The line between love and best friends and- her choice.
A/N: I wanted to write an honest from the heart kind of story, and it's written a little bit like a letter xD I imagine this would be how it feels, but I don't actually have any best friends that are guys. Wish I did though.
You see, I love you, in a way that even I can't understand until now. You're everything that I love in a person. My soulmate. My other half. The yin to my yang. The peanut butter to my jelly. I could spend hours debating every single inconsequential thing and then laugh at the fact that we were arguing about it. I could tell you everything I couldn't tell anyone else, and I know you'll keep my secret. I know you won't betray me, the same way I won't betray you. You can read my mind like no one else can, and sometimes I don't even have to say anything for you to know what I really need. When you tell me about your past, your hopes, your dreams, I feel so incredibly special to be the one you shared these private feelings to. You see, I love you, but the thing is, I can't figure out how to tell you. And the thing is I don't know if this is the kind of love that people tell each other. I think you know what I mean.
The reason for my doubt is... there's this other person. You two are completely different. Well, not that much, but you are. When I talk to him, it's not like how I feel when I talk to you. With you, I understand my position and yours, I understand so much. Sometimes, I can tell when your mood changes just from the way you talk. And you know all the right words to say to make me feel better. Nonetheless, this other person.. is different. There's just no better word to describe it. I'm excited, I laugh 'til tears come out from my eyes, and I feel a little dazed. I'm stunned. And I think I'm falling too. But is it strange that I'm still in love with you?
We continue in this limbo. I spend my weekdays with you and we tease each other about how single we are, but neither of us make a move. Then on the weekends I am swept off my feet by this guy, who was so totally unlike you - he doesn't understand me, he doesn't know all the right things to say - but still I was... happy. I know, it's strange. Theoretically, we should be together, but we're not. And I don't even know if you feel the chemistry that I do. But you see, he rocks the socks off of me. He dazzles me.
He makes me feel wanted. You make me feel safe. I loved you both.
I realize I have to choose. I can't be close to both of you. When I chose him, I chose the risk of losing you. And I have. I've lost you. Is it wrong that I feel sad? It's like a part of me is gone. I hesitate to talk to you, and your eyes don't meet mine the way they did before. You pass by me in the hallways, and you don't say hello the way you used to. But he keeps me busy, so I learn to forget. I learn to forget about you. But deep inside, I haven't let go. I miss you. Despite it all, you're still my soulmate. Does that make sense to you?
There are moments when I'm angry at you. Why had our relationship altered so much? It frustrates me that you don't seem to care at all, while I'm stewing over, spilling out feelings from the cracks. I don't want to show you my weakness. I don't want to show you how vulnerable I've become. Then I'm reminded that he makes me feel happy, and he tries to understand, and it's adorable when he does. He's kind, warm, loving, and I wouldn't have known it if I hadn't met you. You were the one who introduced us after all. I wonder if you regret it, but I think that's my ego talking.
After awhile, you become my stranger with memories. A stranger that I'll always feel connected to. So I wait until you've forgiven me because I turned my back on you. I did what we swore we wouldn't do. I betrayed you. I chose my own happiness, one that could exist without you. Now you've gone on and made new friends, maybe new soulmates (is that possible?), and I'm jealous. But I hold myself back, because I can't force you to be with me when you were the one I let go of. I'm not that kind of girl. And I love you that much to want you to be happy. That's what I'm supposed to do, right? I'm a little lost without you.
Sometimes at night when there's nothing for me to do and I'm lying in bed staring at the ceiling, I think of you. Usually at this hour, I would be talking to you. You'd be the first to strike up the conversation though. I would try to prolong it as much as I could. I would ask you things that don't matter just to keep us talking. But we never really had to try. The words flowed between us like a bubbling brook, and nothing was hidden between us. Now, I occupy my nights with attempts to sleep away the day.
Time escapes me now. It must've been some four months before we had the chance to talk.
"Hi," you finally say, and the relief overwhelms me. I don't hug you, but I hoped my words could convey these emotions.
"What's taken you so long?"
Your expression changes and I know mine has too. We start to argue, arguing about not arguing, arguing about how long we haven't argued. We laugh, we talk, we catch up with the things we've missed in each other's life. You grin, I grin back and I feel so calm. Complete again. It's as if my whole body is singing with joy, and everything was good. After all this time, we could still be the way we used to be. It was only the ending that differed. At the intersection we separated, because I go to him and you go to them. In the end, I still don't know who I love more, but I know who I wanted to be with.
... It's all okay now. I don't feel so lonely. Even when we're apart, years from now, and I'm married to someone, god knows who, I hope you realize .. that you'll always be my other half. I don't think that fact will ever change.
But maybe you'll never really know.
(Because I certainly won't tell you)