Life is always slipping and sliding down steep paths. Jerking us in different directions. It holds you in one place for a while then takes out from underneath your feet. Life leaves you constantly falling. Taking you one sure way, then lifting you up and smacking you back down to the long twisty, painful road of chaos. We're never stopped. Always moving. Always running.
Mom held out her hand. I took it, trustingly. Knowing beyond a doubt in my mind she'd protect me. We walked along the old cracking side-walk. The three of us together. I never thought anything could ever change. Not from this. Not from the constant I held myself every day. I was a young child. But an old soul, and I refused to play with toys. That set me far apart from my younger sister Luna, Who always had a stuffed animal or a small figurine to tittle with. From the time I was three they knew I'd come out different. Deeper. More astronomical than my siblings, from my friends. When other kids were learning how to read I was already reading bitts and parts of harry potter, or chapters from an Ann Rice novel.
The first memories I have is in black and white. I was sitting on my grandmother's lap, watching my mother walk down the aisle. My father in a rough old style tux was standing in my grandmothers garden, beside a man I didn't recognize. Latter I would find that this was the day my parents married, a ceremony I can't hardly stand to think of now.
There are other memory, such as meeting Mike for the first time. Mother is holding me, we're walking into an old trailer... I think it's a trailer. There are puppies everywhere, and mike and I are sitting on the ground... more laying on our backs. I can't make much sense to what's going on around me, only bitts and peace' hanging above my head, a toy I think. Touching his nose. Watching his eyes. He's older than me; That I can sorta guess. He touches my face and describes me "Little Babe" I think I smiled. I can't remember.
Another memories was of my third or fourth birthday. Every day from the beginning of the month , I'd come to my mother and ask; "Am I three yet?" Everyday she'd say no. Untill finally she gave me a surprise party. I've wanted another real one ever since. A few months after my sister Luna was born, and we moved into the cabin.
I remember the white and orange of the moving van, and exploring my new surroundings. I remember picking up a key off my bedroom floor. Not knowing where it came from. The key still scares me, yet I wear it around my neck, on a chain. There was A girl there. Maya. I'll have to go further into detail on her a little later. There are scars there that are still much too sore. Much to deep. Much to real.
I started to feel my reality slipping when I was around five years old. I became obsessed with the idea that I was in the wrong family. That my "other mother" would come to get me, and steel me away from my parents arguments. The arguments that will scare me my whole life. My name is, Jessiphia (Jessie) Aurora Kepply Rhinelander. And I'm about to take you through the events of my troubled life. Starting when the neglect and abuse were small, to when gang activity and drugs ruled my life; then after that, as i begin to enter the adult world.
I don't care if you're interested in this. I don't know how far I'll get. And I couldn't tell you were I'll finish. I can't say that it will be in order, or that everything will make sense. But I plan to tell every single detail I can recall out of my truly annoying mind. I promise to spill every lie or secret I have. I'll lose people. People close to me. People that mean the world to me. But then, I'd rather die from loss then to die from guilt.
Agitated. That's the word for this. I know emotions are NOT supposed to rule my life. But somehow they always manage to. The people around me. The setting. Everything flying at me at once. It's hard to control sometimes, that fleeting thought. The thought no one wants to hear. I shout it out anyway. Not really caring what other people think of me. That doesn't mean they shouldn't care about what I think of them.
Crossnore Academy, was constructed to be the most monotonous thing since highschool. Day after redundant day, after redundant day, after redundant day. Always the same, never-changing, no longer needed day. One that lasts forever. Once in a while something exciting happens. Then its all anyone talks about for a month. You begin to realize that even the exciting things are redundant and plaid. every thing seems to turn to black and white. Crossnore, is of course made of broken, and unwanted children. Or where broken family's, try to rebuild broken pride. Everything built for the broken. so the full, plentiful, wealthy, healthy, happy people running this place... Have to create a stupid, everyday, super bearing routine.
I've said before that my biggest flaw is wanting to love everybody. I have my mother to thank for that. I try to be grateful for everything, because I know I haven't always had as much as I do now. Only now it's as if I have less. I'm swimming through life with much less to live by. I have a bed, I have money, I have shoes, a room, and a computer. But all that isn't important. It never has been. Whats always really mattered? My family, and love. You can't beat love. You can't buy love either. It's the one emotion that can stay completely pure, while providing a lot of but hurt. For example;My mom is the only person who can accept me. Therefore; is across the country from me, only it feel like she's across the world.
The day Jared left was the day DSS took custody of me, and the my mother disappeared. (Can't beat love) The last thing I saw of her was a torn image of messy hair, and a near toothless grin. She was wearing almost nothing, drenched in dirt, in Jared's, mother's, Neighbor's, front yard. Jared and I had already been fighting. I can't remember why anymore, only that my mom showing up made everything worse. I wasn't a very good girlfriend. I guess I'm still not much of one. It doesn't help that he can't read my mind, or grasp the many emotions that pass through me every day. Still, I can't say I didn't see it coming. I know it wasn't meant to last forever. There's only one relationship I have that will.
It felt like I was running away. I guess, I somewhat was. At least that's all i was tought to do. But as the world around me began to shrink beneath me, and I was looking down at my grandparents Neighborhood, I had an odd sense of home. "That's where I want to be, were I should be." I thought to myself. Still the call of my North Carolinian home town screamed my name, and it wasn't like I could turn back now. That might call for a parachute, and a cell phone. Two things I absolutely did not have, along with the courage to actually do something. I watched below as the people on the ground skurried and hustled below me. people I probably knew. All the while day dreaming of being a super agent, flying through time and space, making everything I needed appear out of thin air.