Mitt Hjärta Blöder
In my seemingly okay life, where I have everything I want in my life, the only thing that would bring me pain would be love.
I met this guy at one of my best friends dinner party. He was an okay guy but we got along well. We talked and talked about things we had in common, he almost seemed perfect; I even gave in him my phone number at let him drive me back home; he even walked me at the door and kissed my hand as he left. I thought I had found the perfect man from a fairytale, but unlike fairytales, it was not to meant to last that long.
We went on a few dates, did a few things, we kissed on the third night but it didn't had any magic that I expected. Even though they said the first kiss would be the magical of them all, I had to admit and say that that would be a total lie.
After that, we hardly contacted at all. Even if he occasional took me out for coffee in the afternoon, it felt like talking to a friend more than a lover. We had no quarrels, no arguments, neither of us even cheated as I found out he lived two blocks away from me. He would help with groceries while I helped sort out his bills. I thought that if we keep walking around circles; none of us would go anywhere…
However, after a month of seeing each other, he decided to take me out for coffee once more. It was at this trendy place not far off from the insurance agency and the weekend crowds were simply hanging out. I canceled my plans to go out clubbing with the girls, but somehow I regretted on doing so.
"I think we must break up", he spoke. Glancing at his coffee while I spit mine out while drinking.
"What?" I questioned. Feeling like something had suddenly cracked inside me.
"I think we must break up", he repeated. Trying hard as he can on not looking at my face. I could tell he suddenly regretting this, but I understand what he was going through.
"Why?" I asked. Putting my cup of coffee as I looked at him with intense pain.
"Well it felt were more like friend rather than partners", he explained. "At first I really liked you. But after dating you for awhile, it felt like I made the wrong choice…"
"Wrong choice?" I laughed nervously, but it felt like I was mocking him, as the next words I spoke were, "Well here's the 411 buddy. Fuck you!"
Rising up and taking my suitcase and handbag with me while the people stared at me with rather confused looks. I gave them the middle finger as I left the coffee shop. I didn't bothered turning around to see their reactions, but I would expect them on not caring at all since breaks up are like that, very messy.
Walking down the road with hands in my pockets. I took out my iPhone and ear-buds to play the next song that was listed. Veronica Maggio's Mitt Hjärta Blöder started as I walked some more, climbing down the stairs and following a man. I followed him through the barrier that separated the entrance to the platform; closing on me and reopening as it allowed me through. The guards there said "Hey" while I gave them the middle finger some more. Chasing me down the escalator as the chorus started to play. I barely got in the train as it closed behind me.
A kid stared at me while I was lying against the door, his innocent gaze was begging on why I was sad, unfortunately for him, I scared him as he went for the comfort for his mother. At least he got some love as I was smashing my suitcase out of frustration. I replayed the song while sitting on the train floor. Soaking in the lyrics as the song title literal translated into "My heart is bleeding".
I stepped out the train and exited the station. It was already nightfall and I had a sudden urge to light a cigarette.
Asking a couple of guys who hanged around a minimarket at the corner of the road. I asked them if one of them had a cig.
The first guy apologized and said he had none. The second guy also apologized and said he had none as well. I asked the third guy, one wearing a baseball hat and headphones; a total wannabe gangster DJ said he that has some, but he asked me if I want one, I have to kiss him.
"Yeah nice try", I spoke in a mocking tone. Grabbing his hat and dropped my discarded suitcase. It took him few seconds to add two and two to realize what just happened, so he chased after me while I manage to enter a nearby cab.
Telling the driver on taking me the nearest club around here. The guy I stole the hat from came banging on window, so I lowered it and talk him for a few as the taxi began to drive away. Handing him over the hat and laughing while rolling up the window. I hadn't had this much fun for ages, but despite that, I'm still hurt from the break up.
Playing around with the stereo, drinking his beer can. I looked at my reflection on the rear-view mirror but he scolded me and told him to sit back down. I asked if I could change clothes here, paying extra for the damage I done. He said, "Go ahead. I don't care; it's your dignity not mine". Which I translated to "Okay".
Removing my jacket, unbuckling my pants. I stripped myself into my lacey underwear before I slipped on a little black dress. I changed my loafers into my designer high-heels that were probably fake as I bought them off in China town.
