Basically, I get scared.

The type of scared
where it hurts to breathe
on a crowded train

where you fall asleep
with the lights on
face against an open book

because you don't want to be alone
with your thoughts in the dark.

I'm trying to stop.
I don't know how,
but I'm trying.

Talking more,
about those thoughts
that move too fast for words.

Answering
when you ask what's wrong.
Breaking routine:

writing the story out of order
and trusting, that if i'm honest
the meaning will come through.

trusting.

because when i say i'm afraid
i mean afraid of myself.
of the pictures in my head
and being found out.

whatever that means.

when i think of my future,

i see a blank.
white space.
the absence of colour

or movement.

and i am afraid, like a writer is afraid of an empty page:
not for what it doesn't say, but for what it could.
but i'm going to say all i can, and maybe after, i

won't carry

so much fear.

i like to travel. seeing things i've never seen before, the time change making every hour new.
i like the sun floating jigsaw on the water, in any country, i like taking the time to see those colours that get forgotten.
i don't like airplanes, not the height but being cut off from the world. not crashes, but slow hours alone. but sometimes i watch clouds curve in the blue under the wing, and it's beautiful.

when i think of travel, you are there with me.
talking, and thinking, and holding on
to each other's hands

and the colour of the sky.

i don't know where we'd go, but i know i'd be happy
i always am, with you.
and even in that white space, i know i'd do anything i could
to know you're happy, too.

and i guess it sounds simple, but i know you've been hurt
more than anyone deserves, and you still look out at the world
with rainbright eyes, and i still remember

walking from your house
and being shocked at all the stars
singing through the purple dark.

i used to think love meant
someone would fix me
but you never made me feel

broken.

with you, i'm opened up and
sometimes it hurts to feel so much,
but always, there's happiness.

i didn't know i was capable of
so much happiness.

when i talk to you, i'm not afraid of empty space or an empty page.
because there are so many pictures i want to paint
and i would give you any of them. they're yours.

you let these colours into me.

and more than i could ever
fear
an empty page,

i trust you.

i trust you.

i trust you.

i trust you.