This is a dialogue between two very close and lively friends of mine. I decided to start transcribing them after I became fascinated with the fervor in which they talk about the smallest things in life. It may be critical. It may be random. But it always brings me a smile.
Here is what transpired this time…
The Awkward Sorority Girls
Lance and I are sitting at a table at our student union, the very heart of the college we go to, as thousands pass through all day long. King spots us, having gotten his California Cobb sandwich again. We've been counting. It's now hit 6 consecutive days.
King: So you know, that article I was telling you I had to write about? Well the prof won't let me do it!
King: Yeah! I'm telling you, I've struck gold and he doesn't want to invest in the land! It's like-
It's right here that three girls, probably freshmen, walk near our table, but not necessarily to us. They're almost hovering around us as they just stop mid-walk and start talking in front of our table. They've all got on a shirt that says "Rush Whatever-the-name-of-their-sorority-is" and are all the typical looking sorority girls: blonde hair, blue eyes, broad smile. They stay for about three minutes and then head off, something that irritates King to the point where he stopped talking completely, glaring at them through the whole process.
King: See, that just pisses me off.
Lance: What? The girls?
King: Yeah, it's ridiculous.
Lance: Why's that? They were just having a conversation.
King: Yeah but they were having a conversation in front of us. This is like the third time this has happened this week.
Lance: So what?
King: Sighs and frowns I can't stand that. It's just an awkward moment. For us, that is.
Lance: I could care less, honestly.
King: It doesn't bug you? It's like you're listening in on a conversation that you don't want to, but they're forcing you to. It's almost as if they're saying, "Hey, you're not good enough to be a part of our circle, but we'll at least give you the honor of listening to it."
Lance: Don't you think you're overthinking this? Besides, you're making it seem like they're doing it on purpose. I highly doubt they even noticed us.
King: That's the problem! How do you not see a group of people, or even just one person, that's sitting right in front of you? And what's worse, if you do see them, what would possess you to talk right In front of them? That kind of thing just drives me wild.
Lance: You think it's rude?
King: It IS rude! I'm trying to eat my California Cobb, next thing I know these bimbos are running right in front of me talking about how Marissa likes Danny, but Danny isn't ready for a relationship right now because he just broke up with Courtney, who broke James's heart, who is now trying to heal that by dating Marissa, but Marissa is concerned with other men! CAN'T ANYBODY SHOW JAMES WHAT TRUE LOVE IS?!
Lance: Sits in complete silence.
King: Did I go too far?
Lance: Stop watching MTV.
King: Their love pentagons get me heated.
Lance: What's the problem anyway? So they talk for a while in front of us. Yeah I mean they did cut off our conversation, partly because you were too busy gawking at them, but why do you care so much?
King: It's not just that, it's just that sorority girls are just awkward in general. That's just the tip of the iceberg that's waiting to try and sink my Titanic.
Lance: So metaphors aside, what makes them so awkward? Aren't those supposed to be the girls you go after?
King: Why the hell would I go after a person who can't finish a sentence without using like 17 times and talks like they're posting facebook statuses?
Lance: Laughs. Wait, what?
King: You've never heard that? You don't talk to many of these girls then.
Lance: Eh, I prefer quieter girls.
King: Well, let me give you an example. There's this girl in one of my classes. I don't know her name, but she's always wearing those "Rush My-Sorority-House" shirts. She sits down at the table, because we're all supposed to be "connected" or whatever, and when she opens her mouth, she spews nothing but useless information about what just happened to her.
Lance: Like what?
King: Like, "Guys, like I think I'm eating too much chocolate." Or, "Guys, I like did NOT do this homework." There was even one that went, "Guys, why is it that I can never find like a decent guy?"
Lance: Laughing While she's talking to other guys?
King: Exactly. She just sits down and starts telling us things about her. Now, there's five of us at that circle. Three of us don't care about her life and the fourth does, but he's like a high schooler-turned-freshman type of guy, so all he sees in her is an older woman, so he just follows her every word. And trust me, she's no Jane Austen.
Lance: You hate Jane Austen.
King: I hate Jane from Austin too.
Lance: Is that her name?
King: I just told you I don't know. I'm being clever.
Lance rolls his eyes.
Lance: Okay, so she's talkative. What about that makes her awkward?
King: How would you define an awkward situation?
Lance: Well…when someone does or says something that makes the situation uncomfortable and I'm not able to respond in a decent fashion.
King: That's what she does. How am I supposed to answer to, "Guys, I like think I'm eating too much chocolate," without being offensive or dishonest?
Lance: What do you mean by dishonest?
King: She was saying this while popping Kit-Kat bars in her mouth.
Lance: Laughing Okay, I see your point.
King: So I can either say, "That's not true, you're beautiful when you bite into your third Snickers," or I can just go, "Yeah, you should probably stop now and try to stop this catastrophe." She doesn't give me a lot to work with. That's an awkward situation.
Lance: True, I think I'd probably just smile or chuckle and not really reply.
King: I'm just gonna start responding in Facebook-style.
Lance: What do you mean?
King: "Guys, I think I'm eating too much chocolate." "JACKSON KING LIKES THIS." "Guys, why is it that I can never find a decent guy?" "JACKSON KING HAS POSTED A PICTURE OF YOUR BOOBS TO YOUR TIMELINE."
Lance and King immediately die of laughter soon afterwords.
King: I mean, if they're supposed to be the girls we're going after, there's a reason why America is getting so dumbed down. Give me the bookworm who looks like a Lord of the Rings character. Sure she's not a 10, but if it means my daughter doesn't tweet me her thoughts in real life, I can take one for the team.
Lance: You're a man of principle.
King: Damn right. If my daughter ever "hashtags" anything mid-sentence, I will throttle her.