I sit in the bathe contemplating.

I feel empty.

Alone.

Cast out.

Desperate. For what?

Release.

Release from the pressure.

The expectancies of everyday life.

The sorrow.

The feelings of self hatred.

The pain.

Thoughts that tell me i'll always be alone.

How I wish to submerge myself in the warm blanket of relief.

A wish to choke on the cooling liquid of my own filth.

I've tried before.

I failed.

Again.

Again.

Still, again, to no avail.

What is keeping me trapped in this lonely existence?

This time I won't be saved. I can't be.

I've brought a new player to the party.

Warm blood sprayed across the unforgiving coldness that is the earth.

Death will bring a new life for me.

But…

It is not my blood, nor my end, that has freed me.

My personal sacrifice failed so many times.

So many times because it was not needed.

Another's death has freed me.

Freed me so I may live.

So I may breath and not feel the pull of an icy end.

Thank you.

My Saviour.

My Friend.

My Jesus.