Can I make you mine? ./.
You're the best Gokudera so far.
I really like you...
I missed you. ^^
You're so cute, Pichi~ -chuckles-
Those are words I once heard but all of it, had fainted into sweet memories.
I do not know why I still linger to those soothing and fluff words I once loved and still does. It's painful. One day we were all lovely-dovey and chuckling happily, and before I knew it, it was all gone. Gone. Everything. All every tiny bits. All, vanished.
But I still hold them dearly in my heart, my mind, my soul.
Truth to be told, I do not know why. Why I kept those words inside of me and recall what happened back then, when we were still lovers. I do not know and will never know. That's what I thought at first. But as the time went on...
What is this tugging feeling inside of me when I thought of those words once more? Why do I feel like a knife had just stabbed into my heart when I recalled what's back then? Why? I have a lot of questions to ask myself, ask you. You, the first one I got so serious with.
As the answers were still unknown to me myself, I sulked inwardly. Of course, I wouldn't let others see this. I don't want them to worry and be concerned about me. That's just how I am. Not wanting sympathy from others. But there is sometimes when I think that speaking it out loud would be better but still, I couldn't bring myself to.
I'm a coward.
I'm afraid of showing weakness to others. Maybe it's because I appear strong and nonchalant every time and most of my friends rely on me. And so that's why, I couldn't show any weakness. I know. I have always know.
I want to feel warm tears down my cheeks.
I want to cry. I've always wanted to. But I seldom shed tears. I thought that maybe I could cry it all out, I'd feel better. But the problem is, I can't. My tears couldn't get out. Whenever I felt tears starting to well in my eyes, part of me was happy that I can finally cry but another part of me was unsure whether or not to. I don't want to appear weak and useless. I am strong and so that's why, I keep everything to myself. But soon, I realize...
I am weak.
I can't bring myself to rely on others. I can't do it. I don't know if it's the tsundere attitude of mine or something else. I never did rely on someone. I know I am stubborn but still, I want to remain strong. But as I said, I am weak. I do not know how to deal with my own problems and decided to let them be until they disappear automatically. But every part of me knows, I can't let it be. Even if I've realize, that certain part of me doesn't give a damn. Keep it be, it's what it said. Don't let anyone know, it said once more. And I will find myself following those orders. Weakling, I am.
How stupid of me.
This sounds ridiculous, no? I fell for someone in the Roleplay world. Great. I don't know if it's counted as falling in love since I've never experienced it. I do have crushes, every year of my school life. But in the end, I never tried to confess my feelings to them. Mostly it's because, I don't even know them. I have only liked them for their faces. How pathetic.
But you are different.
Yes. I don't know how long this will last, my feelings for you that is. I couldn't anticipate. I can't. But there's one thing I am confirmed of is that, I think I still like you. No, I am sure that I still have feelings for you. You are sweet, nice, not much of a talker, good, cute and funny. Just what I want. I want you just like you want me, too. But those are the past.
I am trembling.
My fingers, my heart, my whole body trembled the time you said that it's enough. I know I am a flirt in RP, but just so you know, I only have feelings for you. I explained on and on and on, and finally, you said you get it. I felt relief. Very. It's like the hollow feeling in my heart vanished into thin air. That time was midnight, I couldn't let myself to bed if I'm not done settling things with you. And I did. Relive poured all over me. I had a great slumber and wouldn't wake up. My friends know about our relationship and is always teasing me with it. I felt embarrassed. But then, when I was so excited that I could meet you today, my most feared scene happened.
I on my computer as usual, waiting for it to load as I shower. After done showering, I went down, typing 'Facebook' in the link box immediately before logging into my Gokudera RP account. I have not much time that day, all I think was chatting with you and make our relationship closer. Nothing else. Not even bothering about the notifications I got. But when I accessed to my timeline, I saw the blank behind those words; In a relationship. And that's it.
I was dumbstruck. I stared at it for a while before accessing to your timeline and I saw nothing but your birthday in your info. How can that be? You said you get it? But then, what's the meaning of this? I sulked for the whole day, no more mood to RP anymore. None. No more. My fingers can't dance on the keyboard freely like always and my mind, blank. I couldn't even bring myself to put smiley faces and symbols. All I did was my comments and a full-stop. That's it. I don't do that. I count it as a rude and unfriendly way.
But then, after losing you, I don't care anymore. I don't. Not now. But I will recover when the time comes, I've just need to move on, without you. And that's the most painful thing ever that happened in my life. I've always thought that we can last for a year. But I knew that our relationship was not stable.
My Gokudera is popular. And so, you thought that you have much competition but I sooth you, I am only yours. I don't have any feelings for others, anymore. Not the kind of feelings I have for you. There's this fluffiness in me every time you on and we chat. I love those moments although we don't really have much to talk about. But there were the conflicts too. We had many and have always settled it. But you still broke with me although we've settled the last one.
Smutting with my best friend is my limit.
It's too late.
I can't take it anymore.
I guess it is still one-sided~ ^^
You don't have feelings for me, I know.
Those words are like countless needles, stabbing into my very soul. They hurt so much. You should know. You always jump into conclusions before discussing it with others. You always do. And you're sensitive and will be easily offended. But I can't blame you, all you want is someone to love. I am lonely, you said. But then, I saw countless of people, saying 'I love you~' to you and sending heart-shapes to you. I felt jealous, just like how you do to when my friends said that they want to eat me. You got mad. And do you think that I won't? You have lots of friends, I know. But I can understand the feeling of yours for wanting me to be only yours because I felt the same.
I am suffering now, too. I don't know about this post of mine but if by any chance you have read this, I hope you understand. If you don't, talk with me and I will explain everything to you. Everything. If there is some parts you don't understand, I will gladly convey it to you straightly. All I want is that, we can at least be friends. I don't like the awkwardness around us, it's suffocating. You can come back to me too if you want, because I really want you to be back. I want you. You're mine, for now. Maybe you've already found someone but for now, I want to bask in your presence. I like it. Always have.
-chuckles- This is weird. How pathetic of me. I have fell for someone I met online and sulked the whole day when you ended our relationship. But then, I don't hate it, because this is my first attempt in a relationship so sweet and fluffy.
I love you, Takeshi, is all I can say for now.