I don't know who you are yet. I like to pretend that I do, though. You could very well be the boy in my English class who always takes diligent notes and asks the most thoughtful questions and even though you do well in school, it isn't your life. Or maybe the boy that I see walking through the halls surrounded by a group of friends, who should never pay attention to a girl like me but inside thinks that I'm the most beautiful girl at school. But you may very well be someone I don't know, or who I pretend to know, or who I've never even met. One of these days, though, we'll know that we were meant for each other. When you look into my eyes and tell me that you love me, and when you mean it, that's when we'll know. We have the rest of our lives to find each other, and I have to trust that you're out there somewhere.
And soulmate, when we do find each other, there's a lot you're going to need to know about me. First off, I'm very socially awkward. In fact, I have social anxiety, so if I don't do a lot of talking, keep that in mind. Over time, I'm going to learn to trust you. I'm going to let you into a place that I don't let a lot of people come into. I'm going to trust you with my life, so you better not break that trust, because you'll pay for it if you do. I'm going to give myself to you in the most innocent of ways, and if you dare hurt me, there will be hell to pay—I'm not trying to threaten you, I know this is true, because I have the most amazing friends in the world who don't want to see me unhappy. Because trust me, they've seen me like that plenty of times before.
And when we find each other, you'll see me like that, too. You may be asking yourself, who gets diagnosed with depression at eleven years old? And the answer is I did. I'm sixteen now and I'm still in the recovery process. I was broken many, many times, and I'm healing. I've been broken by boys before, too, so you'll have to be extra diligent.
But the thing you really have to worry about is to not offend me, because even the littlest things upset me. If you do offend me, just give me time and it'll probably fix itself, but at first, you really should be careful. I have type one diabetes, and I have heard enough jokes about the disease to let you know that they're really not funny. They're hurtful. Any comment you make about diabetes can be taken the wrong way, so don't forget that. If you accept me, even with this disease, just let me tell you what you're going to have to deal with.
You're going to have to deal with me as an emotional wreck when there's just not enough insulin in me. When my blood sugar is high, my stress is high. It's nothing personal, it's the truth. You're going to have to deal with me sobbing my eyes out uncontrollably when I'm low or when I have to give myself a shot or when my A1c is too high. You're going to have to deal with me feeling like a burden because I have so many supplies and they cost so much money. You're going to have to deal with the smell of insulin, me having to take a moment to sit down if I'm low, scars on my fingers from testing, and juice boxes even as an adult and teenager because I just had a little too much insulin. You're going to have to deal with me screaming at you if you ask me if I "can eat that", because I know my body better than anyone else, even you. You're going to have to deal with me testing my blood sugar fifty times an hour. You're going to have to deal with me vomiting when my keytones are too high, and you might have to hold my hair out of my face while I puke. You're going to have to deal with me pulling an all-nighter, not by choice but because my sugar is too high for me to go to sleep. You don't have to deal with this, but if you decide that you love me, then just take this all as a warning. I'm quite a package.
Also, I'm a vegetarian, so please, no jokes about meat or animal cruelty. That's what you have your friends for. I'm not asking for much. You don't even have to become a vegetarian for me, unless you want to. I couldn't care less about what you're eating. Have a steak if you want to, I'll just stick to my salad because I know that you deserve to be happy just as much as I do, if not more.
And soulmate, you're going to have to understand that I'm a writer, and I have fictional people talking to me all the time. Don't worry if I'm talking to myself or sitting on the computer all day, I'm (sort of) doing something productive. And I love musical theater, so if I start to sing songs that you don't recognize, it's more than likely straight out of a musical. In fact, my dream date would be to see Wicked with you, or cuddling while we watch West Side Story. And if you ever want to watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show, just be aware that I'm going to talk to the television.
I'm sixteen and I've only ever had one boyfriend, so if you find me as a teenager, just know that I'm awkward in relationships. I haven't even been kissed before, so you may have to deal with me being a bad kisser. If I am a bad kisser, just know that I love you, and I don't mean to be that bad. I'm just new to public displays of affection.
I also have an undying obsession with Harry Potter and the Beatles. In fact, I have an obsession with books and old music in general. I like to sing in the car to the Beatles, so if that happens, you have the choice of singing along or living with it. There are going to be weekends when I just want to watch Harry Potter or listen to my iPod. When I'm sick, that's all I'm going to do. I'm just going to lie in bed, reading a book and listening to the Beatles, and probably cry a little at the book I'm reading or at the chorus of my favorite song. It's completely normal, for me anyway, so don't freak out if it does happen.
Soulmate, please note that I am religious. I believe in God and pray every night, but like being a vegetarian, you don't have to do that, too. Only if you want to. I'm not trying to shove my religion down anyone's throat; I'm just worshiping on my own. And even if you only worship me (which would surprise me, because I'm not exactly a prize), I'll still love you and won't judge you.
And if you hurt me in any way, I'm going to be, well, to put it bluntly…pissed. If I'm mad, I'll try not to get too angry if you tell me to test my blood sugar, since I know that puts me in a weird state. But I'm going to be pissed at you if you do something stupid. I may refuse to tell you what's wrong, and please don't try to pry if that's what it comes down to. Nothing you say will make me tell, and the more you ask, the angrier I'm going to be. I'm a nutcase, basically, but if you love me, I will give you the best life you could ever imagine. I promise.
Because, soulmate, I don't know what it's like to be loved by anyone. The first love of my life died when we were young, and I don't know if I could honestly say that I've loved anyone else since. He was my everything, and then he died. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to get through, and like I've told you already, I'm still healing. We were the best of friends, we fell for each other, and then he died. I still regret not telling him that I loved him when I had the chance. So if I ever seem overbearing and if you get annoyed by me telling you how much I love you, just know that I'm doing it while I have the chance, because I don't want a repeat of what happened before.
As I was saying, soulmate, I'm going to love you with all of my heart and soul. If you allow me to love you, I will. I will give you the most amazing life, because you deserve it. By falling in love with me, you can expect all my faults and imperfections, but you can also expect to be treated like a prince. If I ever wake up before you, I will probably leave you a cute little note or I'll wait for you to wake up so I can give you a good morning greeting or I'll even cook you breakfast, if I'm happy enough—not that it will taste good, because with my lack of culinary skills, it probably won't.
But I'll give you everything you deserve, or I'll try my best, because I like to see others happy, especially you. I don't ever want to see you cry, unless it's because our baby was just born (that is, if we ever get to marry each other, because I want you to respect that I'm saving myself until marriage). I don't ever want to see you unhappy, because that will make me unhappy. I don't want to think about you as vulnerable, because I've been around vulnerable people enough. I just want you to be happy.
I'll do even more for you than you do for me if I need to. If need be, I'll take care of you more than you will ever take care of me. I'll let you sleep when you're sick, I'll leave you alone when you're in a bad mood, I'll comfort you when you're upset even if I don't like to see you like that. But most of all, I'll love you at your worst, because you're my soulmate and you'll deserve only the best. Don't ever feel like I'm settling for you, though, because I know my limits and I know that everyone deserves happiness.
Just know that there is a girl who loves you more than she loves John Lennon and Paul McCartney, more than she loves Harry Potter, more than she loves musical theater, and certainly more than she loves herself. I won't let anything ever come between us, because I want you. And I want your happiness. And I want you at your worst, because I'll know what you're like at your best.
In short, I'll want you so long as you'll love me.
And soulmate, remember to smile, because it looks good on you.
I don't know why I wrote this, but I meant for it to be way shorter than it ended up being... Basically, it's self explanatory... Yeah. :l