Death is cruel. The way it follows you around, shadowing your every move. Waiting for an opportunity to take you in its icy grip and yank you away from everything you know, watching as the ones you love suffer and cry, taking pleasure in knowing that once again it's brought misery. I despise death, a faceless bully that took something precious to me. It took my life. Now I stand here, looking over a crowd of faces, mourners. My family sit silently at the front holding each other's hands. Dad is sat looking worn and old, not surprising when he's had no sleep for weeks. Mom is struggling to compose herself, occasionally dabbing her face with a tissue as tears roll down her delicate cheeks, she's determined to put on a brave face for Nikki's sake. Poor little Nikki, my baby sister, not once has she cried. Not even when she discovered I was dead. She just sat there, didn't say a single word. I suppose people deal with things differently but some sort of emotion would be nice.
Looking around I see other family members and friends, all with the same solemn expression on their faces, they're all wearing black. The color associated with death, the color that surrounds us, you just can't see it until you're heart stops beating. It's weird seeing a room full of people surrounded by a shifting black mass and when someone walks away part of the mass follows. Even the purest of people can't escape it, the priest included as he walks over to start his little ceremony, he coughs to clear his throat and the silence comes. He starts to ramble on about how I had such a fruitful life, how I was always happy and cheerful. Bollocks. This whole ceremony is joke, only the good parts of a person's life is mentioned, not their flaws or their downfalls. My life is now being described as perfect, how I was such a good person, a model citizen and a daughter to be proud of. That's not what was said 2 months before everything leading up to my death happened, if I remember rightly mom yelled at me saying how I was a stupid whore and that I should just get out of her house.
I was pretty much used to it, every other day there was an argument between me and my parents, we were a pretty fucked up family. The focus of this cheerful gathering is a polished wooden coffin behind the priest, it would be open but due to the horrific state my body is in that would probably emotionally and mentally scar everyone in the room, it reduced my father to tears in the hospital and he's a strong man. You hear about all these terrible crimes people commit and the sick, twisted fucks that carry them out, usually all over the news. You might have heard about a seventeen year old school girl who was kidnapped while walking back home from a night out, held hostage for 2 months while being beaten, raped and tortured, her body dumped in a forest found only weeks later. Yeah, that was me. What a way to end. I had planned to finish school, maybe go to university, having a family and dying peacefully in my sleep. Totally went down the drain. I am annoyed, no correction, I'm pissed with my current situation.
Seriously, who wouldn't be? I don't even know what I am anymore? A ghost? It seems I'm a failure in that department as well; no chains to rattle and can't even scare anyone, ladies and gentlemen welcome to hell. Who needs flames and a guy with horns when you can just be stuck in a limbo, all alone watching your family and friends live their lives. Lucky bastards, they have no idea how good they've got it. We take everything for granted. EVERYTHING! Every breath, every heart beat, smile, laughter, tears, love, friends and even the things that don't seem so significant, even a driving in your car has a meaning. But we don't acknowledge this; it's just another chore to us, just something else in our lives. What amazes me is how planned our lives are, you have to think ahead to the future; what job you want, you're education and a potential family. But what if you don't have a future? What if it all suddenly ends? Can you confidentially say you lived your life to the fullest? I can't, there are so many things I wish I had done, parties I'd gone to and friends I could've made.
If an opportunity to do something presents itself take it, don't think about it just say yes because at the end of the day you're opening more doors in your life and it becomes a greater story to tell at the end of your life.