I love to write, but I do not think I am good at it. I am Gay but not out…that is why I will call myself R. I am a virgin, but have gotten a blowjob from one girl. She is my girlfriend now but I rather tell someone my secrets because they are eating me from the inside out. I love my girlfriend who is named L, but I want a boyfriend. I am fourteen years old and am too scared to ask for advice. I try and watch, like, gay TV but I mostly watch sports with my dad so then he does not suspect. My mother does not care about anyone and cries every night in her room. I smile at everyone but it is just a fake mask to please others. I have friends who all hate gay people, I hate them too. I don't think I was ment to be gay, I—well, I believe it was a curse given to me by god. That is what they say at my church…but it is so hard to stop. I try though, but I simply cannot just stop.
I go to this gay teen chat room and talk to boys my age. Sometimes they will ask me to get naked and I will jerk off on my webcam with them. I don't like it, but it makes me feel like if they like me then maybe one day I will have a boyfriend. I don't have the best body but they like it. Some guys especially like it cus I don't have a lot of hair around my butt. They tell me they would want to fuck me real hard cus I have the best ass. It makes me feel better about myself. I did meet a boy his name is A. He is 20 and lives all the way across the country. He says he loves me. No one has ever said they love me. He sent me a naked picture of himself and he looks so hot. His dick is big and he knows I am a virgin and wants to be my first. He is going to visit me one day. I think I love him too. Tonight we are going on cam and taking our relationship to the next level. I don't know what that means but he makes me feel good. I think I am in love. I cannot tell anyone this so I tell you.