SCENE 3

The interior of an old hut in the middle of a swamp somewhere in Illinois. The walls are lined with shelves filled with vials containing potions, herbs, and old tomes. A big black cauldron is seen in the far corner. A closed door in the middle leads to an adjacent room. A saxophone can be seen hanging on the wall next to it.

Enter Scameron, Vague, and Sarko.

Vague

(Looking around)

Gee, Dave, where are we now?

Scameron

The latest stop in our quest.

Vague

I understand that, but could you be more specific?

Scameron

Remember the part of the journey that followed our exit from Washington? Remember what people we've visited in search of austerity?

Vague

Yes. An oil tycoon, a drug lord, and a Scientologist elder.

Scameron

And what did we learn?

Vague

That they don't need any austerity measures because they're loaded with money…

Scameron

Precisely! So now we're going to look at the perspective of somebody else.

Vague

So what is this place?

Scameron

We are in the den of the beast. This is the residence of the witch.

Vague

(Places his palms to his mouth as he sighs in shock)

You mean The Old Witch herself…

Scameron

No-o. Not that witch! A different one!

Scameron walks up to the shelves. He picks one of the books up and opens it.

Scameron

No, not that.

He puts the book back and takes another one.

Scameron

Also the wrong one.

Puts it back and takes another one.

Vague

Dave, what are you doing?

Scameron

(Putting the book back on the shelf)

Looking for the book that contains the answers we seek.

Vague

Can't we just ask the witch when she comes back?

Scameron

Hello, Vague!

(Waves hand)

It's the witch we're talking about! I'm not staying here for her arrival.

Sarko

So your plan is raiding her hut?

Several moments of silence.

Scameron

(Smiling)

Yep.

Sarko

But isn't that low?

Vague

If you think that's low, wait till you hear about the things Dave does as Prime Minister.

An echo of insane laugher is heard.

Scameron

(Putting the book back)

It's not as funny as you might think…

Vague

That wasn't me, Dave.

Sarko

Nor I.

The same mad laugher sounds again, this time louder.

Scameron

(Shouting)

It's the witch! She's back! We're doomed if she finds us here!

Vague and Sarko grab their heads and start screaming like little children.

Vague

Dave, save us!

Scameron

(Looks around frantically)

Quickly! Into that closet!

Scameron dashes to the door in the middle and opens it. Vague and Sarko run in; Scameron follows and shuts the door. Raging wind bursts into the room with a howl.

Enter Hillary, flying in on a broom and laughing maniacally, with Bill, in the form of a black cat, sitting behind her.

The broom stops in mid-air and the duo hops off. Hillary takes the broom in her hand.

Hillary

Another fine day of spreading chaos! We came, we saw, somebody died!

Hillary erupts into more psychopathic laughter. Bill meows insidiously.

Hillary

Being evil-doers is such hard work. Even irredeemable villains need to take breaks.

Bill snickers.

Hillary

Let me just put the broom away and we'll have supper, Bill.

Hillary walks up to the closet door and opens it.

Hillary

An intruder!

(Scameron thrown out of the closet to the floor)

And another one!

(Same happens to Sarko)

And a third one!

(Same with Vague)

Sarko

(Turns to Scameron)

Now let's see, we're in the hut of a witch…and your idea was to hide in the broom closet?!

Hillary

Heat up the cauldron, Bill! Tonight we're having trespasser stew!

Bill meows insidiously and proceeds towards the cauldron.

Vague

(Shouting in panic)

No, don't do it, kitty!

Sarko

We urge you to reconsider. The taste of rotten politics does not wear off quickly.

Hillary

Then I'll turn you all into slimy frogs!

Scameron

No, you don't want to do that! We're already slimy characters.

Hillary

Then I will just incinerate you!

The snapping of a twig is heard outside.

Hillary

(Whispering)

Keep an eye on the prisoners, Bill. I'll be back in a moment.

Exit Hillary.

Fighting is heard outside.

Enter Obumer, crashing against the floor beside the others.

Scameron, Vague, and Sarko (in unison)

You!

Enter Hillary.

Hillary

Look, Bill, I've caught another one!

Scameron

(Pointing fingers at Obumer)

It's all his fault!

Obumer

What?!

Vague

We didn't want to have anything to do with it!

Obumer

You're not pinning the blame on me…

Sarko

(Pointing at Obumer)

He forced us!

Hillary

It doesn't matter.

(Raises her hands upwards)

Prepare to be incinerated!

Vague

Dave, we have only one option left! Let's beg like dogs!

Scameron

Beg like dogs? Have dignity, Vague! We real Tories only beg in front of our rich sponsors.

Vague

Incineration, Dave!

Scameron

Oh…

(Gets on his knees and turns to Hillary)

No, please, I beg you!

Vague, Sarko, and Obumer start crying, screaming, begging, and doing all sort of other pathetic stuff. Hillary and Bill exchange looks.

Hillary

Stop it!

The quartet continues its tune. Bill meows.

Hillary

You really think so, Bill?

(Thinks for a second)

Very well, so be it. They are practically walking disasters…let them continue their ways.

(To Scameron & Co.)

Enough! No incinerations this evening.

Obumer, Scameron, and Sarko (in unison)

(Bowing like slaves)

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Vague

(Hugging Bill)

You too, kitty!

Bill meows.

Obumer

Ok, we'll be going then.

Scameron

But first thing's first.

(Turns to Hillary)

Oh wise and formidable witch, please answer my question.

Sarko

(Whispering to Obumer)

That's it. We are doomed.

Hillary

You flatter me. What is it?

Scameron

How is it possible to achieve austerity?

Hillary

I cannot answer this question. My dealings lie in a different field. But I know those who know the answer.

Scameron

Who?

Hillary

Our dark friends.

Scameron

Who are they?

Hillary

The Choir…

The sound of thunder is heard outside. The door opens by its own and raging winds scoop several into the hut.

Hillary

Mortals sigh and cry in their presence. With their approach the bells strike alarm.

They do as they desire. They judge and make decisions for you.

They're the Choir…

(Bill meows)

The Choir…

(Sound of tempest)

The Choir of the Damned…Bankers.

(Wolves howl in the distance)

.

Obumer

That was a strange scene.

Scameron

But where can they be found?

Hillary

Oh, they are the ones who usually find you…

Sarko

(Grabbing Scameron by the shoulder)

Let's just go while we still can.

Vague

Fine, but just one question.

(To Hillary)

Why do you have a saxophone hanging on the wall?

Hillary

It's not mine; it's Bill's.

Vague

Bill's?

Sarko

You mean the cat?

Hillary

You can't really call him a cat.

Scameron

(Looking at Bill)

He looks like a cat and acts like a cat…

Hillary

Bill is a shapeshifter. He can morph at will. He's might be just a cat at the moment, but can become a mouse or a wild animal…or any other species. It all comes down to the situation.

Scameron

Hm, convenient and resourceful.

Hillary

Indeed. But these are only some examples of his shapeshifting abilities. He can take any guise! He can appear as a caring family man on one day. On another day, he is a famished womanizer full of uncontrollable urges with whom even Casanova would be unable to compete. Heck, he can even appear as the leader of the nation! His guises are as diverse as the masks in a Venetian shop but are as artificial as a mirage. Take them away, and what do you have left? Just Bill.

Several seconds of silence.

Hillary

Now, Bill, show these folks your musical talents before they leave.

Bill runs to the spot, gets on his back paws, grabs the saxophone, and starts playing for the audience. The musical number continues for an entire minute.

Exit Obumer, Scameron, Vague, and Sarko.

Exit Hillary and Bill, still playing the saxophone.