Wait…why are you walking so fast? Hold on, let me catch up to you. Please don't let go of my hand. If you let go I don't know when you'll turn around and look back at me again. For a long time I only ever wished to see your smiling face, to stay by your side. Everything was fine as long as you'd look at me. I was content with that.
Now years has gone by and things are starting to changing inside of me. I want more. And more. I want you to touch me, to kiss me, to tell me you love me. To say that I'm the only girl that's important to you. The things that I imagine of you are all so vivid that sometimes I think I'm going insane. Even though you're a few years older than me, we look so much alike, that people even mistaken us as twins.
Even so I still want you, your face that look so much like mine. It didn't matter that this type of love I had for you was forbidden, that someday others would notice these feelings of mine, that society turned their back on this sort of thing, or that you'd never accept them, as long as I could continue being with you. Besides, I never could look at you as my big brother. To me, you were the person who took care of me with all his might. No matter how things difficult got, you didn't complain.
I don't understand what's happening to me. Why I am becoming so greedy for your affection? I find myself constantly drifting farther from you, too scared to act on these feelings welling up inside of me.
When I think back on the days we spent together, when I finally realized that all long the love I had for you was the kind of love that should not have been there, I laughed at how cruel the Gods were. It was you who saved me from the emptiness. If you weren't there for me, I would have let myself slip from this world a long time ago. You held my hand and pulled me out, so why are you leaving me now? Is it so wrong for me to feel this way?
Ever since you moved away, I can only rely on these blurry memories and fading pictures of you. You were the only person who I had a relationship with; my brother, my friend, my imaginary lover. Growing up is hard, but in my dreams, I can still love you forever. And yet...
Those dreams have turned slowly into nightmares. I'm afraid, so afraid that I'll go back to being that emotionless kid I was. It's useless. I can't remember the kind of person I was when we were together. How was I able to laugh? How I was able to live a normal life? Masaki-nii, won't you tell me?
I can still remember the days that we spent together, as if it happened not so long ago. I was the center of your world, and to me you were the only person in our family who cared for me. Our parents had to work day and night, they were so busy that at times they didn't come home for weeks or even months. You cooked, cleaned and taught me everything from beginning to end. I never thought of how much a burden it was for you. We had fun, and laughed, we were able to survive with only the both of us. That was about four years ago, it feels like it's been ten since I've seen you.
With my hand on my cheek, looking out the window at the dark clouds that formed, I was lost in thought.
"Hey Mei-chan! Aren't you going to eat? Lunch already started a few minutes ago."
My fingers twitched, and as I came to, I found the face of a female from my class hovering in front of me, with two girls standing behind her. "Oh." I stood up, and scooted out my chair. "I have to go buy my lunch."
They all laughed. "You would be really popular if you didn't space out all the time," one of the girls said.
"That's right! Don't you want a boyfriend? I bet you get confessed to a lot."
"Not really," I said with a clear voice as I grabbed the book I was reading, and left the class. But not before I heard their whispers.
"What's her problem?!" One of the girls said in a frustrated tone.
"Don't take it personally, she's always like that. I've known her since middle school and she likes keeping to herself."
"You're too nice Hana! Why bother with someone like that?"
"I...kind of admire her. She's beautiful, graceful, get good grades and even though she comes from a good family, she doesn't boast about it. And she's not that bad, I've spoken to her a few times before. Only...I wish I could see her smile more."
"What's with that? It's almost like you're in love with her or something!"
She laughed. "No way! It's not like that!"
She's known me since middle school? I don't remember her face or name at all. As time continues to pass quietly, I spend my days studying and reading books. I don't bother remembering everyone I've come in contact with, and I make sure not to do anything that makes me stand out too much. I never thought of myself as "beautiful" but rather decent looking, so that comment earlier confused me. I had short black hair, and hazel eyes with an average height and weight for a High School female student. When other girls talk to me or ask me to go hangout with them, sometimes I'd accept. And when guys ask me out, I'd blush slightly like a normal girl would, only to reject them with an apology.
That was how time passed for me. I wonder...when did I start distancing myself from others this much? No. There was one person who was different, who I could be myself around.
"Why do people only desire things they know they can't have?"
Ritsu, startled started coughing as he tried swallowing his food. Taking a drink from his water bottle, he gulped it down. "What's with that all of a sudden?"
"Who knows? Because it's human nature? If the thing we want is too easy to get, then there wouldn't be any sense of satisfaction when we obtained it. But..."
He didn't answer my question, but instead glanced at me. "Is this about your brother? Did he call?"
"It's like you can read my mind."
He licked his fingers. "I can." I kept my eyes on his tongue, as he cleared the crumbs from his hand. He glanced at me and grinned. "What? Mesmerized by my looks?"
"Yes," I replied bluntly. It couldn't be helped. Ritsu had an erotic aura to him. Maybe it was because he had experience with girls, but his looks was definitely part of the equation. With middle-length light brown hair and green eyes, he's had a lot of girls in school come after him.
"The way you answer without thinking, it's dangerous, you know." He stood up, and walked towards the edge of the building. "So? What did he want?" We always had our lunch on top of the school roof.
"He said that there's something he wanted to tell us, so he'll be staying for the weekend." This time I'll ask him if I can move in with him. I saved up a lot of money from working part-time.
"Looks like lunch is over, we should get going to class." I stood up intending to go back inside the building but Ritsu grabbed my arm. "What is it?"
He stared at me as if he was looking through me, sometimes I really hated the way he read me so easily. I always thought that the only person who could tell what I was thinking, who knew me, was my brother.
"Why don't you give up? Things won't work out the way you want it to."
I shook off his hand. "I need to go."
"I'm worried about you Mei! He'll hurt you again like four years ago when he suddenly left!" My eyes widened and before I knew it I raised my hand and slapped him. "Ouch…" he paused when he saw my tears. "Mei?"
How dare he? How dare he say that? Doesn't he know that I'm already aware of it? My brother barely pays attention to me anymore. After all, four years ago he left the house without telling me anything about it. I came home after school one day, surprisingly to find Dad at home after months of not coming home and he was with someone.
"He's the son of my friend, and an assistant from work. He'll take care of whatever you need when both Mom and I are out. Your brother left to go live on campus at his university this morning, because it's far from here he won't be able to take care of you any longer."
"I'll text you later," I said to Ritsu before leaving. As I walked home, I started to feel guilty about what I did to. I didn't even apologize to him.
I was unaware of the small drizzle that had started, my thoughts kept wandering. That is until it started to rain really hard. And I forgot my umbrella. Doesn't matter though, I was almost home.
When I looked up, through my wet hair, I could barely make out the figure of two people walking on the sidewalk as I had come from up the street. In case I was mistaken I moved my hair away from my face and looked again. Under an umbrella, there stood my big brother and a woman, laughing and holding hands. He took her left hand and kissed the finger which held a ring.
I couldn't do anything but stand there with my gaze lowered, until their legs left my field of vision. I could only run.