Vampires & Broomsticks

Free The Dancing Llamas

Chapter One: I like to take my clothes off

To Miss Ophelia De Barberack,

Upon hearing about your fine talents on the 8pm news, we would like to extend an invitation for you to attend our fine establishment, Belvedeere Academy. We would be most pleased if you would consider this invitation to our school for the gifted.

Belvedeere boasts the finest education system in all of Europe, along with excellent student accommodation and an atmosphere which would delight the mind of a talented individual such as yourself. To accept or decline, read the instructions accompanying this letter. Please note that from the day you receive this letter, you will have five days to respond before the offer expires.


Professor R.E. Dorsgaard

Vice Headmaster of Belvedeere Academy for the Gifted and Talented

When I first received the letter the only thing I could think about was why on earth they wanted someone who was arrested for public nudity, at their fancy schmancy academy.

At the time, I didn't realise what Belvedeere was – what it contained inside of it. What it taught and WHO it taught. Belvedeere is a school for the gifted. And by gifted, I mean supernaturally so. I mean witches and wizards, and vamps and lycans and mages and psychics and necromancers and paladins and elementals, and you name it, the academy has it.

But, I'm getting a little ahead of myself here. I mean, I'm telling you this all, and you're in suspense. Did I accept the letter? Did I go on to become the greatest nudist in the history of the world? Am I relevant to this story? (or some literary bullshit like that).

I unfortunately didn't go on to become the greatest nudist, however I am relevant to this whole story thing (Duh), and I definitely did accept it. Accidently, of course.

At the time, I thought it was a joke. I mean, what kind of hoity toity school that I'd never heard of before, asks some kid, arrested for nudity, to attend their most fabulous and uppity school of utmost snootiness?

An imaginary one, of course.

It had to be a prank from my friends, teasing me about my momentary indiscretion(s) – it wasn't the first time I'd been arrested in matters pertaining to public nudity. As God is my witness, it won't be my last.

When I looked at the attached instructions, I was convinced the whole thing was a joke, a ruse, one of those new-fangled thingamajigs those darn teenagers were always up to.

The instructions told me to put the envelope to my head and chant some weird incantation. Naturally, out of pure fascination with my friend's lengths to mock me, I thought I'd give it a try (I'm always up for new things).

I stood in my room, envelope to my head, and yelled "Humidimul timul pertju. Yaksha Yaska Beldevere ju!"

And then everything went black.

I could say I feinted, but it sounds more poetic that way. Feels like I'm telling you a story of magnificent adventure and romance.

In its own way, I suppose it is.

When I woke up, I was surrounded by white floors and walls, with what had to be at least one hundred white beds - most of them empty, save a few. My eyes felt like they'd fallen out of their sockets and been pushed back in again by red-hot pokers and my body felt far too heavy to move.

It probably had something to do with the giant monkey perched on top of me, obstructing my view from the voices in front of me.

"There's got to be a better way to bring the students in! The envelope magic only has an eighty-nine percent success rate. One of the students is missing an ear!" A voice squeaked.

"Well, until we find better magic, it'll have to do. The headmaster is absolutely adamant that the humans don't just slide on in, unless he wishes them to." A gruff voice responded.

I tried not to panic as the man-sized monkey started growling at me, noticing I'd woken up.

"Ah, another student is awake. Thank Telluyah, I thought she'd died. Wouldn't be the first time." A happily red and puffy woman came up from behind the monkey, and glaring at it said, "Alfred. Get off the student. You're scaring her."

Then suddenly, as if a puppet, the monkey spoke, "Just wanted to give her the Belvedeere welcome" it chuckled.

"Monkey talk." I muttered stupidly, breathing a sigh of relief as the monkey man jumped off of me and stretched.

"Yes." the monkey, who was apparently named Alfred, chuckled, "Monkey talk, and monkey walk, and monkey teach accelerated Pyrotechnics and Biochemical warfare to students."

"I like monkeys," was all I could reply, as the red lady bustled around me, getting various instruments out and measuring me with them.

"I like monkeys too." The owner of gruff voice, who'd previously been arguing with the red lady said. He was a normal looking man of his fifties, wearing a white lab coat and pair of glasses without lenses in them. "Ah, I see you've noticed my glasses." He leaned in, whispering secretively to me, "I wear them to make me look like a real scientist. Gives me some street cred with the other faculties and students."

"Will you two stop annoying me and get on out of here." The red woman squeaked, "You're scaring the student. She's gone all white! Even her hair!"

"Ma'm." I muttered in my most brave voice, "My hair was always white."

The monkey and scientist exchanged smiles with each other, but left to attend to the other beds, leaving me with the red lady.

"Don't you worry, Ophelia. I'm Doctor Agust. I take care of all the transition students. You're one of the last to come in for the semester, you know! Terrible method of transition, of course. That's why I'm here, to ease the pain and make the transition more successful." The red lady shouted cheerfully, as she picked me up out of the bed and began walking down the rows of beds towards a large wooden door.

"Transition? Where am I?" I asked, as my head lolled around uncontrollably in the doctor's arms. She was amazingly strong for the small woman she was. I tried telling my body to wriggle out of her freakish strength, but I'd seemed to have lost a good amount of muscle control.

We walked through the wooden door, which flung itself open, smacking against the walls with an echo.

"I don't know what's gotten into these doors today. They're just full of attitude!" Doctor Agust scowled, she carried me over to a chair, which was surrounded my hundreds of others and left. I stared at her receding form strangely, watching as she marched out the doors yelling at them. I thought I'd hit my head real hard, because I could've sworn the doors told her to 'Go fuck herself'.

