A/N: Angst; Sadness; Hurt/Comfort… shall I go on? I don't even know what to call this; a poem or a short story or what? It has story elements and song elements and poem elements… There is a song in here that doesn't belong to me… "Day Late Friend" I don't even know if that is really the name of it; I just read it in a fanfiction and it really fit here so… yeah.
Going to spread these broken wings and fly away… Though the flight may be painful, at least I am free! Going to leave my past behind; the sorrow, the pain, the anger… the horrible memories… and start again. I will fly 'till all the memories are gone… and when the pain strikes again… gotta move on. I'm going to spread these broken wings and fly away… Though the flight may be painful, at least I am free!
Found a place to live, perhaps where I can forget… but no… the past still catches me yet. New places, new faces, new voices, but all saying the same old thing. "You'll never find your way, and broken wings aren't meant to fly. Do as we say, or you're gonna die… alone, friendless, not a person to care." And you know what I say? I'm gonna die anyway. Maybe not today, nor maybe not tomorrow. But no matter what I do, someday I'm gonna die, so what does the timing matter?
No, going to spread these broken wings and fly away… Though the flight may be painful, at least I am free! Going to leave behind this place, where I was shunned and scorned. But no matter what they say, my soul will never be theirs! I am my own person; no one can ever change that. If I die, so be it. I'll still be me! And I will fly 'till all the memories are gone… and when the pain strikes again… gotta move on. I'm going to spread these broken wings and fly away… Though the flight is painful, at least I am free!
Everything is changing… I no longer know myself; I no longer recognize the person staring back at me in the water. I don't understand what has happened to me… but still I remember… everything. I turn away, shaking my head… I don't want to remember, I don't want to see… my life pass before me evermore.
Now I have a new life, and no one knows who I am inside, or who I used to be. I have no friends; merely acquaintances whom I see from time to time. No one can be close to me; for everyone who's tried has ended up worse than they were before. No, I won't let it happen again. But my distance is the end of my friendly relations with these people. They turned on me, and now they chase me… and my wings are broken again in the attempt to flee. They chase me and chase me, intent on having their so-called revenge. On what, may I ask? But they catch up, as I knew they would, and nearly rip me apart, mind and body, with weapon and word. I drag myself away, hoping they'll leave me be. But no, of course they follow me. I steel myself.
So I spread these broken wings and fly away… Though the flight is painful, at least I am free! Flying, running forever from the horrible, broken memories and the fear of more pain. No one can know, not even myself… for the past is shameful, hurtful, and no one would forgive me if they knew… just like the ones who pursued me for so long… So I will fly 'till all the memories are gone… and when the pain starts again… gotta move on. I'm spreading these broken wings and flying away… Oh the flight is so painful, but at least I am free!
Then I come tumbling down, out of the sky… I'm crashing, crashing… and no one's here to care. I lay there, shivering, waiting to die. The bushes rustle, I tense, and out comes a creature… he is beautiful, and even then I think I realized how big a part he would become in my life.
He stares at me with those huge emerald-green eyes. "What happened to you?" he whispers, horrified. He sees my broken, ravaged body… mangled, devastated… torn beyond repair… I brace myself for the inevitable… but his gaze softens, and he is picking me up, carrying me away… and I fade, too pained to care what happens now…
And in my dreams, I spread my broken wings and fly away… Though the flight is ever painful, at least I am free! In my dreams, I fly far, farther than I've ever gone before. I fly over the walls of reality and I see what could have been. I see myself as I would have been, had I accepted my broken wings and given in to the words of my peers and elders. I would have had a good enough life, but I wouldn't have been happy. My dreams would have been crushed, and I would have become an empty shell of what once was. And I am flying… hoping the memories will be gone… but the pain starts again, I'm moving on… I am flying on these broken wings, and no matter that the flight is painful. At least I am free!
