If only I could tell you everything this heart yearns for. That would only make me feel more desperate, that without you I couldn't even breathe. You were my cage and yet the place where I felt most safe. If I continue to rely on you for everything, what would that make me? We can't go back to those days where I would cover my eyes, we both knew that this relationship we had wouldn't be able to continue like this.
"What are you talking about? I called you Ri-chan way back when we were kids." I said, trying to laugh my way out. He didn't buy it.
When I knew that the love I had for my brother was that of a love that couldn't be returned, a hopeless unrequited love, I had refused to cry. You silently sat next to me on the roof at our spot and told me that it was okay to cry. I called you an idiot through my tears. When my brother suddenly left home one day, I started to hate how empty the house was. You'd come over with sweets in your hand almost everyday and would talk with me until the last minute. I used to laugh at how you'd run out of the door trying to catch the last train home. I cherished the time I spent with, because I knew that if you weren't there, I would have done something stupid.
"No, you called me by that nickname only after we started dating," he said in a gentle yet deep voice, as if trying to desperately remind me.
But Ritsu, during all those moments, during all these years, how did you feel as you looked at me?
"So what?" Snatching my hand from his when his gripped loosened, I stood up. "Even if I did regain my memories of those two years, what would that change?"
His eyebrows creased in confusion. "Why would you move away without saying anything to me? If you remember about us, about my feelings for you..."
I cut him off with a short laugh. "You're misunderstanding something here. Before that accident, I clearly broke up with you, didn't I?"
His hands clenched. "Wasn't that because you...!"
"What?" That's right. That was because I didn't want to hurt him any longer. I was depressed over the face that my parents hated me, that I barely spent any time with you. There were times when we talked occasionally and laughed, but there were times when I completely ignored you.
Picking up my stuff, I walked towards the door. "We aren't kids anymore Ritsu, I don't need you to take care of me anymore. Besides..." With my back facing him, I didn't have to look at his face to see how much my next words hurt him. "I...found someone else whose willing to look after me. It doesn't have to be you, you know?"
I shut his door behind me as I stepped outside. Leaning against the door, I looked up the dark sky to the falling rain and smiled at the irony of it all. "What the...? Haha." Now that I think about it, it was always raining on days like this.
I wonder, if there would come a time where I'd be able to forget about these feelings and laugh back at the memories I spent with him. Even though now I think that such a day would never come, I'm sure it would. Time could be cruel after all. We all experience that sweet, sour flavor of change.
"Are you okay? You've been sighing all day and during class." Tama said, looking at me with a worried expression. "Our classmates were shocked too, since you rarely show any sort of expression and it's hard to know what you're thinking."
"Instead of worrying about me, you should be worried about the exams. If your Dad sees you're slacking off, he'll cut you off from your allowance." We had finished class and decided to visit my brother and his wife. Misaki-nii's wife had given birth to a boy about a week ago, they named him Yuuki.
He pouted. "You think of me as some rich kid who can't take care of himself, don't you." He stopped to look at something. "It's a cafe...lets buy something to drink here. I heard from my friends of how the drinks here are really good!"
Tama took my hand in his and pulled me inside. "W-what are you...?" Before I finished my question, I realized where it was we were when very familiar eyes glared at me from the other side of the store. "Ritsu..." With his hair tied back, and a black apron around him, he looked handsome. But he was wearing black bunny ears.
"Welcome! Let me show you to your table!" A girl wearing white bunny ears appeared before us. The place was full of university students and even teachers. I guess that was to be expected since the College was close.
I covered my mouth to try to hide my laugh. "Pfft...I can't...bunny ears..." When we sat down at the table, his glare became even more fierce when I burst out laughing.
"Mei?!" Tama called out. Having never seen me laugh out so loud like this, I didn't blame him for being shocked.
"S-sorry. It was just too much." I glanced at Ritsu, and then smiled when he refused to meet my eyes. It's been about a month since we've seen each other after that night we met in the rain.
"Do you know him?"
"Yeah, he's my childhood friend." When Ritsu came to our table, I introduced him to Tama after he took our order. "We found out that we both like books, and want to work for the same publishing company." I said to Ritsu.
"Tamaki, is it? I'm curious why come all the way down here to work for a certain company. There are plenty of famous publishing companies in Tokyo."
Was it just me...or was Ritsu mad? I cleared my throat. "Even though he doesn't look like it, Tama is actually the son of the managing director of that publishing company." He used to live here, but because he felt as if he was suffocating he decided to live with his Mom on the condition that when he graduates High School he goes to a University here and work at the same company. Apparently his parents don't have a good relationship with each other. That was another thing we had in common.
"That's right. It was really a coincidence to find someone else who wants to work in the editing department." Tama said smiling, unaware of Ritsu's cold look. "Ah! Hey, what did you mean by "even though he doesn't look like it"?
"You're so slow!" While we were laughing, and as I teased him Ritsu left without saying anything. I watched as he and the other employee talked. He was smiling. It was a true smile, a smile he never showed me after I lost my memory. Who was that girl to Ritsu? No..that was something I had no right to even think about. Not after...
I turned my eyes off of Ritsu to Tama, only to find his face right in front of me. "W-what?" He moved back, and crossed his arms. I blinked my eyes at the change in his demeanour. It only happened for a few seconds, I detected a different side of Tama that I've never seen before. But then he changed back to his usual self.
He grinned. "After we visit your brother, how about we go to my place to study for exams?"
"It'll be too late to get back to the dorms. You're lucky, you don't live in the dorms so you might not know but there's a curfew. It's really strict there. If you're not back before curfew they won't let you in until morning."
"You can stay the night!"
My eyes slightly widen. He realized what he said and then smiled bashfully with a blush. "Don't worry, I'm not the only one who lives there. Dad comes over once in a while...well technically it's his place, but he rarely comes home. My cousin and her sister is staying there too...oh they..." He cheerfully talked about his cousin and why she was living there, about how she was there to look after him and they she already works at the company.
I agreed to with him, and so after finishing our drinks and eating a small snack we made our way to visit Masaki-nii. Yuuki filled the house with his cries, and his wife was trying to get some rest after not getting any sleep for a few days. Masaki-nii took time off of work to look after Yuuki, and before he could beg us to help, Tama and I ran out the house like our lives depended on it.
It was around 8 pm when we finally made it to his place. His place was huge, beautiful and controled automatically. "As expected of the rich young master." I said whistling as I stood in the living room. When Tama was unusually silent, I turned to look at him when he caught me off guard and pushed me down on the couch.
"Tama? What are you...?" With his serious expression, I couldn't bring myself to continue. I stared up at his outline that hovered over me. With his hands pinning me, I couldn't move.
"Mei." He leaned down to kiss me. When he pulled back, he buried his head in the nape of my neck and whispered in my ear as if saying that these words were only meant for me to hear. "I love you."