When I was in high school my crisis counselor would tell me to write letters each time I got upset. I found it extremely difficult to write them when they were addressed to an actual person. Writing to the stars was a lot easier despite the fact that I knew she would be reading them afterwards. This letter is obviously not addressed to the stars, moon or anything else in the sky. It's addressed to anyone that is willing to listen.
Earlier I started two lists in my notebook. One was a list of reasons why I should be alive. Only three or four things were written down. The list of reasons why I should kill myself was quite long. It's unsettling to realize that I have next to nothing keeping me alive right now. Honestly there is only one person I would be worried about if I did do anything. I wouldn't want her to suffer from bullies and the other assholes by herself.
I wish I could tell more people about this. The number of people I could tell that wouldn't tell me I was being melodramatic can be counted on one hand. How could you tell someone to stop being childish during these moments? You're not lurking around in their head. They could be planning their suicide and trying to find someone who cares enough to stop them. Hell I could have mine all ready and this could be my note.
It's not though. I wish it was so I wouldn't have to live like this but it's not. Faking a smile and laughing when I don't feel anything is getting old. I'm terrified that the friends I do talk to will forget about me. They'll get older and move on with their lives. Daily events will take up their time and they won't have any time to listen. I'll just be stuck here, by myself, living in my own head. I don't want to live like that. I want someone with me.
I want them to always listen, to give me advice and most of all to tell me everything will be okay. Sometimes I wish I had the money to see that counselor again. There were so any days that I would walk out of class because I couldn't handle these feelings. I might get disciplined for it but not before spending an hour with her. Now that I'm out of school and living in a different town I feel even more alone. I could talk to my family but they would just tell me I'm being childish. Just calm down, you're just over reacting. No I'm not.
How can they not see what's happening to me? They talk about how much they care when someone is hurting but you can't help what you don't see. If they gave a damn and saw what my mind was doing they would have said something. No. Instead they help everyone else. I can only reach out so much before I give up on people. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. My mind is out of control right now and I can't fix it.
The more I live like this the more I just want to give up. Life doesn't feel like it's worth living anymore.