What is Love?
Love is... enduring.
Kids are playing in the distance. There are three of them running around with a ball. The chick has Heely's and doesn't realize that she can't skid across grass. The grass is damp. Its making my butt wet but I don't bother to get up. It's cloudy and my hair's going crazy with the wind.
It's been a year since I last saw you, since I'd last heard or felt you. Birthdays, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas and a New Year have occurred. It's our last year of high school. Our last year before we're expected to grow up and become adults. We've missed so much of each other.
I cherished each and every one of the countless emails you'd sent me. You told me of the food, weather and the friends you'd made overseas whereas I kept you updated on the gossip going on at school and the status of Suki, your Border Collie that I walked almost religiously for you.
You sent me pictures of your experiences but I still found myself wondering how you might have changed. I was anxious. My fingers itched to touch you, to confirm that you're still real. Still there. That you're not some sick joke my brain conjured to fuck with my feelings.
There is a rustling. Large arms wrap around me from behind, and I am once again plagued by your intoxicating scent. You've changed the smelly stuff you wear, but under all that is the familiar essence that makes it hard to form words. You're warm. You're solid. You're so very real. Like a warm ray of sunlight cutting through fog, it's alright again. You're here. You're with me. I kind of want to cry.
I laugh breathlessly. "Hey."
"Hey." You hum in reply. It's hard to suppress the large grin that hurts my cheeks.
I turn and my eyes soak you up. You've grown a heap taller. You've tanned a bit and stopped spiking your hair up, but other than that you are exactly the same as I remember. I get up and forget to be self-conscious about my wet grass-stained behind and hugged you so tightly that it must've hurt.
"I like your hair." That was random. I sent you a questioning look as I breathed more of you in. "It's long… and stuff."
"Thanks." I try not to burst into a laugh. "I did growit myself."
"Shhhhh… Just shhhh. You're better when you're quiet." I can't hold the chortle in anymore and I lift my head and look into your eyes. They're that poopy brown green again. I like poopy brown green.
I wish I could just stop time and live in your embrace until I die. I want to. I really do. I want to always have you near me. I want you to continue to be there to hug me, to make me feel beautiful, to be always up for a talk, to be there to depend on and comfort me when I'm down. You're so good to me that I don't deserve you. The year apart from each other made me realize that I didn't want any of this to end.
Living three hundred and sixty five days without you was hard. Every day I yearned to just get up and book a ticket to Australia. I wanted to feel like I could float into outer space again. I wanted to be able to laugh so much that people question my sanity when I smile to thin air. I wanted you.
"Gray…" you quirked your eyebrows in that stupidly cute way in acknowledgment. "…did I tell you that I really, really missed you?"
You were the only thing I wanted. Even if I didn't deserve you. Even though you may not currently feel the same way about me. Even if we were wrong for each other in every single way. I was willing to do anything.
I kind of want to kiss you. My right hand reaches towards your face. I go up on my toes and do just that.
During that moment you had all of me. All my feelings. It makes me feel vulnerable. Naked. You could easily hurt me if you wanted to. You could ruin my life. But all of is part of the risk. All of this emotional turmoil and pain. It makes love worth just that much more. I can never be completely sure, but I think I want to love you. I don't know for sure if I can. But I'm willing to try.
That's just how important you are to me.
DFTBA: A bit preoccupied as of late. But here you go! One more chapter to wrap things up! :)