10/17/12

(title undecided)

Watching the only person you love slowly die, is like watching the world end, knowing that no matter what you do or say, none of it will make a difference in the least. Standing there, just watching everything fall apart, burn down, and crash all around you. You try to reach out, try to grab something to hold onto to remind yourself of how things once were, but everything just slips through your hands like dust; reminding you once again, just how powerless you are.

I sat there across the table from him, watching what last little bits of strength, energy, and hope he had dissipate into the cold, rainy air around us. I didn't know quite what to say, but I knew I had to be prudent with my word choice. Just being who I am, I figured my motto: "A random question a day, keeps the stupid doctors away", would be a good place to start. I had quite an affinity for this young man whom I'd learned to know, and come to love, and I couldn't bear to see him so sad any longer. "If you could have a lifetime supply of anything, what would it be?" My sleepy, sorrow-filled boyfriend slowly lifted his head up off of the table "What?" I repeated the question while searching his eyes and facial expressions for anything that might help me to break down this brick wall he had put up. "Hope. And faith. A lot of hope and faith" he replied. He didn't put his head back down, but looked grimly only at the table. I didn't answer him, for I knew that if I did, not only would my voice crack, but also that I had broken a small hole through that brick wall of his. "I'm just so tired of life, tired of home and everybody at home. I'm tired of always second-guessing myself about you. And, as much as I trust you, it's like, when I get home, all of it comes back. Sometimes I feel like I should just walk away from you, from everybody here, off this porch in my socks, into the woods, and kill myself." I had an extreme adulation for this boy and couldn't even imagine what my life would be like without him, so hearing that he was even contemplating suicide, shattered my heart and crushed it to less than dust.

Death is the most narcissistic person I've ever met, he takes what he wants, he doesn't borrow. I say this because every time I look in my boyfriend's eyes, I see a lost and broken soul overshadowed by Death himself. "Austin, you're the only person that really matters to me, the only person who can hold my feet to the ground, and the only person who can keep me SANE. And you're the only man I love." I looked away for a minute; watching the small droplets of rain begin to plummet down faster, then slower, then even faster, then slower, then back to normal again; as if it were playing a song. "Austin," I sighed, resting my head on my hand, looking back at him now. "You're the only - how could you even think - he's only a friend, not -"I stammered pointlessly. I give up, I thought to myself.

Finally Austin looked me in my eyes, and I saw once again, the innocent, love-struck, puppy-dog boy that I had an easy predilection for, the day upon which we met. "If I didn't have you, I don't what I'd do, Elizabeth." He stood up and walked over to where I was now leaning against the railing and put his arm around me. "You'd be the most antipathetic person ever to live, after Hitler, of course." He managed a small, weak, dry laugh. "Heh. That's for sure." I stepped out of the warmth of his embrace to get a better look at him, his eyes were still dark, haunted, and lost; and my heart was filled with antipathy at what I saw. It was like Lucifer was laughing at me, saying "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! He's mine once again!" "Austin, are you okay?" he quickly looked down at me, "Yeah." He was obviously and most definitely hiding something, whether it was good or not, I intended to find out what it was. The confluence of our relationship had been altered, and it pissed me off. I looked back at the rain, reached out my hand to feel the cool mist, and my mother's head; grey, coarse and bloodied, landed in my hands "I revere you like no other man Austin"