Slumping uncontrollably forward into the chair, I surveyed the room, which looked to be an old stone shop with numerous changing rooms and shelves full of clothes and other items. I got a chance in inspect myself in the giant mirror opposite me looking at my terrible, haggard state. All white and white. It really wasn't a good day to be pale.

What the hell had happened to me? And where was I? The last thing I'd remembered was reading that stupid incantation and thinking that my friends were assholes.

Could it have been possible that the school was real? Was I at Belvedeere? It would certainly explain all the talk of faculty and students. But then, I thought, that was impossible. Magic envelopes with weird incantations weren't real. Obviously it was an insane asylum, where my parents had shipped me off to. I'd probably collapsed because my mother had hit me over the head again. I bet they'd called the hospital and had me committed while I was down. It certainly wasn't the first time they'd tried.

"I say, couldn't you be more terribly dressed? No wonder you've a propensity towards nudity. Every time you look in the mirror your body forces you to rip those hideous clothes off." A loud masculine voice boomed, startling me out of my wits. I looked around trying to find the source of the voice. No one was around.

"Uh. They make me itchy?" I asked trying to find the individual insulting me.

"Well, obviously your body has good taste. I can't say much for your brain." The voice seemed to come from the mirror. "Come here, Miss."

I managed to push myself off the chair, but still couldn't quite walk, and so crawled towards the mirror. Tapping the glass, I said incredulously, "I never seen mirrors that could talk. Except in that movie Snow white. Are you from snow white?"

"My God, you're exceptionally dull, aren't you? I'm over here, you blithering idiot. No such thing as talking mirrors." As if magic, a small man came out from behind the register.

"You have blue hair." I muttered, staring at, watch appeared to be a dwarf with a tower of blue hair.

"Such poise, such intellect, such observation!"

"You don't need to be so rude. I don't even know where I am! I don't know who you are. I mean, who are you? I don't know anyone with blue hair." I blustered, unable to hold myself up any longer, sliding face down onto the floor.

"I see. They've told you nothing. Pah! Doctors. Sounds about right." The dwarf muttered, picking me up as if I was a leaf and placing me upright onto a chair. "You," He pointed a finger roughly on my forehead, "Are at Belvedeere Academy. The greatest school, for the most gifted young adults. I say though, they've miscalculated your intelligence. This establishment teaches a range of subjects to special people, to better equip them, and teach them to control and master their…abilities. I am Master Dijonask, the man you come to for all supplies and uniforms."

"I suppose that answers it." I muttered disbelievingly.

"Oh don't worry. While you come to terms with it, I'll get you sorted with your uniform and all that." The blue haired dwarf whipped out a tape measure and began taking measurements, "If you've other questions, you'll see the headmaster in an hour. You can direct your problems to him." As the dwarf finished the measurements, material magically started assembling to form, what I assumed was the uniform, "For some reason, he wants to see you. There aren't many students who can boast that they've seen him, let alone actually spoken to him. I don't suppose you know what he wants with you. You're not the brightest little teacup, I'm not quite sure what we can teach you here."

The magic stopped, the uniform dropping into my lap. Master Dijonask had disappeared into a cupboard, yelling, "Go put it on while I collect your other essentials."

I had managed to pick myself up and walk towards the changing rooms. Though I was regaining my strength, I was unbelievably puffed by the time I'd closed the curtains. Slowly I manage to take my old clothing off and put on the crisp, warm clothing. The uniform consisted of a black pleated skirt which came to the waist, and cut just above the knee, a long sleeved, white button up shirt that tucked in, a small black neck tie, a grey little vest covering only the shirt, and a black blazer which cut off just as the skirt met the jumper. Black, translucent stockings completed the outfit, and a pair of small heals which buckled around the ankle.

Just as I finished changing, the curtain flung open and I was dragged by the dwarf into the main room.

"Took you long enough," He muttered, "Your essentials and other uniforms have been placed in your dorm for your use. Its time for you to meet the master. And you're two minutes late."

"Is that bad?" I asked confused, and amazed that I was now able to properly walk. Albeit a little shakily. The dwarf lead me through the door of the shop and back out to the white room past the doctors I'd met before.

"Yes. Oh yes." Master Dijonask cackled, while dragging me through various rooms and hallways flinging past various different students and what had to be staff. I didn't get a chance to look properly at my surroundings, but from what I could see, the place was huge, expensively furnished and snotty, "You don't keep a man like him waiting."

With those ominous words, I was suddenly pushed through a large wooden door and was faced with a long stone tunnel lit by a few dingy electric lights. The place looked like there'd been a fight between an interior decorator with a passion for the medieval, and a blind man on a low budget. I walked down the tunnel, towards a glass door which showed a room that looked warm and nice. I couldn't help but feel like maybe I was safer in the shifty tunnel. All that was out here was some dodgy electrical work, in the room, something that was probably scarier than a talking monkey or blue haired dwarf.

I had finally reached the door, and could only stare dumbly at the gorgeous gold handle. I was so close to getting more answers, and seeing if this was a dream or if I had really gone bonkers.

As I lifted my hand to open the door, it opened itself and I walked in automatically, as if a breath of strong air had magically drawn me in. With a satisfying click the door locked behind me. I stood in front of the door, unable to process anything but the man casually sitting on the edge of his desk.

I think this is the moment where I tell you something amazing, or give you incredible detail and description. If this were a teen novel, I'd gush about the sheer beauty of the man so casually sitting in front of me. I'm supposed to tell you that he was sexy and yet full of authority and power. He was, still is. But I didn't take any of that in.

I just went and did what any normal, decent human being would've done when presented with a real life vampire.

I feinted.

A/N: Dun dun DUN?