'Madonna' is a synonym for 'Angel'. Raven is an angel. With a crazy game of Truth or Dare, what happens next?
Okay, just before you plunge into the braincrack below, I have a couple of notes:
1) This was a joke-y piece written for Swordy McSwordy's 'Sword and Shield' story. Go read it, because I asked nicely, and apparently that was kind of the whole point of this fic. (Please?)
2) I know that Seraphim is the highest order of angelitude, and therefore whatever Raven says, he is an angel, but I like to think he's too conceited to believe that. (And Cherub wouldn't work very well, methinks.) (Oh, who are we kidding. Whenever you see the word 'angel', or a variation of 'angel', replace it with 'cherub'.)
3) I am not responsible for any mental scarring.
4) Raven is a buff guy who has wings. They are black, and either feathery or leathery.
Despite everything, I had fun with this. Ang I got to use the phrases 'rippling hunk of man-meat' and 'lady bosom', so that's cool.
And sorry in advance.
Raven slowly blinked.
'There is absolutely no way in the known universe I am wearing that.'
'And why not?' asked a chatty young woman, Lisa, looking down at the clothes she was offering. 'What's wrong with it?'
The costume was, in fact, a kind of black… what… retro bikini with a semitransparent fabric over it. That was it. And on policy, Raven did not wear retro bikinis.
The young woman snorted and tossed her dark brown hair back. 'Well, would you prefer a moustache and a pink furry hat?'
'As a matter of fact, yes, I would.'
'Well, too damn bad. You were dared, you do the dare.'
Raven glared, silently wondering just how he managed to get stuck in this particular situation.
'Hey, you wanna play Truth or Dare?'
'What?! You mean you've never played before?! Come with me now!'
Upon which the seraph was promptly dragged to a pack of mundanes and stupidly picked 'dare' instead of 'truth'.
Raven, on the edge of his nerves, glared and reluctantly reached for the costume with a shaking hand.
Another mundane, called Jack, cackled and asked innocently, 'Nervous, are we?'
Raven snatched the costume with a force that would've torn it if he wasn't being careful to not make it more revealing and disappeared into a vacant room.
In the living room, the teens were having a heated discussion on the possible outcomes of the product due to walk out of the door any minute from now.
Lisa spoke first. 'Do you think he'll actually do it?'
'Eh, he seems the type to do anything to keep his honour together,' Anne replied. 'Plus, he's pretty hot, so who knows what could happen?'
Jack looked up from poking the ground. 'Saaaay iiiit.'
'Say what?' Anne replied, confused.
'What's on your mind right now. We all know what it is.' Harry and Jack exchanged glances and said together, 'Rippling hunk of man-meat.'
Anne made a sound not entirely human and shoved the boys over while Lisa was sent to the ground from laughter.
Back in the no longer empty room, Raven was looking at the clothing and trying to figure out how to put it on.
'I think the undergarments would be easy enough…' he muttered to himself. Or at least the bottom one should be. What of the top one? It was designed for people with big chests, he thought. But he had a perfectly manly big chest, not… lady bosom big chest. And then there was the problem of the semitransparent cover. It looked to be loose in funny places and tight in all the wrong places. It also only had a zip and button at the back to secure it.
Raven sighed in defeat, finally pushed beyond his boundaries, and pulled the bottom undergarment on.
Lisa banged on the closed door five minutes later. 'Come on! It doesn't take that long to put on the bra, does it?!'
'I am not a woman!' came the uncharacteristically angry reply.
'Even for a male!' Anne shouted back.
'And how would you know that, may I ask?'
Jack spoke up. 'It so happens that you're not the only male who had to put on a bra.'
'WHAT THE –'
'And yeah, it's not that hard, so suck it up and be a man!'
A hard thump on the door finally cut off all conversation.
The group moved as far away from the door as possible and huddled in the corner. They were arranged in a kind of square and exchanging conversation in mutters and whispers. After all, the dude was an angel of some sort. He had wings. Superhuman hearing wasn't implausible.
'Okay, what do we do when he comes out?' Harry asked.
