I'm writing letters you won't ever be able to read because a) I won't be sending them and b) my handwriting is fucked up. I skipped school Wednesday and yesterday, I'm paying for my sins now. I've fallen too far behind to ever catch up. I'm sure I could "easily" though, if I stopped spending my time writing letters and "poetry", instead of doing math or writing a summary of "A Cub's Pilot". I'm having trouble breathing, sleeping, spelling- What is wrong with me? Three weeks in and I'm already having a break down. Wow, wow, wow. I'm so pathetic and sad. Why haven't any of you left me yet?
I'm exhausted. There's a big ball of nothing in my chest, every time I take a breath it's awful. Y'know that feeling when you're doubled over outside in the freezing cold wind after you've run for a while and when you take a breath and it burns? It scratches the back of your throat, claws down your lungs and get tangled around your ribs, and there's never enough air. It hurts; it's cold, it burns, and makes you feel light headed and wheezy. That's how I feel. It hurts so bad. My head hurts, my chest hurts, and everything hurts. I don't know what's wrong. I feel sick, like I need to throw up. But I know nothing will come up. I'm not "sad", just empty. I don't want to feel like this again.
I feel very impulsive lately. Last night I had to force myself to lie in bed so I didn't get up and buzz my head. I feel pathetic and worthless, like a big waste of time and space. I feel like I'm getting huge and I hate it. I'm really not even sad, just crying and scared all the time. I don't know what's really wrong; I just know I don't want to feel this way again. I don't want to put everyone through having to deal with sad me. I'm debating whether it's something in the air because I felt this way last year around this time. Maybe cold weather and no tree, brings cold hearts and no feeling to me. Ha, kidding. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I don't know. I'm just not up for anything at all lately. I'm sorry for making you have to deal with this lately.