120924

Goodbye

I told everyone we were over, walked around as if I was fine, busied myself with life, but my stupid self keeps searching for you.

I know you may not come back, so I smiled when I told everyone I was fine, worked as if nothing was wrong, but in the moments before I fall asleep, my heart stops in panic finally realizing the reality.

I stopped looking for our "chance" meetings, but why do I keep taking the long way hoping I might catch a glimpse of you? Wondering if you've eaten, if you're sleeping well.

My heart aches and my throat scratches at the air trying to pass through, but it's no use. You're not coming back this time. And I really need to get this through my head. But why do I keep hoping things will go back to normal? Why do I keep making dates with you?

It's really the end this time, isn't it? I can't change your mind, I can't make you love me again. Of course you'll always care, but it'll never be the same again. Just pretending not to hurt and not to care only works for so long… Before I see you walking around hand in hands with another… before my mind and heart breaks irreparably.

I'm not okay. I'm really scared. I can't lose you. I don't need you, but I really want you in my life. I want to share my silly musings with you, relate stories we've read, epiphanies we've experienced.

Even as I smile at you as you tell me that we're done, even as I say "Okay, I understand," just know that as you walk away, you're taking my heart as well.