Always

We have been together for so long, I remember. What you know of me is more than what I know of myself and what I know of you is more than you can ever know of yourself. You had been a kind best friend of mine, and I always wanted you to know that. You may not know, but you really are. You have been so kind to me, so concerned for me. It is true that we went through paths that we never liked. We argued and fought each other too many times before, and we tried outsmarting each other before.

But we survived, and those hardships made us stronger. You continued being so kind to me, and I soon realized: that I grew fond of you and that I can never live a day without a smile of yours given only to me. I don't want you to know, I never wanted you to slip out of my reach. If being a friend is enough to be close to you, then I will hold on, no matter how long, as long as I am sure that you are safe, and anytime you will be there when I call you.

Sure, there are times when I cannot keep control and wanted to shout my feelings to you and if I should make it louder and firmer just to show how much I love you, then believe me I could have done it. A long time ago, when things are still between the two of us. We had our own world, own version of fun, and own time. We had things only between the two of us, until you met him, a guy you introduced to me, the guy you explained to me to be the man who made you more than happy.

What we had, what we created, from our childhood up to now, he knew it all like a friend having a longer friendship with you than what I had with you.

I never had the chance to speak my heart out when I saw that large trace of smile on your beautiful face.

Now here we are. I hear the sound of the bells of the church as you and I stand together in front of the closed doors of the church. You wear a pretty and long white dress that matches your skin and your head and your face is covered in that veil. You cannot speak at all, the happiness is too much. I'm sure you wanted to cry out of joy, but you are always aware that your make-over shall not be ruined until the end of the ceremony. You keep playing with your gloved fingers, and you keep biting your lip. You are happy and you are excited. More excited than I have ever seen you in my whole life.

You glance at me once or twice and your smile just widens. You are happy that I easily approved of your relationship without hardships for him at all, but you don't know, you will never have a clue how much I wanted to pain him before he can hold your hand, but, but I am too struck when you said, "He's my lover" that I almost fell on my knees because during that day, with that perfect weather, I was about to speak of how much I felt about you, but you went first, and when you asked me what I was going to tell, my lips trembled, and my eyes searched you, looking for a sign that you must be kidding. But I saw none. The words I will always love to tell you went back to my throat, and all the courage I gathered ran off elsewhere. I was heartbroken.

We heard the music play and you hooked your hand on my arm when the grand doors opened. Your father had long rested, and you chose me to go with you. I almost laughed when you told me that, but I did not refuse, no matter how much it hurts.

"You look beautiful, Ellice." I whispered to her and we marched in. I saw the altar, and I saw him, with a very large smile on his face. I imagined myself being the one in his place, and I felt the gush of happiness live in me. But that will never happen. He's a very kind man, a responsible and sweet one, to you, especially. The perfect prince charming you wished for as you read your romance novels.

People crane their necks as they look at the flower of the ceremony and we all saw her as she wipe her tears – she cannot help it anymore – with a clean white handkerchief. You're smiling and you're happy. As I listen to you sniff in your nose, I also felt the threat of tears behind my eyes. But I held on, and finally, when we stopped, he smiled at me, and then glued his eyes to you as I felt your hand slip away from my arm.

I sat on the end of the crowd, almost at the back of the church when I saw you turn your head and you looked for me. You saw me, you smiled and mouthed, "Thank you" and turned back to the priest and started the beginning of the greatest part of your life.

The people settled down and sat back to their seats as I finally felt my tears running down my cheeks. I cannot keep holding on, even if I tried, countless times. These are the tears I wanted to release upon realizing that I will never have a chance for you, or even a chance to say how much I love you. I lowered my head, so as to not receive any attention.

I cannot speak, no words nor thoughts came to me, but what I was only able to answer to her, was a simple thought in my mind, "Congratulations", not to you, but to the man who I can say the luckiest man in this world to marry a woman as beautiful as you. He got the treasure more precious than gold and diamond.

I wiped my tears, looked up and smiled as I watch the rest of the ceremony. Even if I was never able to get what I want from you, even if I was never able to be what I want for you, still, I will always be here, as a friend, and as what you treat me and consider me as. A friend. Always.