You know that feeling? The one where you hate someone immensely, and yet your knees give a little when you see them? It's like your heart doesn't want admit that they're your weakness, but instead of just ignoring them and acting natural, you go to the extreme of convincing yourself that you hate them. As if that's the only way to get away from such a vulnerability.
I've felt it. That un-hate. My heart thumped in my chest like a ticking bomb, reminding me that an explosion of words, a confession, could occur at any minute. Except no one could see what going on inside, because on the outside, I instinctively curled my lip in disgust and narrowed my eyes. As if in order to survive these ridiculous feelings that made me weak, I'd have to appear to feel the opposite.
It's a natural reaction. Of course, I feel regret as I see him walk away, because I want to tell him. I want him to look at me with the expression I'm wearing when he turns his back to me. I miss his smile when he scowls at me; angry at me and my words that are full of the un-hate. The malice and disgust that I could never really feel for him.
Nevertheless, could I change it? Would my reaction, my act that is all too authentic, be different if he actually returned what I felt for him?
He could make it stop. The bitter words and cold looks; they could all go away if he didn't do exactly what everyone else did. Defend himself.
It sounds dangerous. To let your guard down and allow someone with so much hate in their heart to get into your's. But it's that defensive mentality that turned me into what I am. It's what gave me the un-hate.
Maybe he's not the one I'm supposed to be waiting for. Because if there's anyone that could be right for me, if there's anyone I'm supposed to wait for, it would be the man that doesn't defend himself against my un-hate. The man that refuses to succumb to my aggression, my desire for conflict.
It'll be that man -who sees straight through my hard, steely layers. That's who I have to wait for.