The you who is innocent and pure, all you know from me is my awkward, secretly painful laugh, the burning smile I plant on my face, the lies I've plastered on the outside. All you see is the black lies that stand as my protection. The stained lies burn through, until it leaves my heart charred, ruin, and broken. The me who is pained, scared, and unsightly, could never show this to you.
Every time I visit you, the area around us becomes so bright that even the sun can't compete. The air around you is pleasant, feeling calm enough for me to breathe. With your bright and kind words, it should give me no reason to feel so depressed. Anybody who looks at you can't help but be captivated, to be awed. Anybody except me. You were so kind to me that I shouldn't be hurt, but even that small happiness is leaving me.
Everything hurts so much. Inward, the anguished emotions I can't express are outwardly replaced with desperate lies. The pain of loneliness has somehow faded into the background without my knowing, and all I can do is complain and mope around. I was so desperate to lie so that you could keep on smiling, all I did was end up hurting myself in the process. To be honest though, I thought that as long as you were smiling, that was all I needed. Even if the whole world was against me, having you by my side would be all right..
But I didn't deserve your smile, or the kind words you spoke to me every day, or the brightness that illuminated you wherever you went. The you who was so opposite to me couldn't stop hurting my lie-stained heart. I didn't want you to end up the same as me, who can't do anything right. You never deserved any of this. You never deserved this crumpled baggage of silent, broken words. If anything, you deserved better, something that wasn't broken, messed up. Something that people scorned at and laughed at. And it hurt every time they questioned our friendship. There were so many rumors if you were just pretending, if you were with me out of pity. Everything just hurt.
Because of this, I believed that all of the problems surrounding you was because of me. That was because of my being here that you started getting worried about something. Maybe if I left, I had thought, everything would set itself right. Because of me, all the problems you never had were starting to sprout up from nowhere. If I disappeared, so would those problems, and maybe you would shine even brighter. If this trashy bag was to somehow be disposed of, maybe everything would right itself. Maybe, just maybe. Except, the thing was that you must have thought I was a cruel person for starting everything. And I couldn't stand the thought of that.
"It's for the best," I lied with a trembling smile, wishing that you would see me as a good person too.
Instead of turning away like everybody else, you just took my hand and held me close, saying, "It's okay to cry all you want. Everything will be fine, you'll see."
Everything hurt, from my closed throat, to my tearing eyes. And yet, the locked heart opened itself, spilling out the painful lies. Your gentle words found themselves replacing all of the negative pieces, as it stuck inside. As I choked on my tears, rubbing my burning eyes, you just held me, enveloping me in the gentle, warm light. Maybe things would get better.
Maybe, just maybe.