Jessica

It's all a lie. Everything everyone believes about me and what happened to me, everything I've been letting them think for almost a month now, everything I've had to say so they'll still think it's true, it's all been a lie, and I can't stand it anymore, I don't know how long I can keep going with this because I feel like it's making me so crazy I can't even think. It's all a lie but they believe it's true, and I'm lying to them every single day, every second, even when I'm not saying anything at all.

I was never raped.

There was no stranger, there was no man outside coming after me, there was nothing and no one at all…just me being upset and scared. Just me and my lie that I didn't even mean to come out with in the first place.

It's not true. It never happened. And now they all will always think it did

I didn't mean to lie. I really didn't and if I knew how it would turn out I never would have even tried it. But when Ryan broke up with me after sleeping with me, out of NOWHERE, and he was acting like it didn't matter to him and he didn't care if he ever saw me again and like he never loved me at all, he was just sitting there looking at me, telling me it was over, I was so upset I didn't hardly know what I was doing. He just kept looking at me, sort of telling me to go without actually saying it, and it was so embarrassing and awful because I knew right outside the door were all these seniors and juniors and when they saw me leave the room and then the whole party they'd KNOW what happened. They'd all be talking about me and knowing he dumped me and I was upset and they would laugh and say about time, he shouldn't have been with me anyway, that I was too young and dumb and not pretty enough and a skank too. I KNEW they would. And I knew I'd have to get my own ride home because Ryan wasn't going to drive me, and none of them would either.

So I went running out and everyone was acting just like I thought, and so I kept running home right out the door. It was dark out and I was starting to cry, and I ended up tripping and falling and scraping my knees and hands and tearing my pants and staining them up a lot. So by the time I got home I looked like I'd been in a fight or something, and I was crying and could barely think. I knew I was going to be talked about all over school and I knew I'd be in trouble because I'd missed my curfew. So by the time I finally got home and Mom was standing there starting to yell at me and I just felt so bad already, and I didn't want to be in trouble and just couldn't deal with her yelling me, and I didn't even think about what I was saying at all. I just blurted out I'd been raped, just to get her off my back, and by the time I said it, it was too late. I couldn't take it back, you can't just say "just kidding" over something like that.

I didn't know it would be like it was. I guess I should have but I didn't. Everyone believed me, totally. Even at the hospital when I had to do that horrible exam, they believed me because I guess since I'd just had sex with Ryan there was stuff from that still. I had to keep making stuff up and trying to make it sound like something really had happened and it was so bad, because I didn't know if they believed me and I knew they SHOULDN'T believe me but I just couldn't seem to stop making things up. I was so scared they'd figure it out I was shaking, and I think that just made them believe me more.

I'm such a bad person.

Everything's changed now, and I think it's for forever, and I didn't want that. I didn't mean that. I really didn't know it would be like this, that it would change so much and hurt everyone so much. My mom is worried about me and crying every day and my brother is fighting over me and my little sister is being nicer to me than she's ever been and probably getting made fun of at school, and my dad I think hates me now, like maybe he figured out what happened for real, because he's never home and when he is he won't even look at me and he and Mom fight. I broke up our whole family. That's all MY fault and I can't even tell them why.

Even at school it's all changed because of me. Everyone thinks that happened and they all talk about me and ask me how I'm doing or else they think I'm a big slut, and I feel like it's true and they're right. I hate lying to them, all of them. Every second I feel like I'm this huge horrible evil person and I have to stop, I can't do this anymore, but how can I? Everyone will hate me if I tell the truth…no one will understand. No one will believe or trust me again, and what if they stop loving me? Daddy already has, so how could anyone like me anymore or trust me again when I've lied so much?

I hate myself every single day. I know it's my fault. I know I did this. I don't even love Ryan anymore, I know he's an asshole now because of how he's acted when he believes the lie about what happened, even. Or does he know? Does Cassie? Sometimes I think she might…

If they knew, they wouldn't be touching me and being nice to me anymore, anyone. They would all hate me and I would deserve it. Sometimes I think I should tell everyone so they will, but in the end I'm too scared.

I've ruined our lives, and I'm sorry, I feel really bad…but I still care what will happen if I fix it. Everyone thinks I'm a victim, and sometimes I feel like I am. Like I made myself one because I lied so much it's almost like it happened and I believe it. Is it possible to rape your friends and family without touching them at all…to rape yourself? I feel like that's what I've done, and that's the truth now. But I do know the truth. I'm a liar, I'm selfish, I'm a terrible, awful person, and this is all my fault. But I'm too scared to take it back.

The end