My mom's had me and my brothers cleaning the house up since we got home from school and I've been helping out a lot without complaining and I asked if I could relax for a bit while she and Trav made dinner. She said no and I said "I've made your back porch pretty. I'm still making the front porch pretty. Isn't that enough?" I was joking and so was she, but when she said these next words I got very angry and hateful. I don't even really know why.
"Not good enough, darling."
A joking sentence, but how does it bring up so much pain and bitterness? Am I ever good enough? Am I ever f-ing good enough? For you? For anyone? Why do you treat me like I'm never what you want, like I'm nothing? Why can't I just be loved for me, why do I have to earn that from you? From you, my mother?
I'm not who you want, I'm not the perfect little doll you can set up on a pedestal and expect to know what to do. Why can't you understand that? Why can't you just love me? I can't help not being perfect. Isn't it good enough that I try?
Don't answer that, I already know the answer. No. I am never, never, the child you want, the perfect little girl you want everyone to see. I'm a failure, with all my grades, all my good-girl hobbies, all the things I changed about myself, for you. It doesn't matter that I'm the bestin my class, doesn't matter that I'm a good girl, doesn't matter that I'm not even myself anymore... Why can't that be enough?
WHAT IS ENOUGH?
WHY CAN'T I BE ENOUGH?
WHAT IS PERFECT ENOUGH?
WHY CAN'T I BE PERFECT ENOUGH?
WHAT IS GOOD ENOUGH?
WHY CAN'T I BE GOOD ENOUGH?
I just want to be me. I just want you to love me.
What is enough?
Why can't I be enough?
What is perfect enough...
Why can't I be perfect enough...
What is good enough...
Why can't I be good enough...
I'll admit, I've had problems accepting myself because I felt like my mom always expected me to be the perfect doll she wanted. I told her this recently and she said that she didn't want that at all, she just wanted me to be me. I still have trouble really accepting this though, so the words "perfect" and "good enough" still play with my emotions really bad. This is just a random rant I felt like writing. So there ya go.