Dear Dad,

I just spent an hour trying to write you a letter. I wanted to know how you were doing and when you were coming up. That letter ended up being a short composition of memories instead. If I remember correctly it was three pages front and back. I don't write that small so clearly there weren't very many memories that I could include. I was having a good day until I tried to write that.

Why is it that whenever I try writing to you I end up feeling this way? I shouldn't start letters and then throw them away because they're a waste of time. You really got my hopes up (again) when you tried to call me. I thought you actually wanted to talk just to talk. You didn't pick up when I tried calling back. You don't have a job and weren't talking to anyone so I don't understand why.

It doesn't help that when I want to talk about the past you block me. You keep telling me to forget about it all and move on. How can I do that when my voice won't be heard? You pour your heart out to me whenever we talk and I willingly let you. Why can't you do the same for me? I'm sorry. All of these double standards make me feel worthless. I know you love me but it doesn't feel like it.

Earlier I was at McDonald's with Brett while he worked. It was around noon and this beautiful little girl came in to have lunch with her dad. It reminded me of us when I use to go to work with you. We would sit back in your office, eat our sandwiches and make plans for after dinner. Sometimes you even took me for rides in the store vans while you delivered merchandise.

I don't know. Seeing the two of them having a good time made me really upset. Nothing I can think of seems like a good enough reason for that to change. You didn't have to move out of state. I know because your wife has mentioned multiple times that she loves our state and wants to live here. You could come back here and we could work together like we planned. It wouldn't take much and we could spend time together like we use to.

Sometimes I wonder if it's something I did but I know that's ludicrous. How could I have done something wrong when I was just a little girl? You may not be the best parent in the world but I still love you. Unlike mom and her side of the family I still have faith that we can repair this. I hope you treat your other family better than us. They at least deserve it. I love you.

Love,

Lis