"Kean, please can I have some ice cream now" I look down at the tiny little person holding my hand as we cross the street walking toward the park.
"Once we get there Jane." She smiles up at me and I can't help to smile back down at her. This little girl who just turned six is my whole world. I work hard so I can be a good role model for her. I work hard so she can have everything she wants in life. She is my joy and I love making her happy. We make it to the park and stand in front of the ice cream truck before we head to the playground. She jumps up and down as she tells the man she wants strawberry ice-cream with whip cream. I give the man his money and take her little hand. We sit down on the bench and I pet the top of her head smoothing down her brown fizzy hair. Her legs are dangling she swings them around smiling up at me with her bright blue eyes. She hands me her empty cone and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. I take out the tissue in my pocket and wipe her hand. She stares out in to the playground and she sighs.
"None of my friends are here" she says
"there are lots of kids here, why don't you try and make new ones" She looks up at me and bites her lip
"I'm scared" I kiss the top of her head
"Don't be" she nods, jumps off the bench, and runs to the sand box.
I can't believe my life has changed so much since she has been in my life. I was such a child making so many mistakes, but now after these six years with her I found that I'm a different man. The day she was born I knew I had to make some changes. The first thing I did was leave Katie. She was beautiful and she loved me, but I couldn't live my life the way we were living it. We spent those eight months fighting every time we were together. She would yell and scream and ask me why I wanted to marry her. I never gave her an answer, but it wasn't until Jane was born that I had to tell her. That night after I left the hospital I went home, she was there watching television she looked up and turned back to her show. I found the remote and turned it off. She looked at me and sat up
"What's wrong?"
"I can't do this anymore"
"What?" she said standing up
"I don't love you, I can't marry you" she started crying, I couldn't look at her
"Did you ever love me"
"No" I didn't want to lie anymore
"Here" she said as she took her ring off. She placed it in my hand and walked out the door. The next day when I came home from work all her things were gone. She left me a blank note with only my key on it. The day after that I found out she quit. I haven't seen her since that night. I don't think I ever will. I spent my days working and the days I had free I spent them with Jane. I got promotions after promotions until I become the head CEO for the branch in New York. I bought a house in a good neighborhood and had my mother move in with Jane. I bought a penthouse where I lived when I wasn't spending the nights with my family. I was living the life. I could have spent every waken minute with them, but the job I had now was taking its toll. I worked all through the night. I had to be the best I had to make everything work. Some days they did, others it was much harder. Mr. Holland and I had many meetings throughout the years and not once did we talk about her. I think it's because he grew to respect me and didn't want to bring that ordeal back into our lives. Yes there were days when my mind would wander, but it wasn't for long.
I take a deep breath in and then out I held him in my arms and closed my eyes as he sang a little song into my ear. I love hearing him sing. I held him a bit tighter once he finished and I let him go smiling down at him as I tell him I love his new song. He looks up at me with a huge smile on his face. This little boy, my little boy is the best thing in my life.
"Mommy, can I go play in the sand" I nodded my head as I put him down on the ground. He begins to run and I yell after him
"be careful" he starts laughing and starts to run faster his brown hair blowing in the wind.
Jackson is five years old. When I had him, I had Alfie by my side. He had been with me every day since we got married. When we came back from our honeymoon we were living in my parents' house until Alfie figured out what he wanted to do. Since I was married and was going to have a baby my career life was put on hold. I had to go where ever he decided to go. He had two choices, to work for my father or to work for his. He selected his father. It was a great opportunity he was going to start out in a big position and he was going to be making a ton of money. The only downfall was that we would have to move to Texas. A month after he accepted the job we moved into a two story house in Texas. While he worked I spent my time working on our home. I became friends with all our neighbors and joined our community club, where I volunteered for everything and anything. That was until my water broke and little baby Jackson came into my life. For the first year I was scared. I loved this little baby, but I was lost. I didn't know what I was doing. I needed my mother I needed someone to help me, but I didn't call her. I told myself I would never need their help not after what happened. They got what they needed, and I wasn't it. My neighbor Candy had three kids and at the ripe age of 43 where her kids didn't need her as much she had time to teach me everything I know. I became a great mother thanks to her. That year those first few days I was scared. I was scared that Alfie will realize that this child wasn't his. That my baby looked nothing like him, if he knew or thought about it he never showed it. He held that baby and rocked it to sleep every chance he got. He loved him as much as I do. Year after year I spent my time at home with my son, making dinner every night for my husband and every night he showed up with a smile on his face once he sat down. Everything was going great, I had the perfect home, good friends, and a loving family, but things happen, things change.
A couple of months ago while Jackson was asleep I stayed awake waiting for my husband to come home. This was the fourth day his has been coming home late. I could feel something was wrong. I didn't want it to be true, but I couldn't ignore it. I had spent five years trusting him being with him, loving him. I couldn't let something ruin my life with him. The more I let it go the bigger the possibility that something was wrong. He came home to find me sitting on the kitchen counter.
"What are you still doing up"
"I was waiting for you" I said as I sat still letting my legs dangle.
"I'm tired can we just go to bed? I don't think I have the energy to get it up" I looked down at him
"I thought you wanted this?"
"I do, just not right now" he said as he untied his tie.
"What's going on? I feel like something is up, you've been coming home late and you haven't been in the mood to do it. I thought you wanted this child."
"Nothing is wrong" he didn't move
"Don't you want another baby"
"Yes I do, I want a baby that is all mine" he yelled
"I love Jackson, but every time I see him, I think of him and I know that he isn't mine. That this child that I love with all my heart isn't mine kills me! I love you and I love him, but every day that he keeps growing he looks like him and I start thinking that if I see him then you see him too and that you start thinking about him. I start to worry."
"Don't please. All I see is Jackson"
"I don't understand why we can't have a child" he said as he takes his jacket off. We are still a part he didn't make a move toward
"It'll happen"
"I kissed someone" he said bluntly. I could feel myself tearing up. We sit there in silence the only sound is the rain and thunder from outside.
"Who" I whisper
"Darlene" I close my eyes
"Did you do anything more" he ran to me and held my hands
"No I stopped myself. I told her I couldn't do it and I left. It just happened it meant nothing" he said as he kissed my hands. Tears started to come down my face
"You are quitting" he pulls back and looks at me
"If you want to save our marriage you are going to quit. You would look for another job and we will move."
"Audrey"
"No, Alfie! You are going to do this or we are over!"
"Do we really need to move, you worked so hard on this place"
"That's what happens when you shit where you eat Alfred! You fucking kissed this bitch who lives two house down from our!" I yelled as I slapped him in the face.
Now here I am in New York once again with an unhappy marriage. Alfred asked his father for a transfer and he explained to him what happened. His father was more than happy to move us to New York. It has been three months since we moved here and I am barely starting to feel like I'm at home. We bought a house in this nice neighborhood. It was a cute three story home with a small backyard. I spent those three months fixing it up and making a new home for us and looking for a good school for Jackson. Alfred and I haven't tried to have a child since.