Bakuhatsu Yangire Shoujo
By Brendan Rizzo
Written on 1 October 2012
NOTE: This is a PARODY, as if that were not abundantly clear from the genre tag.
"Somebody Set up Us the Bomb"
In the year 2012, war was beginning, not by armies or insurgents, but war nevertheless. It was started in the most unsuspected of ways, and thus, we must start at the very beginning…
"Approximately 13.7 billion years ago, all time, space, matter, and energy was condensed to a single point—"
Not that far back, you idiot!
That sound you hear is the narrator throwing his assistant narrator out the window.
Now, where were we? Oh yes, right here. In the year 2012, in a city in Japan, (What, did you really think this story would be set anyplace else?) in a high school in that very city, there was a first-year student. This particular student was, as is typical in these sorts of tales, daydreaming. She was not even trying to hide it; her glazed-over expression and the fact that she was staring at the ceiling, while slouching in her chair, made it perfectly obvious even to her classmates, let alone the teacher.
Unhappy to see the utter contempt for which this student held the subject at hand, the teacher made it a point to call on her. She sat right in the center of the room, so it would have been obvious anyway.
The apathetic student leaned back a bit more, and let her chewing-gum bubble pop obnoxiously.
The teacher gritted her teeth.
The girl swiped her gum off her face and stuck it under a desk—somebody else's desk.
The teacher had had enough. (So, incidentally, had the unfortunate student whose desk's ventral surface had been commandeered, but that student is of no importance to the story, so I am afraid that he will not be mentioned again.)
This was enough to make the delinquent stir, and snap out of her willful avoidance of the lecture.
"Bakunin-san," began the teacher in a most definitely not amused tone of voice, "Get you feet off the desk. It is school property."
"Well excuse me, Sensei."
"I don't like your attitude."
"Oh no, Sensei doesn't like me?"
She appeared genuinely shocked.
"You are making a mockery of the educational establishment! Just for that, you must answer the question! What happened on the sixth of August, 1945?"
The student whose surname only has been revealed at the present time turned her head to one side and said, "I dunno. Who cares?"
The next thing she knew, she was standing out in the hall, holding a wooden pole taller than she on her shoulders, weighted down on both ends by two buckets of water. What kind of education system uses that to punish unruly students, anyway? It's such a non-sequitur. It makes even less sense than writing "I will not talk back to the teacher" five hundred times on the blackboard during recess.
Two other girls passed by the spot where she was stationed, just as she trembled and dropped the buckets thanks to her own lack of strength, splashing water all over the place, but particularly on the two passers-by.
The first of the drenched schoolgirls turned to face her assailant and yelled, "What's the big idea, Bakunin! Now my school uniform is ruined!"
Her companion grabbed under her arms and pulled her back.
"Are you nuts?!" she asked. "You know what happened to the last person who pissed off Bakunin Tomoe, Hitomi?"
"Not really, Futaba."
"His house burned down! …And holy crap, what happened to your face? It looks like you're gonna burst a blood vessel!"
Futaba helpfully held up a vanity mirror so that her classmate could see herself. When Hitomi saw her reflection, she screamed. Two veins on her forehead were bulging, making an X pattern clearly visible, and for some reason her canine teeth were sticking out her mouth.
The resultant scream could, if the atmosphere carried that far, be heard from the International Space Station.
"BAKUNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN! YOU RUINED MY COMPLEXION!"
When the final bell rang to signal the end of the school day, the teacher went over to Tomoe's desk before she could leave.
"Bakunin-san," she began, having seemingly forgotten what had happened earlier, "Don't forget that you have to go to see Shinri-sensei now. Both she and your parents have told me that you haven't been attending the meetings."
While this was going on, Tomoe decided to stare at a particular tile on the linoleum floor.
"So that is why," the teacher continued, choosing to ignore the lack of interest, "I'm gonna have to escort you!"
Tomoe produced a facial expression which can best be approximated by a certain chatroom emoticon involving two capital Os and an underscore between them.
After that torture was over, Tomoe waltzed out the door, prepared to finally leave this mind-numbing institution of higher learning. When suddenly—
"The angelic Tomoe-chan! I am here for you!"
The possessor of that voice was a bespectacled, somewhat greasy boy Tomoe's age who somehow appeared right in front of her face. For the sake of dialogue tags, his name is Kenji.
"Oh how I've admired Tomoe-chan since the beginning of the school year! But I never got a chance to speak with you until now! Oh how I shuddered when I heard you were sentenced to the tyranny of Shinri-sensei! I rushed here as soon as I could, but now you are safe! Would you please go out with me?"
But sadly for Kenji, when he looked up, he saw that for his last four sentences, he had been talking to a conveniently placed bonsai tree. Tomoe had long since run off.
He kicked the ground and said, "Will I ever get a girlfriend?"
Then, he walked away.
You guys don't even know who Shinri-sensei is, do you? Oh, the privileges of being the narrator. I can withhold information that, logically, the characters should already know, just so that I can keep you readers in the dark until the most dramatically appropriate time.
Tomoe was walking back to her apartment when suddenly, she ran into a brick wall.
"I knew I should've gotten glasses, but I was told I'd be much cuter without 'em!" she said. "Curse you, brick wall!"
She furiously, but ultimately futilely, pounded her fists against the wall in a misguided attempt to destroy her problem. She succeeded only in breaking her knuckles.
Just then, she heard a voice from behind her.
"Hey little girl."
Immediately, she spun around, in search of the source of the voice.
"Who said that? You're not someone who wants to kidnap a kawaii gurl liek me, rite?" (Somehow, her pathetic behavior caused certain words in that sentence to be misspelled.)
