensely quiet apartment.
Jesse watched helplessly as a muscle moved back and forth in Robbie's jaw, the stubble appearing more prominent against his pale skin. Robbie's slightly large but completely endearing nose was flared in the tell-tale signs of anger. Jesse might have wet himself if he hadn't seen such an expression before, if he weren't so used to it. As used to it as he may be though, he was still scared shitless.
Things were getting worse.
Just as Jesse opened his mouth to call out to Robbie again, their black, green eyed Bombay cat, Illy, flounced into the room. Illy stretched out on the ground, claws scraping at the carpet as she yawned, and jumped up onto the couch beside Robbie, curling up in the bigger man's lap. Illy purred as Robbie pet her fur, scratching beneath her chin to her utmost delight.
Jesse almost felt jealous.
"Robbie," Jesse tried again, his voice nearly a whimper. "I'm sorry,"
An audible inhale was taken through Robbie's nose. Jesse waited with bated breath. Robbie released the breath through his mouth, the first time it had opened since dinner with Jesse's parents. Illy purred. Sweat seemed to pool at Jesse's lower back as he waited for Robbie to say something, anything, that would make this okay. That would ease his worried mind.
Because you see, this isn't the first time Jesse's screwed up like this. Over and over, with friends, family, even strangers, Jesse couldn't do it. He couldn't find the courage within himself. He wasn't brave. He knew that it was a weakness, that he was a grown man. But when you're scared, you're scared. There isn't much to it. Fear is a paralytic, Jesse recalled hearing once in a television show or something. And it was quite correct. Jesse froze up with fear every single time.
He couldn't tell people he was gay.
Jesse's knows he doesn't live in a world anymore where it's unacceptable—except to those individuals that just won't change their minds and that's that. But Jesse doesn't want to be judged based on being gay. He doesn't want people to think he's something different than what he is just because he likes other men. Though people may claim to be okay with it, he can tell when they're really not. The look they cast at out coworkers. The slight pull of the lip, or how they seem to migrate to the other side of the office when a homosexual comes around.
And that's what it is, really. Jesse wants to be known as Jesse Sandino, not That Homosexual.
Robbie was fine with it at first, he'd had his own qualms about coming out. But that was six years ago, when Robbie was eighteen, when Jesse didn't know him, when Jesse was living a life without worrying about making his boyfriend upset because he wouldn't come out. Because when Robbie was eighteen, Jesse was seventeen, and getting out of his junior of high school, and going to the beach with his friends and his girlfriend. Life had been so easy back then.
But when Jesse met Robbie his freshman year of college it was instant sparks. He couldn't stay away from the architect student. He couldn't stop staring at the way his auburn hair was always kept shaggy and in his face, or the way he would concentrate so entirely on a drawing due for class a week from then. Jesse just couldn't get enough of Robbie and Robbie noticed. And they kissed. And had been together ever since.
That was then, though. And this was now, Jesse had to remind himself bitterly. That was when things were good. Better than now.
"It's fine," Robbie said finally. Jesse jumped at the disturbance to his thoughts.
He turned to look at Robbie, brown eyes wide. "Are…are you sure?"
Robbie nodded, once. Resolute. "Yeah, it's fine."
And that just had to be good enough for now. Despite Robbie's tone of voice, the clenched fist, the way he pet Illy just a little bit too hard. Jesse knew it wasn't fine. It was far from fine. But for now he was going to have to take what he could get and try to move on, try to make Robbie forget it so they could get back to being happy.
"Do you want to watch a movie?" Jesse asked, feigning a light, happy voice as he popped up from his seat on the couch, moving towards the cupboard beneath the television stand. He sat down and opened the cabinet with shaky hands. "Because I was thinking a nice movie would do us some good before we go to bed,"
Jesse flipped through the DVD's as he waited anxiously for Robbie's reply.
"Know what," Robbie started. "I think I'm just gonna get to bed. I need to be to work early tomorrow."
"Oh," Jesse said, laughing it off shakily. "That's fine. I'll just see you in the morning."
"You're not coming to bed?" Robbie questioned quietly.
With a deep breath in, shoulders moving up and down from the force of it, Jesse turned to Robbie with a wide smile painted on his olive toned face.
"I'm really feeling a movie right now," he said. He stood up, moving across the floor towards Robbie's lean form. Jesse stood up a bit on tip toes to press his lips firmly against Robbie's, hoping to convey some sort of emotion. When he pulled back, he pat his hands on Robbie's shoulders. "Sleep well, okay?"
"Yeah," Robbie whispered, and stepped out of Jesse's arms, his hands finding Jesse's for a moment before letting them drop back down to his side. "See you in the morning,"
Jesse watched him go, an ache in his chest, a twisting in his stomach. He sunk to the floor and stared at his hands.