I stuff my work clothes into my bag and put the jacket over me. I sang out-of-tune to the song on the radio and I kissed the cab driver behind the ear. I rolled down the window and laid my head to rest on it. Letting the cool spring air touch my skin and the smell of car fumes into my nose. It was already prime time in down town and I was ready to turn myself into a wreck then I was ever before.
Paying the taxi driver a hundred dollar bill for the extra cost. I told him to keep the change as I exited the taxi. Taking my handbag, silencing my phone. I stuffed it into the depth of my bag and tried to forget about it as I stepped through the club doors.
It was busy but not that busy. People were dancing or lounging as I made my way to the bar. Looking around and seeing a couple making out with each other through the darken room and the flashing strobe lights. I couldn't help envy them but pity as well, the girl was bound to have her broken like how mine was.
Stealing a bottle of tequila when nobody was looking. I made my way to dance floor to let myself loose a little.
Taking gulps of it as I swayed to the techno music. I immediately head for the women's bathroom and locked myself at a stall. Drowning myself in tequila and tears as I didn't care if I wasted or not, the security might eventually find me and kicked me out. Which they did when some heavy fists racked against the toilets stalls door.
"Go away", I shouted in a drunken haze. Gulping down the expensive alcohol as the voice told me to get out. I repeated my words again, this time more slurred as the alcohol levels had started to kick in. My mind was hazy and my heart was already heavy. It felt like it my heart was bleeding like how the song I listen to mere hours ago, "Mm, det här är värt att dö för Jag tror mitt hjärta blöder" or known as "this is worth dying for I think my heart's bleeding".
Was this worth dying for? I really didn't know. I was drunk, depressed and totally an emotional wreck; I'm pathetic. I didn't bothered complaining as the security kicked down the door and grabbed me in the arms. I didn't even bother to swear at them when they pushed me out and throw my stuff as well. I felt as though the world suddenly hates me and was punishing me from a crime I didn't commit. Forcing me to wander aimlessly in the now empty streets of the late evening. I settled myself at cried my heart out. Cursing my ex, cursing myself, cursing for the club and probably cursing the tequila that caused me to be drunk. I wanted to end everything until a voice called out to me.
"Hey are you okay?" a voice asked.
Looking up to see a dark haired man with a glasses and after-shadow, he's face featured some concern. It seemed genuine as he repeated the question.
"Hey are you okay? You look quiet pretty down".
"That's an understatement…" I chuckled sadly. Pulling all my senses back from the drunk wonderland I was in. I told him that I was in a pretty bad-place now and was really screwing myself up for that.
"It's really pathetic." I smiled sadly. Considering that everything I did was pretty overly dramatic over one break up that could happen to anybody. I felt like the new Britney Spears, but unlike her, I came to my senses.
It was suddenly freezing and the jacket I was wearing didn't provide the adequate warmth I needed. I felt I needed to hug myself for warmth until a thick jacket was draped over me.
"You look cold", the guy smiled sympathetically. It looked he understand I went through. I wanted to ask if he broke up with anyone recently, but considering that I was really drunk and needed to lie down. He asked me if he wants him to escort me back to house, even though he said that it would be awkward since we don't know each other. He was kind of cute when he was asking the question, probably it was the blushing that made him attractive.
"I would like that." I smiled slightly.
Even though the world had suddenly punished me, it gave me a reward. Even if my heart was bleeding from misery, I felt like there was a little bit of hope left from me to recover from this. I need to learn how to move forward and accept that what was done was done. Even if I didn't like it, I felt like it would be the best thing that would ever happened to me.
Hailing a taxi and telling him the address I gave. He let me enter first while he closed the door while entering himself.
Holding my stuff and looking out the window, I've noticed some bruising on his cheek, a slap possibly? I wanted to ask if he had a break up that ended quiet messily, but my mind intervene and asked me to sleep. Even though the man and I are complete strangers, I felt like we were a lot closer compared to my previous relationship. Even if he broke up with me, he was still my friend, so I should forgive him.
Placing my head on his shoulders. I told him to wake me up when we get there. Dozing off to sleep, I could feel his arm wrapping around my shoulder and his hand gently stroking my hair. He whispered, "I will", into my ears as he gently kissed my forehead. I wasn't either too conscious to object or I was feeling to safe to let go. I whispered back to him, "Thank you." Before finally I closed my eyes and went into sleep.