Starving yourself isn't that hard really
You're not even that hungry
By day three,
Drink lots of water and take a bite here
Chew it forever
Because I know you're watching me
Pretending like you'd care.
I don't blame you,
Honestly who could?
I take full responsibility,
This isn't about you or that,
I know what I'm doing to me.
I just hate me so completely.
Can you even fathom?
What it's like to know
That every one sees
Everything you try not to show?
School bullies thought they were so clever
My attitude became one of indifference
Did they think they made some sort of discovery?
That my waking thoughts hadn't been the very
Things they sneered at me?
Even now I watch your eyes
As you scrutinize
Judging me as lesser, because of my size.
I'm not a 6, 8, or 10.
Never in my life have I been thin.
It used to not bother me
To bad you see,
But then I realized,
I could never be
It's all just silly vanity
But as long as society
Lets their opinions be based off "reality" TV
The only thing we have is a world striving for fantasy.
I used to say I'd only do this for me
But that was a different time…
And this starvation is better than
Another red blood line.
Back then I was so mad, so stressed, so afraid
Of every single loss, of every single day.
I don't want to sink back there again
I just want to change
I want to change for him.
Maybe if I was someone new, someone pretty
He'd give me a new chance
If he could get past all this
Erase this body, the foundation, my very essence!
I would do it all if I could have a moment
Knowing he felt as I did
Even if it kills me
I'd go happily knowing that in
That moment he wanted me as his.
So I'll pass on the plate
When your eyes search my face
I'll look away.
I'll hurry off to the scale
To go burn in the shame
Of my own emotional hell.