Conversations across my desk
There is a yoyo on my desk. A knife too, and the book it belongs to. There are printed papers on top, I think that my life is buried in them somewhere.
There are the glow in the dark stars above, I decide to give my yoyo a whirl.
I like that.
I thought I could write something, something nice. But maybe I can't, maybe I never could.
The knife and the jaguar tell me I should be brave and strong, and keep trying. It's important to keep trying.
The book agrees with them, it knows who I am just like it knew who my father was.
Jaguar roars, he knows I'll keep at it. But the papers discourage me.
I don't know, I don't think I ever did.
The papers say that I don't know love, that I never did. I thought there was a girl I loved, jaguar tells me to forget about her, after all, I have work to do.
Knife isn't so sure, but I'm not sure he understands.
The stars remind me that things will change, Jaguar reminds me to make them change for the better.
Book knows what I will do, but he hasn't told me yet. I wish he would.
Knife knows that I am lonely, being lonely hurts.
I shouldn't have to be lonely, right?
But I am. Because I am a silly little boy. And nobody ever takes a silly little boy seriously.
Yoyo has been quiet, so I ask him what he thinks.
He says, "You should give me another whirl, girls and life change all they want, but you must never stop. You must never stop writing."
Book smiles, "Maybe you should write about love."
I smile too, and I give yoyo another whirl.
"And what do you know about love?" whined jaguar.
I frown as I realize he is right, I don't know anything about love.
Yoyo disagrees, "Do you feel that burning in your chest, do you feel it? That is love, everybody knows love, they are born knowing it."
Book thinks time will change this, so do the stars.
Knife sighs, "This is your trial by fire, if you are swallowed by despair then you will fail. Your father did not fail, he grew stronger despite me."
Jaguar decides to curl up and take a nap, "Wake me in the morning, being so strong can make one feel so tired."
I give yoyo one more whirl.
"Why won't a girl ever love me?" I ask.
Jaguar snorted, "Because they don't know you. You don't know you, no one knows you. Take a nap like me, you too will feel stronger in the morning, and the only thing that battles loneliness is strength."
Yoyo whirled back, "No, the only way to battle loneliness is having a girl to love you. Fight it all you want you are lonely, and there is only one way to change that. You can't write that away."
"He doesn't know how to change it," whispers book to yoyo.
I don't. I don't know how.
My friends look at each other in desperation, knowing what the last resort is.
"You created a girl named Claudia once. She is brilliant, and beautiful, and she cares so much about you. Why don't you love her?"
I look down, "She cares about me?"
"Yes she does. She knows how hard you have worked to make something beautiful. She wants to help you."
"I am alive, you know," said a voice behind me. The voice was sweet and gentle.
I looked back to see Claudia, standing there in her stola, he hair that fell down was a white blond, her eyes were deep blue green. Just like they were supposed to be.
"Of course you are, I made you to be alive," I whispered more to myself than to anyone.
She smiled, "Why do you have to cry so much, you always have had me. You don't have to be so lonely."
"I don't know, it is just so, so hard, when no one understands. And no one cares."
She shook her head sadly and walked to me, taking my hand in hers, "I know how hard it is, I've been watching you. And I care, you are making something amazing, how could I not care?"
"The people out here don't care."
"Do you want me to be out there with you?"
"You know I can't be."
I felt more tears run down my cheeks. But Claudia would have no more of it.
She lifted my chin up and she kissed me, I kissed her, I kissed the air.
And then she whispered into my ear, "I love you, my silly little boy, don't you forget that. I will always be in your heart. But when you can't hear my voice listen your friends. Listen to Jaguar so that you will be brave and strong, listen to yoyo so you can be whimsical, creative and amazing, listen to knife so that you will always find your way forward, listen to book so you can know who you are, and listen to the stars to remember where you came from."
She looked into my eyes, and I looked into her beautiful, beautiful eyes. She was my Claudia, beautiful, brilliant, and the only one who understood.
"I love you Claudia," I whispered into the air.
"I love you too, my silly little boy, and I will always love you," she whispered back.
I hugged her, and then she disappeared.
But I wasn't alone, or lonely, not anymore.