Although much of my earlier work is terribly tacky and predictably corny, it was one of the few means I had as a young teenager to express my difficulties with my sexuality. There were two girls (now women) whom many of these old pieces were dedicated to.
The first, a lesbian, whom I looked up to in a sort of infatuated admiration. She tried to help me come to terms with what I am. She saw me as though all of my walls were made of little more than paper. Unfortunately, at the age of thirteen, I was not very receptive of her help. In fact I reacted with sheer aggression and denial when she finally did pigeon-hole me as pansexual. I was absolutely terrified that she would tell my friends and family. She did mess with my head a fair bit, but in the end when all was said and done, she was dead right. She knew before I did. It has taken me seven years to come out to close friends, and I have carried the burden of trying to accept myself for who I am for much longer.
The second girl I can confidently say was the first person I ever truly loved, and continue to love every day of my life. She clung to the notion of heterosexuality, but I am sure I saw a glimmer of something else over the two years that I was madly in love with her. I did anything and everything for her without question. She broke my heart, labelled me a freak, refused to even stay in the same room as me let alone speak to me for over six months. I was fourteen when my heart collided with hers, and so far from being discrete. Once again, when cornered with exposure, I aggressively threw up the walls and barriers, even dating a boy, to preserve my anonymity. She eventually spoke to me again, but she was always a little more distant. And I was forever dubbed with the nickname 'Lemon' by her. I never actually told her how dear she was, and continues to be, to me. I never told her I loved her.
This brings me to now, over four years later, where I am for the first time, publicly acknowledging my sexuality and standing tall to say, 'yes, this is what I am'.
We are what we are, I understand that much clearer now. I can't be something that I'm not, and no one in the world has the right to try and change me.
Dedicated to L and C; casualties in my heart's revolution.