And when I wake, the real pain begins. I've been hurt, almost to the point of death… but still they try to fix this broken form. I want to tell them to stop, it won't work; I'm too broken this time… to fly away once more. All that comes is a pained squeak, and all eyes turn on me, realizing… I'm awake. The words are repeated in shocked tones… why? Then he appears in my limited vision. My savior… and don't even know his name.
"Leave her alone!" He orders. Amazingly, they obey, as though he were a leader… pah, my mind is as far gone as my body! I think in broken phrases… why did this have to happen to me? No, think on the now. My savior… how I wish I knew his name… I manage to squawk out a few words.
"Your… name?" I ask; my voice rasping and harsh. God it hurts so much. He smiles gently. "It's Hisummi. What's yours?" he asks softly. I close my eyes for a minute. Hisummi…the name itself is like from a dream… I reopen my eyes. "Name… Haley." I say, and then I feel myself being dragged under the black tide gathering at the edges of my vision. I struggle, not wanting to miss a single minute of his gentle gaze. "Let yourself rest, Haley," he says, and I shake my head. Ouch! Have to remember not to move… "Don't… leave…" I struggle to say. "I won't. I promise." He says, and with that, I lose my battle with the black tide, and let it swallow me. Please let me survive… just so that I can see him again…
This time in my dreams, he is there, smiling, promising not to leave me. The pain isn't here this time… not in this dream. I can't remember when the last time was that I didn't have pain, even in dreams. Those eyes were so full of kindness, not of pity nor anger nor sorrow. Kindness… a thing I am not used to. Kindness… a thing not reserved for me. No, I don't deserve any type of kindness. I'm not good enough for it. And so I spread broken wings, but here they are not broken… I fly away, but those eyes are everywhere. Promising the one thing no one can promise me.
And I awake, screaming. "Shh, shh. You're alright. It's not real. I'm here for you." I hear, and I feel someone's arms around me. I look up at my savior, Hisummi. His eyes are full of the same kindness, but here, outside my dream word, it's not threatening. He holds me in his arms, and I fall back asleep. With his arms around me, I do not dream.
And I fly on broken wings that are no longer broken. No need to fear pain, I am free! I've left behind the memories, and flying free… I have flown 'till all the memories are gone… no pain strikes… I am safe. I've spread these healed wings and flown away. No need for pain, I am free!
I heal, but as they say: things must get worse before they get better. Hisummi is there to help; he holds my hand when the pain becomes too much. When I wake every night from nightmares, he holds me and comforts me so I can go back to sleep. I am surprised at how much he cares; I believe that he loves me. I think I love him too. The information shocks me… I didn't think that I could ever love again… not after what happened –no! I cannot think of things that are no longer; it brings the pain back.
Soon I am healed in body; but not in spirit; never in spirit. I learn that Hisummi is a leader; a leader of a big group of people who explore and help others. They help people, anyone, regardless of who they are or what they've done; they reply to any plea for help. I'd like to be one of them, helping people. So I ask Hisummi, and he agrees.
My wings are free! I'm doing what I've got to do; I'm fulfilling my destiny! I fly through the night and day; through rain and shine, and I help people. I become stronger every day… in body. In spirit, in mind, I am crumbling. I cannot tell anyone who I truly am, cannot tell people my past. It's destroying me, bit by bit… I wake up screaming every night.
So I got my own room, away from the others, so that I would not disturb them as they slept. Hisummi doesn't like it, but I did what I had to. Days come and go, weeks, months, and years have already passed. Now I'm not sleeping at all except when my body collapses from exhaustion; I cannot let myself sleep in fear of the nightmares. Hisummi watches, distraught at my condition. He doesn't know what to do.
One night I go out to look at the moon and the stars. He comes out after me. "Please, Haley. I can't stand seeing you like this! What –why –I don't understand what is happening to you." He says. I look at him with sad, sad eyes. "I cannot tell you." I reply. He shakes his head. "You can tell me anything!" he protests. I shake my head in return.
