Episode 1: The Race, an Introduction

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, animals and plants, aliens and extra dimensional beings, to the greatest, the biggest, and the UNIQUEST of races, The Race! Today, Monday, April 25th, The Race is about to begin anew! Every year, hundreds of contestants get literally and metaphorically –although mostly literally– squished to death in an effort to join this fantastic and most extraordinary race, sponsored, as always, by The Managers' Fund for a Funnier World and Hypermodern© Enterprises, Inc. My name is Commentator, and I'll be this year's commentator for The Race. Welcome aboard!

This year, we have the greatest, biggest, and UNIQUEST of contestants, finely handpicked by the Managers themselves! And here we have the first contestant to arrive, the mighty Cheetah! Brought to you by some black market hunt- sorry, Greenpeace folks, from a jungle around... somewhere I can't seem to remember, the Cheetah joined the race by his own accord and nobody can say otherwise! He's fast, he's vicious, he's our first racer, and he deserves a big round of applause!

Now, for the second competitor, we decided to maintain the animal theme, so we introduce to you, the Stag– OH MY THE CHEETAH! SOMEBODY STOP THE CHEETAH! Oh, no, not THERE. Poor, poor Stag, I didn't imagine THAT body part could be turned THAT way. It certainly is gruesome. And there goes our All Ages rating. Though it's good our cameras where on, it certainly boosted our audience ratings. Wait; is my mike still on too?

Ahem. So, it seems the Stag is out. And since we have already cleaned up most of the bloody bits –there's some blood there I think will never go out–, and the Cheetah has got a brand new muzzle, let's continue! And our next contestant is, certainly, someone who needs no introduction. I'm talking about the great Michael Gloompage! What, you don't know Gloompage? He was the original Race winner, fifty years ago! Sure, he's, like, ninety years old now, but thanks to the Hypermodern© Rejuvenator™, from Hypermodern© Enterprises, Inc., he looks, feels and sounds like a twenty year old. And with his Hypermodern© F1 Ultracar™, the Gloommobile, which looks and behaves like the Mach 5, he's certainly a racer to keep eyes upon!

And remember, with the Hypermodern© Rejuvenator™, fulfill your dreams from yesterday, today! (Results may vary. The Hypermodern© Enterprises, Inc. doesn't take responsibility from missing limbs, sudden strokes, and/or dead by old age caused by the use of this product).

And for our second human competitor, we introduce to you... Mirta, the Art Teacher! What the– that's not right, is it?

And it seems it is! Mirta is our revelation driver of the year. From zero to Race hero…ine, Mirta the Art Teacher and her amazingly triangular Squaremobile have become this year's favorite by far! She certainly drives good, reaching the level of the legendary twenty-years-old Gloompage. Though I must admit I don't understand what's with all the 'mobiles'. Be more creative, people!

And the Managers tell me they found a replacement for the Stag! Who, by the way, will never be forgotten. We already have a memorial and everything. Anyway, Bob (I THINK it was Bob, I can never distinguish one extra dimensional Manager from another) told me they found a replacement… the Frog! Okay, this truly is weird. No, not the fact he's a frog –we have a Cheetah, after all. It seems he is her HUSBAND. Yes, you guessed right, Frog and Mirta are a couple! The Race, the first race to accept and encourage interspecies couples' competition! This should be in the Guinness or something.

Our last competitors came from Fable Land! They are the Hare and the– okay, I quit. I can't keep on with this thing. Where's the Tortoise? What do you mean you don't know!? You are embarrassing me people! And why don't you turn off my mike!

Ahem. Anyway, our last, single, only competitor is the Hare. Straight from Fable Land, the Hare is fast, small and likes carrots and naps. He's from a long, long family of Race racers, the Lepusci family, and as such was trained to compete here since he was a very young hareling. Hare pup. Hare chick. Or however little hares are called, I don't care anymore.

As I mentioned before, there was supposed to be another contestant from Fable Land, the Tortoise from the Testudo family. While the Testudo family isn't as long as the Lepusci family, they are just as old; it's just that tortoises live longer than hares. The previous Testudo racer, Tortoise the Second, won quite some Races in its time, but he's retired now, so he supposedly sent Tortoise the Third, his son, to compete in his place. Slow but unfatigable, the Tortoise quickly became the Hare's rival, but it seems he quitted at the last moment, because I can't see him anywhere.

Anyhow, the Race is ready to start! Everyone is in their positions; the Honey Badger waves the checkered flag, and they're off! Somebody should buy a new honey badger, this one's broken; he's all flat and doesn't work anymore. Maybe buy a Hypermodern© one, or something.

And unfortunately we're off too! Our official broadcasting time is over, but the Race is not! We'll be back next week to cover whatever trouble our competitors might get into! What, didn't I mention there would be trouble? The race path covers a colossal lake, some haunted forests, a military camp and an imaginary continent or two, to name a few places. So stay tuned, for there is more THE RACE to come soon!

By the way, no animal was harmed during the creation of this episode… except for poor Stag, who was eaten by the Cheetah. He was very, very harmed.


A quick author's note:

Every episode I'll drop a random thought here in the notes. It may be some more background not yet discussed in the story, a random fact from previous Race iterations, or something completely random I felt like writing here. This week's note: Michael Gloompage was originally named after a real retired F1 racer, and it was changed only after I read FictionPress guidelines regarding real people. It's very easy to realize who this pilot is, after all, I only changed the surname. Also, the surname was first changed to Bloompage, but later I discovered it sounded like a mayor from the States, so I had to change it again. Go figures.