I had a moment in the morning when I woke up where I forgot everything that had happened. I got that every morning. I always found that so ironic, so bitterly twisted, it was like a cosmic joke and I wasn't told the punchline. I wonder if you ever did that too? I wonder if it's the opposite for you, you wake up and remember everything, if only of a second, and then forget again. I suppose that's the only hope I can find, that somewhere inside of you, you actually do remember us, know who we were. I recognize the noises around me, but it's the smell that tells me where I am. That sterile, dull smell, sickly sweet and completely enveloping. It's not just any hospital I lie in and not just any bed, but the one that was perfectly opposite to where yours was.
The sky was bending under the weight of the electricity, it pulsed through the air. Everything was alert, waiting for the attack from the heavens. Animals were wound like elastic, giant dears waiting to spring, birds silent and twitching. Wind picked up and sent everything in to motion, screaming through the arched trees and smacking at the floor. Leaves fled, darting in to the air. I ran from the park like a demon, streaking past the people hiding under shelter from the storm. The world had declared war on the sky and in all the carnage all I could think of was you. You were on the phone to me, we were planning tomorrow, we were going to the cinema, you were telling me what film you wanted to see when the noise begun, the crash of metal against metal. Glass breaking. Breaks screeching. Failing. I didn't even know where you were but I ran anyway. My lungs were on fire and my joints were protesting with rage but I did not stop until I reached that hospital. 'Alex Fort' I said to the receptionist, but you weren't there, not yet. I tried to tell her what had happened on the phone but she just kept telling me to calm down and take a seat. How could I take a seat? How could I even breathe knowing that you might not be? I didn't know where you were, if you were. I didn't even know what film you wanted to see. I was in the middle of trying to explain this to her again when I heard your name in the distance, saw the vague shape of your body on a trolley being pushed fast by paramedics. I launched myself towards you when they asked me to stand back and took you in to another room, shutting the doors. I waited for 4 hours on that bed.
When you were finally wheeled out you were sleeping. Your head was bandaged and your arm was in a cast. They told me you had broken ribs among other things that I couldn't see and that I shouldn't touch you. Oh, it was all I could do not to wrap you in my arms and stroke your skin. Once they were gone I kissed you so lightly on your cheek that I don't think you even would of felt it, but it left a mark on my lips that has burnt ever since. When your mum arrived she cried deep, painful tears. I told her I was a friend that happened to see you come in to the hospital and had decided to stay until someone else got there. I comforted her, told her you would be okay. We spoke for a while, the sort of talk that consists a lot about not much. Mostly though she just watched you and held your hand, while I held hers. She had to leave about an hour before visiting stopped, but I told her I would stay and call if anything happened. It was about 10 minutes after that when you opened your eyes.
Out of me came three things; a small burst of laughter, tears, and a word that was a mixture of just about every word I've ever said to you. I was so relieved, it washed over me in big, sudden bursts. You looked at me, but then so quickly you looked away, searching for someone else.
'Don't worry,' I tried to tell you 'your mum just left, you can talk to me.'
'Are you a nurse?' You asked, your voice was thick and horse, like you needed a drink. I thought you were joking at first but your eyes told me otherwise. You were confused, almost panicked.
'No? Honey it's me. Sam.' I took your hand in mine and gave it the tiniest squeeze. We used to take turns doing that when we were walking in the cold.
'What's going on? Where's-'
'Ah! You're awake Mr Fort. My name is Dr Wever and I'm going to be looking after you, you've been in a car accident and you're in Kings hospital, do you remember Alex?' A small man in a suit holding a clipboard was looking at you very matter-of-factly. I think it took you by surprise at first, but after a few seconds realization swept across your face.
'The storm...' You looked up at me, your eyes sad and drawn now.
'The storm that's right. We had to operate on your wrist and your lung, one of them was punctured during the collision but everything went smoothly and you should be back to normal in no time. Your friend here has been pestering us the whole time so I'll leave you in her safe hands for now, I'll be back to run some tests soon.' He didn't even look at you before he left, quickly whipping round and darting through the curtain. You didn't notice though, your eyes were fixed on me.
'Have you waited here this whole time?'
'Yes. I was so worried Alex you don't understand.' I sighed and went to sit down on your bed, you moved over quickly so we wouldn't be touching. Seeing this reaction I hesitated.
'Are you okay? Are you in pain?'
'No I'm fine. Look you can go now, thank you for waiting and all, it was very kind of you, but it's okay.' I almost laughed at this, but your face had changed, you weren't holding it like you used to.
'Alex. It's me, this is me you're talking to. I'm not going to leave you.'
'Have you forgotten who I am or something?' I laughed awkwardly, completely fake. Funny how that sentence will forever ring in my head like a church bell, constantly chiming at me, reminding me. I didn't know until that day how many different types of amnesia there are. A person that has undergone head trauma can just forget, in a moment, an entire lifetime. Only you didn't, you only forgot ours. Everything else your mind kept, clung to for dear life. Trivial things like your phone number and the amount of porridge to mix in a bowl you would be destined to remember forever, but me, I was deleted from every inch of you, within seconds.
I think love is a mixture of a lot of things, a little bit of luck, part destiny, but mainly a giant sea of unknowing. I find some sort of poetic justice in that; you don't know what we had, what we were going to be, but when it comes down to it I didn't either. I didn't know we were destined to be like this, that your mind would escape me while my love remained. I didn't need you to come back at that point, I just needed to have that hope that my belief in love and destiny could be rekindled. It was as I lay in that bed that I made the decision to be whoever you needed me to be. If I couldn't leave this world I would be in it, completely, by your side.