I have always kept my distance from people in general. I had been bullied as a child, so it's understandable that I stay away. I have tried so hard to maintain myself isolated from everyone. I can't deal with being hurt again, with being put down and bruised like I was nothing. I've built myself up again, bit by bit, with the help of my mother. I can smile and laugh like anything now. I can breathe in the air and let it out without fear crushing my lungs. I can go to the park and look glance at slide without stirring up memories. I've learned to move on. But I will never be me again. I will never be able to grow my hair out and braid it with ribbons without thinking about her and rage. I will never trust someone with my entire self.
I used to think that, used to tell myself I would forever distrust everyone, that I would never be whole again. Isolation is lonely, and although it can be easily ignored, I began to feel it as I got older. That wall I had built up? It's still there. But now, I've built a door only I can open. Slowly, I'm letting people in. It still takes me a while, sometimes years, sometimes months. It doesn't always happen. I've always followed my gut feeling. And right now, it's telling me to let you in. You know who you are.
The truth is, I would like to. I would like you to walk in that door, to join the rare few who have gained my trust and kept it. But I'm afraid, of you, of how you make me feel, of how you make me want to react. I was never supposed to like you this much. It seemed impossible, being the way I was. But it happened and I ignored it because it scared me. I couldn't like you. It wasn't me, it wasn't part of who I was. Because liking you meant I had to trust, had to tell you how messed up I actually was, actually am. I couldn't let myself be so vulnerable. So I didn't. I was your friend. And then I wasn't. and then I was. And then I wasn't. It was unbearable. I liked you, like you, so much my heart aches when I walk away. Because I'm always the first one to walk away. I'm afraid that if I don't, I'll stay in your arms forever, warm and safe and loved.
We're together now. It feels…normal. I was surprised, because I thought I would change. But I'm still me. I've realized that you don't want to change me. You actually like me for who I am. I feel whole now, with you. You don't realize how much you've helped me. Maybe it's because you always say I'm beautiful, or because you compliment everything I do, but I'm learning to believe in people again. I know what I want now. And you're a big part of it. I want you to be because I want you to see me bloom. I want to grow my hair out and have you run your fingers through it. I want you to know my in my entirety, everything I've done, everything I've felt, everything I've been through. I want you to know me because I've never had someone this close to me before.
I know I'm a hard person to know, because sometimes I don't deal with things directly. I mean, look at us. We were a mess of complications before we got together. Most of the complications were because of me, because I was too scared to deal with it all head on. I've always avoided situations like that. I didn't know how to deal with them. But I want to make up for it now.
You remember that wall I talked about? It's coming down. Not entirely. I could never do that. But it's losing height. I want to experience things now. I'm not afraid anymore. I want to live, not just watch others do it for me. I know I'll get hurt, but I think I can manage because you've made me realize that if one person throws me down, ten more will pick me up.
I trust you and every one of the people who have made it through the doors of my wall. I'm ready to tell you everything about me. I won't tell you immediately. But I will.
You once said that I was the hardest person to read. Well, here I am.