'We take pictures,' Lisa promptly replied. 'Film it, whatever. But we're doing something to remember this. And probably before the outfit rips, too.'
'Wouldn't want to miss that,' Jack said sarcastically. 'Wait… did you tweak it to rip?! Oh, my God, you're even worse than Anne!'
'I didn't! And have you seen the size of that guy's chest?! It'll rip for sure.' Lisa nudged Anne. 'Eh?'
Anne kicked Lisa and threw a glance at the door.
Raven finally had things sorted out. He found that if he put the top piece of the costume on legs first and pulled it up, it would settle comfortably (more comfortably than he liked) under his wings and not intrude with anything else. The overall semitransparent piece, however, proved trickier. It was a short dress. Raven was hardly used to the idea of short dresses, less used to seeing them (of course, those figures rose dramatically after being sent into this warped dimension) and not at all used to actually wearing them.
So there were three problems in this situation.
Problem One: Raven had never worn a semitransparent short dress.
Problem Two: Raven did not want to wear a semitransparent short dress.
Problem Three: Raven's wings made it impossible to put the dress on, even when the damned thing was unzipped and unbuttoned.
After attempting to sort out the situation, he gathered he was forced to unzip the dress, pull it on the same way he did the other two pieces, zip it up as high as he could and do up the button at the top of the dress.
He threw a glance at his reflection, snorted in disgust and violently threw open the door.
'Hot damn' seemed to be the general reaction of his audience, the members of whom seemed to be laughing, trying not to laugh or blushing. Lisa, the talkative one, and Harry, her brother, were holding small, dark rectangles up to their faces and grinning from ear to ear.
Raven glared at the suspicious things.
'Okay,' Jake said, 'time for part two of the dare.'
Raven, despite himself, took a step backward and spat, 'There is more to this?!'
'Well, yeah. Did you expect us to get you to dress in a sexy outfit and not sing?' He threw a wooden spoon at Raven, who expertly caught it, and said, 'So take a pick. Which song?'
Raven looked down at the spoon. It was shaking in his hand. Did they just mock him, dress him up and mock him again and not expect their puny lives to be extinguished?
'Well, take a pick,' Anne piped up.
'Yeah, but take your time if you like. Anne wants to see that dress burst open,' Harry muttered.
'The sooner I get this over with, the sooner I leave, correct?'
'Very correct. I'd recommend 'Angel', by the way.'
Raven glared and threw a glance at the list Jack was handing to him. 'I will not grace you by reading it.'
'Girls Gone Wild,' Anne said.
'Girls Gone Wild' it is, then,' Jack said, and thrust two papers towards Raven. 'Go on. Sing it.'
'I don't sing,' came the cold reply.
'… Oh, my God, I am… heartily sorry?for having offended Thee. And… I detest all my sins. Because I dread the loss of heaven, and the pains of hell? I dread nothing.'
'Get on with it,' Lisa said impatiently. She was still holding the rectangle up.
'But most of all because I love Thee –' Why was he holding the spoon up to his mouth? '– and I want so badly to be good. It's so hypnotic, the way he pulls on me. It's like the force of gravity –' What was this junk he was reading? '– Right up under my feet.'
Raven cringed at what he was saying, and read on. 'It's so erotic –' It wasn't. '– This feeling can't be beat.'
He allowed his eyes to skim the pages while he read. Burning hot desiiire. Fiiire. Wiiire. What were 808 drums? Good girl gone wild? 'Ey, ey, ey?' Girls, they just wanna have some fun. He didn't care who wanted what fun, he wanted to get out. What in the world was a 'tamqueray'? Oh, you feel like sinning? Too bad. Here is the 'burning hot desiiire' again, with the 'fiiire' and 'wiiire'.
If you know you shouldn't act that way, don't.
'A good girl gone wild,' he finished, throwing the papers to the ground in disgust.
His efforts (or lack of them, thereof) were met with sarcastic applause.
Raven walked back to the room he had changed in, reached out for the door and took a step in.
A loud ripping sound reached his ears.
He realised that the loud ripping had come from his dress, flinched, and slammed the door behind him.
He would get the mortals later.
Go read Sword and Shield.