Rating: T, because of themes in Macbeth, although this is intended as a comedy.

Warnings: Mentions of murder, and blood. Mild swearing. (Does 'bloody' count as swearing?)

Author's Note: I'm not trying to make fun of Yorkshire people; I'm half "Yorkie" myself. I just tried to write this how my grandparents would say it. Also, I love "Macbeth"/The Scottish Play and in no way want to make fun of it either, except in a slight parody way, I suppose.

The Yorkie Macbeths: Part One

Lady Macbeth is in a darkened corridor, peering at her hand in the candlelight. She sees something and her eyes widen.

Lady Macbeth: Eee! That weren't there before. Macbeth! Macbeth!

Macbeth comes running.

Macbeth: What's 'appening?

Lady Macbeth: Look at me 'and! I've a bloody great spot!

Macbeth: Ye've never!

Lady Macbeth: I 'ave! Look.

She holds out her hand for him to see.

Macbeth: Well I'll go to the foot of our stairs.

Lady Macbeth: That weren't there yesterday, were it?

Macbeth: Doctor! Doctor!

Doctor appears.

Macbeth: Look, look at 'er 'and! 'Ere, show 'im your 'and!

He grabs her hand and holds it out to the Doctor.

Doctor: Eee! Where'd that come from? That weren't there last time I saw ya.

Lady Macbeth: (To Macbeth) See, I said!

Doctor: Gentlewoman! Gentlewoman! Come 'ere!

Gentlewoman appears.

Gentlewoman: 'As she woken up yet?

Doctor: She's a massive spot on 'er 'and!

Gentlewoman: Don't be so ridiculous. She's never!

Doctor & Macbeth: She 'as!

Lady Macbeth: I 'ave!

Lady Macbeth holds out her hand, the Waiting Gentlewoman peers at it.

Gentlewoman: Eeeeee! Well I never!

Lady Macbeth scrubs at her hand. When the spot does not vanish, she turns on Macbeth.

Lady Macbeth: Now look what ye've done!

Macbeth: What?

Lady Macbeth: Well, you just 'ad to go and stab that stupid old man, didn't you! An' now 'ave got a big blood stain on me 'and!

Macbeth pulls Lady Macbeth to one side.

Macbeth: (Whispering) Are ye sure it's his blood?

Lady Macbeth: Well 'oo else's would it be?

Macbeth: Well, erm, there's Banquo...and the Thane of Fife's wife...and children...and all the servants...

Lady Macbeth: (Awed) Eeeeee!

Macbeth opens his mouth to speak when the Doctor cuts in.

Doctor: 'Scuse me? You just say you murdered the King?

Lady Macbeth: No.

Macbeth: (At the same time as his wife) Aye.

Lady Macbeth smacks him round the head.

Lady Macbeth: Cloth 'ead!

Doctor: (Nervous but interested, kind of in awe of the pair) And the Macduff household?

Lady Macbeth: No.

Macbeth: Aye.

Lady Macbeth: (Whispering to Macbeth) For God's sake, Macbeth!

Doctor: (Wide-eyed, amazed that two people could attempt such a feat.) Eeeeeeeeee!

Gentlewoman: Well I never. Yeh didn't relly?

Lady Macbeth: No.

Macbeth: Aye.

Lady Macbeth: (To her husband) Oh, just go and 'and yerself in to the police, why don't you, save all our time!

Macbeth: Well it were your idea!

Lady Macbeth: Only 'cos you gave me that letter!

Macbeth: Because of what those three Weird Sisters told me!

Gentlewoman: (Watching like you would a soap opera) Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Lady Macbeth: (Still arguing with her husband) And now my 'and smells of blood!

Macbeth: Oh, shut it. Yer a woman, int ya? You know 'ow to clean things!

Lady Macbeth is about to say something when there is a knocking at the castle gate – one, two, three, four. Slowly, all four faces look towards the door.

Lady Macbeth: There's a knockin' at the gate.

Macbeth Well 'oo is it?

Lady Macbeth turns to the Doctor and Gentlewoman.

Lady Macbeth: Thir'y quid each not to tell anyone what ye've 'erd.

Gentlewoman: Fifteh.

Lady Macbeth: Done. (Turning to look at Macbeth) And I suppose you'll want me to get that too, won't you? (She cuts him off when he tries to answer) No, don't answer. Bloody men, can't trust 'em to do anything fer themselves...(walks away muttering to herself)


Macbeth: Yeh know we must look a bit suspicious just standing 'round 'ere, like.

The other two agree.

Gentlewoman: I'd better go see she don't go all funny again.

Exit Waiting Gentlewoman.

Doctor: Should we go before they come back?

Macbeth: Where can we go they won't find us?


Both: The pub.

Macbeth: Come on, first round's on me.

They leave, talking.