I guess I could say it is my fault. It is my fault that my chest feels tight, pressing my heart down, making it hard to breathe. It is my fault that I'm tired beyond belief as my eyes are too tired to keep blinking but my body is unable to fall asleep. It is my fault that my moods are up and down; making me next to impossible to be with. It is my fault that he is with her…laughing and hugging and kissing, while I'm here alone because I was too scared, too self-assure, too confident, about him and about me.
You don't know what you've got until it's gone and that's true.
He was always there by my side, telling me every second how important I was and how much he loved me. I guess I got used to being there, with his arms around my waist keeping me secure and warm while he whispered words into my ear making goosebumps erupt all over my skin.
I guess I couldn't see me without him because every moment I spend without him, he was the only thing that was on my mind, I'd count the seconds I'd have to wait until I could be with him again, always wondering what he was doing and what it would be like to be with him again.
When we were finally together it was as if it had never been a moment in my life I wasn't with him.
All that should make happy, blissfully happy. It did, but all that also made me feel scared; scared of the power he held over me, scared that one look from him could make me go weak on my knees, that one simple smile turned all my reasoning into nothing. It made me scared that he'd say 'Come with me' and I'd go without a second thought. So I did what I though was right, I ran.
So I guess it is my fault, because I know now that I ran just to see if he'd follow me, because I was so sure he would if he felt the same away about me. The thing was - he never followed me.
So now I have to pretend that I don't care about him that it doesn't bother me that the smile that he has on his face, it wasn't me who put it there, and that he holds her just the way he used to hold me. I know even if he still has that light in his eyes that light died a little the day I said 'Goodbye'.
So I guess I do deserve his words. I do deserve his anger. I deserve everything he throws my way. I only wish I could deserve him.
So I came back, I threw my pride away and asked him for a second chance.
"I loved you and I still do" He told me, his voice strangled "God's how I do! Just being near to you it makes me-" He trailed off "but I can't…I won't…" He looked up, his brown eyes bright "I just can't forget what you did because that pains me more that you'll ever know"
"I know!" I whispered 'You're chest is so tight that you can't breathe, you feel empty inside, like a part of you is lost or has died, you feel like you're drowning and no one is there to save you'
He shook his head, shoulders bend and shaggy blond hair falling into his eyes
"You don't" He looked up, his eyes looking into mine, like he could read my soul "My chest feels so tight that I can't breathe, I feel empty inside, like a part of me has died, I feel like I'm drowning –"
"And no one's there to save you" I finished for him. He is surprised, I can see it in his eyes for a moment, but his expression turns carefully neutral after that. He nodded curtly. Silence stretches between us, until –
"It's too late" He whispered, his words pressing all my hopes down "I'm happy now" He's lying, his jaw is set and he can't look me in the eye. He is lying. "She makes me happy" He said a little louder, as if he is trying to convince not only me but himself as well. I looked down "What were you expecting?" He asked, disbelief in his voice. I looked up as he got closer, his eyes boring into mine "That I'd wait for you?! You ran!"
"And you never followed me!" I said louder than I intended. Tears were falling freely down my face but I didn't try to wipe them. I turned my eyes to his chest "You never followed me..." I whispered
"I –" I looked up, he was confused.
"You had me, in the palm of your hand," I said to him, showing him my upturned hand "you had all of me and I got scared. The power you had over me was just…too much. So I ran because I though that was what I needed. I know now that I was only trying to assure myself that what I felt for you, was the same that you felt for me…that –"
"Lily-" His right hand reached for me, but he gave up half-way
"That what we had, was real and you're not going anywhere, because you loved me enough to follow me" I looked him square in the eye "You never followed me!"
"I never knew you wanted me to" He said honestly. I just nodded
"I made a mistake. I might be asking a lot but I just want us back, I want you and me, together again" I was humiliating myself, but I was beyond care now.
He was quiet for what seemed like forever but it was only a couple of minutes, one hundred different emotions showing on his face, his body language told me that he was tense and sort of out of control. I always could read him like a book, I knew all his moods and for a second I wonder if she could do it too ('No…not going there'). This boy in front of me was everything I wanted. A sudden image popped into my head
«'When all your dreams come true, who do you want beside you?' He asked, his voice slightly muffed by my neck
'You' I said. His head moved then, as his eyes met mine, his big smile matching mine 'It's you' I said again as my lips met his»
"I can't" He said looking down "I can't" he whispered and turned away. My world just stopped, the ground opened beneath my feet as I watched him walk away. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think but somehow I managed to say it
"When all your dreams come true, who do you want beside you?" At the sound of my voice, he stopped but didn't turn. Seconds passed until I heard his voice again
"It's you" He said loud enough for me to hear it "It has always been you and always will, but I can't" He shook his head once more and made a strangled voice with his throat "It's still too painful" And then he walked away. Leaving me, not once glancing back
I walked blindly towards the nearest wall, I slide down, not bothering for a seconds with the dirty ground. I closed my eyes, willingly letting the sorrow of the moment invade my insides. I stood there I don't know how long.
This was it then, this was the moment I lost him, the day I felt real pain inside me. If I thought that the last 3 months I spend without him were hell, I obviously didn't know what this would do to me, as real pain found its way to the place where my heart used to be, because I'm sure that it isn't there any more...
I caused this, I was the one to blame and now I have to live with it, I have to live with the fact that I was the one that pushed him way, I was the one that would have to learn to live without him. The ache intensified inside me as I struggled to breathe. I couldn't stay here, where memories and nightmares came alive, I couldn't…So I did the only I could thing off. I ran. I'd leave this place and never look back again. I closed my eyes and almost involuntarily, a mental image that had followed me since I dreamt it almost 7 months ago made itself clear on my mind. It was a picture of what would be my life in 10 years…
I could picture him in a back garden of our house, the one we would buy with our money, a little blond girl on his arms while he smiled lovingly at me; his checks were pink with happiness, probably wearing the same expression that I was.
One little smile broke on my lips despite the tears. I wished with all I still had inside me that it would come true. I wished that when I opened my eyes he would be there, apologizing, pleading me to ask that questing again, telling me that he'd never leave me. So slowly I opened my eyes, my heart furiously beating again. I looked around.
No one was there, I was alone…
A/N: Everything you may recognize it's not mine