The voice, or more accurately the owner of the voice, was offended.
He said, "What? Of course not. Do you really think I'd be able to lift you up?"
"I don't know, considering I can't see you," said Tomoe.
The mysterious man sighed, and said, "Look down."
Right at Tomoe's feet was a strange-looking creature. It was clearly not a caterpillar despite having the body of one, nor an insect of any sort, for the simple fact that insects do not have humanoid heads. It also inexplicably had wings, despite appearing larval.
For some strange reason, Tomoe did not freak out.
Instead, she just said, "Ooh, you must be one of those magical fairy creatures from those anime I watch! Are you here to turn me into a magical girl?"
"Well to be honest, I wanted someone less—pathetic, but we're really strapped for time. According to the Mayan calendar, the world will end in two days, unless we do something about it. You'll have to do."
"So how do I get my transformation sequence?"
Tomoe was not at all fazed at the fact that she was living in the end times… or by the fact that her knuckles were still broken. This was so cool! She was going to be a magical girl like on those poorly written anime shows!
…I am so going to get flamed for that last sentence. I'm sure of it.
"Oh just say whatever you want. The transformation sequence will just happen for some reason," said the humanlike caterpillar.
"All right then, caterpillar-chan."
"Hold it! My name is Oppen—"
But she didn't listen, since she was trying to think of something really cool to say during her transformation sequence. Unfortunately for her, and fortunately for this narrator who is finding this situation very contrived, when Oppen said "just say whatever you want, the transformation sequence will just happen", he meant it literally. No sooner had Tomoe said, "All right then, caterpillar-chan" then there was a blinding flash of color and light.
What followed would in the hands of a bad fanfic writer involve reams of purple prose, but I'll just settle for saying that instead of her school uniform, Tomoe was wearing the type of dress that little girls wear on special occasions, and that her hair was now blonde. …Okay, her hair was blonde to begin with, but for some reason the narrator did not consider that important to mention before because he prefers not to describe what his characters look like. For some reason, nobody in a story like this is allowed to have black hair, even though otherwise they'd stick out like a sore thumb in Japan.
Tomoe looked down at herself.
"This is so cool!" she said. "…Where did I get this from?"
In her hands (which were inexplicably healed) was a "scepter" that looked like it was made of plastic. As a matter of fact, it was.
Oppen said, "Hammerspace."
"You got it from Hammerspace. It just spontaneously appeared because you're a magical girl now."
"Don't question it."
Tomoe did not appreciate this pseudo-explanation. She swatted at Oppen with her plastic scepter and shouted, "Baka!"
Fortunately, Oppen flew out of the way.
He asked, "Was there any reason for that? And why did you shout 'BAKA!' when we're already speaking Japanese?"
"We're speaking Japanese?"
If caterpillars with human heads could facepalm, Oppen would.
"Look, we've wasted enough time already," he said. "Just come with me and stop the world from ending, okay? …Um, Girl Whose Name I Don't Know? WHERE DID YOU GO?!"
Tomoe had already run off… or rather, flew off. Or so she thought…
"WHY CAN'T I FLY?! I'M A MAGICAL GIRL, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" she exclaimed as she fell off a five-story building, and landed in a Dumpster.
Oppen flew over to her, and said, "You can't exactly fly if you don't have wings. But even if you had them, the human form isn't designed to fly under its own power. It would be impossible."
Once again, the caterpillar had to dodge Tomoe's scepter.
After Tomoe righted herself, escaped the trash heap, and tried (futilely) to wipe the trash off her new dress, she was in a bit of trouble. Where were the magic-using villains who suddenly appeared as soon as the magical girl was awakened? Who was she going to use her magic on? Now her clothes were ruined for nothing.
She started giggling.
"Uh, kid? It's okay you know," said Oppen.
He was interrupted by her maniacal laughter.
Tomoe stared up at the heavens, pointed her scepter straight at the offending garbage, and said, "You vile villain who has smudged the great Explosion Girl and besmirched her good name! Prepare to die, in the name of justice!"
A ball of light formed around the edge of her scepter, before falling into a beam which fired straight at the unfortunate trash receptacle.
A second later, there was a smoldering crater where that city block had been.
All Tomoe could say at that point was, "Awesome!"
-To be concluded in the next chapter.-
Narrator: Well, I hope you enjoyed this first chapter of "Bakuhatsu Yangire Shoujo". It's not what you expected, eh?
Assistant Narrator: What the hell? That was horrible! You threw me out the window before I could appear in the story proper!
Narrator: Well you weren't following the script! You'll show up next chapter… but NOT as a narrator, got it?
Assistant Narrator: I don't like how this is going…
Narrator: Well, since you're just a character and not the author, you are powerless to change anything.
Assistant Narrator: I'm getting no respect. Why do we even have this dialogue here anyway?
Narrator: Because this is getting posted in the Manga section of FictionPress, and for some reason a lot of writers there think it's a good idea to write these segments that contribute nothing to the story and are never mentioned again.
Assistant Narrator: Now, I don't know much about Japan, but how in the world can FictionPress possibly have a Manga section? Aren't manga Japanese comics? All of these are text stories!
Narrator: I'm just as clueless as you are.
Assistant Narrator: Oh you can't be serious. You're not actually gonna do what I think you're gonna do, are you? It's so pathetic, and you already sound like one of those bad "fanfic" writers the way the story's going right now.
Narrator: You know, there's a window right in front of me right there…
Assistant Narrator: *Sigh* Fine.
Narrator: Well, all I have to say now is, please review!