It took over a year for the nostalgia to kick in. Maybe it has something to do with my recent realization that I don't have a soul? Or maybe it's just the new, crushing loneliness? It's not like I have any shortage of boy problems, so why do I suddenly find myself missing you? It seems a little too late to be wondering if we were meant to be together. You were my first everything, but I know it wasn't a just infatuation. A fifteen year old was smarter than every adult in the situation. You remember that. It's been about two years since I first fell for him, and last night, alone and cold, I wanted his arms around me. I didn't want my boyfriend, or the other boy I've been obsessing over for months, I wanted him. And now, sitting here typing, my feet are getting cold. We used to lie in bed and you'd rub your feet against mine to keep them warm. I'd lay my head on your chest and you'd sing to me. And then I'd have to leave. And of course memories decide to slap me in the face the night before finals, because any other time would be way too convenient.

I know he'd understand my thoughts about souls. It all started with a TV show and a main character who was questioning the existence of her soul. Being either Atheist or Agnostic (I have not decided), I don't believe in the religious depiction of a soul, but I think I almost believe in it from the spiritual/supernatural point of view. I think having a soul is like having your humanity, it's what makes people generally kind, sympathetic, decent. No matter how old you get, no matter what you do, as long as you don't lose your humanity and compassion, your soul will be a type of innocence that you never lose. I think a soul is the only pure thing in the world, no matter how messed up the person owning it is. And I think passion is in there somewhere too, passion for your purpose in life.

Keeping all this in mind, and analyzing my emotions, my motives, I have decided that I do not have a soul. It's true that I generally try to be as kind to people as possible, but I have a hard time sticking to my own ideas and morals. Loyalty is one of the most important thing to me, loyalty where it's due and loyalty where it's deserved. And yet, on multiple occasions, I have betrayed those people whom I claim to love. My self-centered search for a way to stop my depression, has lead me to throw friends and lovers under the bus. I'm paying for it now though, the Universe always balances out.

At least I'm smart enough to realize when I'm being a dumbass.