"No, I cannot."
"But… you'll –you'll abandon me, just like everyone else. I can't stand it if that happens; I would… end my existence were I to lose you, Hisummi!" I cry.
"You can tell me anything. I will love you no matter what." Now he tells me! He admits it! I begin to sing, a song from long-ago times for me.
"So let me get this straight…say now you loved me all along? What made you hesitate to tell me with words what you really feel? I can see it in your eyes you mean all of what you say…I remember so long ago, see, I felt that same way. Now we both have separate lives and lovers… Insignificantly enough we both have significant others… Only time will tell…time will turn and tell…"
He looks at me with sad, sad eyes. You see, in those years of me screaming my way to madness, he found himself a mate. He may have been leader, but that doesn't mean he was calling all the shots. Perhaps if I had presented a respectable face to the team, they would have accepted me as Hisummi's mate, but no such luck.
"We are who we were when…could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend…We are who we are who we were when…who knew what we know now…could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend…we are who we are who we were when…"
Day late friend; how much this song fitted the circumstance! There's no changing us now; no way to go back and change; we are who we are who we were when. Yes, at one point we could have been mates, but no… it was not our destiny.
"But thoughts, they change and times they rearrange…I don't know who you are anymore… Loves come and go and this I know: I'm not who you recall anymore…But I must confess you're so much more then I remember…can't help but entertain these thoughts… thoughts of us together…"
Did I ever know who he was, really? Perhaps I loved him because of his beauty and caring for me; because he saved me…? And perhaps I'll never know. He is not the person I fell in love with, and I am different, too. He does not understand. "It doesn't matter! I still love you!" he cries. As if it could change… anything.
"We are who we were when…could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend…we are who we are who we were when…who knew what we know now…could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend…we are who we are who we were when… My day late friend…"
My day late friend… How I feel for you. You're feeling what I felt so many years ago, when you took your mate… "You can't abandon her now. Not after so many years. So it matters not that you love me. There's nothing you can do for me now." I say softly, gently. He looks as fragile of mind as I.
"So let me get this straight: all these years and you were nowhere to be found…and now you want me for your own…But you're a day late and, my love, he's still renowned…"
I just don't understand why he waited so long to tell me what he felt. Perhaps if I'd known for certain that he loved me back, then maybe I might have healed… But now, my love… "I have my own love. A love that everyone has… eventually. The only love everyone experiences. What's the last you see in this world? And what's the last embrace you feel? Why, Death's face, and Death's embrace. Yes, I can see it in your eyes now. Death is my lover, the last I'll feel and see and hear of this world."
"We are who we were when…could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend… we are who we are who we were when…who knew what we know now …Could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend…we are who we are who we were when…"
Hisummi believes I have finally descended into madness. "Don't do this," he pleads as I edge toward the cliff. "It's the only way these broken wings of mine can heal. The only way I can fly, truly free, through the sky." I say. "I won't let you!" He cries, and grabs for me. I jump out of the way, and the chase is on.
I run and run and run and run. Everywhere, he is there, blocking me from my choice. Why? This life has taken everything from me… my family, my friends, my destiny, my happiness, my body, my mind. Now they take the only choice left from me? They take away even death… NO! I will not let them take away my only choice! I do not want to do this… but I must. I jump at Hisummi, and drive us over the edge.
Down… down… down… down we go, over the ravine cliffs and hurtle towards the water. "How could you do this?" Hisummi screams at me. I scream right back. "You were taking the only choice I had left away from me! I couldn't let you do that! I'm sorry… it had to end this way… for you. For us…"
A/N: SO… yeah kind of creepy and sad and really just plain weird. I wrote this during a time in my life that I was experiencing a lot of angst and sadness. :( So… anyways hope you enjoyed it…
P.S. My other fic on here is also a horror/sad/angst thing too. Is this going to be a regular thing?! I don't know the answer to that question.