What would you say if I said I loved you?
Would you laugh and mock me for wearing my heart on my sleeve? I could stare into you're hazel eyes and wait forever on an answer. You're like the autumn sun after a summer of rain. I could dry off in your rays because I'm drenched from head to toe, after years on the outside. I've been ignored, insulted and pushed out by you, more times than I care to recall, yet here I am. But even the sun has to set as all good things must come to an end.
I loved her.
You breathe out the words like I was never meant to hear them. But the words slam into my chest driving my heart even deeper into my chest; I'm almost sure it won't resurface again. This seems like the final nail to the coffin, that you seem to have built for me.
Why can't you see it?
I wish I could have the strength of an army to tell you exactly how I feel. I wish I could just pour those three little words out but I know once they're out it'll be harder to cram them back inside my mouth. I don't want to run after you when you're not running towards me. But I can't help it, it's like you have this magnetic force that's dragging me towards you, kicking and screaming along the way.
I'll fight to conceal the sadness that I've sunk into; I'll wipe off my tears before you have the chance to see them. I'll smile sweetly and be happy for you when you're with someone else because they can do one thing that I can't; and that my dear friend is make you happy in the way I cannot. I'd rather die quietly with only conscience narrating my end than burden you with the truth.
The truth is, I think loving you is what is killing me. It's almost as if you've driven an arrow straight through my heart and now all you do is stand and watch as I bleed out. I reach out a hand to you but I feel the sting of coldness as only the air grips my hand. You're not really here are you?
It seems your thoughts have taken you elsewhere. Somewhere I can't join. Maybe if I called out to the darkness I am plunged it, you'll be able to hear me?
Hello? Are you still here?
You answer with a small smile that seems to be struggling under your stony composure. It seems I am unable to coerce you out of some mirage you've migrated to.
You reply limply; it's like she's sucked the life right out of you until you're just a ghost of yourself.
I just miss her.
And I miss you, or do I not count in this?
But it seems that my feelings are to go on ignored because you stare past me as if you were already gone. I wonder sometimes, when I cannot sleep, whether you would notice if I just disappeared? It's as if this quiet contemplation of mine has snapped you out of your own thoughts; you look at me as if you've suddenly noticed I'm alive. You're eyes blazing with a sense of desperation, anger and loss; like a toxic cocktail that's already flowing around your system and is corroding the boy I use to know.
But it's right then as I watch you struggle to hold back the sobs, as they threaten to fall, that I feel the truth crash into my chest like a bolt of lightning. She has taken what happiness that came your way and twisted it until only the gloomy clouds mirror your feelings.
Dear friend I have to admit that I love you. I want to be the one you fight for, the one you'll hold hands with and the one you can admit anything to.
I need to see her.
Those words seem like a cruel slap in the face. Don't you realise she was just a mere player, who masked herself in false feelings to trap you. I just need to find the key to set you free.
Maybe if we can talk, things will change.
You've made up your mind, it seems. Your figure slowly winds away from mine as if it's on some string which means you're being pulled away from me. It seems that you are determined to let the past repeat itself, like an old movie, even though we know it will end the same.
I have one chance to say something that I have wanted to say for years. So why shouldn't I be selfish and tell you. I do want to lose you, not to her, not again. I have been fighting back these words for what has felt like a lifetime. If I don't say it now, I know I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I know that if I lose again we'll be pulled apart and you're already out of my reach. This distance between us seems to stretch on for eternity.
So I guess, this is my last chance to say it before you leave.
I love you.
I close my eyes as I say the words as if it will hide me from reality.
Please love me back. Please. Please don't walk away. Please.
The small voice inside of me can't help but plead that the next words outside your mouth are something kind enough to save my fragile heart.
As I open my eyes I see yours and it's in those hazel pools that I've found the answer staring back at me. It seems as if the words between us are better not spoken allowed.