Angels and Dead Flowers

I remember opening the door and seeing you there on the floor. You shook so much I thought you might crumble beneath my fingertips, I tried to hold you together. Angels and dead flowers. There was hollow, silence but we both knew. The sadness soaked into my veins through the tears that leaked on my shoulder, became a part of me. I drowned. It was always you and me, Mom.

I look through the tears that sleep on my eyelashes. The cars blur by like a Monet and I shake. I wait for the bus. I look at the faces of strangers around me, I see people but I feel nothing. Mouths move in familiar shapes but I don't understand what they're saying.

The shower is the best place to cry. The water will hold you close when nothing else can. Much to forget.

I wished you could feed me strawberries dusted in sugar. I wished we could sit on the swing together, lullabies warming the wind as it touched my neck. I wished I could trace the creases of happiness around your eye, where I was safe, while you pretended to count the countless freckles sprinkled on my shoulders from too much sun.

I'm so sorry I couldn't hold you together, Mom. I'm so sorry I couldn't stay. I'm so sorry I couldn't fix it, was weak when you needed me. I'll be back soon, I promise. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I am so sorry for the destruction I have caused. Mom, I love you. There's so much I wish you could know. I love you.