Max Starpuncher and the Space Bitches from Space

Max Starpuncher glared down over the top of the judge's stand at the quivering enlisted man before him. He lowered his badass shades to get a better look.

"Disgusting," he grunted, nudging his sunglasses back up the bridge of his nose with a sneer. He turned to the man at his side. "Henderson, fetch me a pitcher of whiskey."

"But General Starpuncher-"

"That's Double General to you, Henderson."

"Right, sorry sir. Double General Starpuncher, pardon my speaking freely, but have you already forgotten about last night? You drank the last four gallons on the ship while you were locked in negotiations with the She-Harlots of Boobylon 7."

"Of course I've forgotten, Henderson, I drank four gallons of whiskey." He paused. "But I do remember those Boobylonian girls. They bend in all the right places. Plus a few wrong ones."

Starpuncher gazed forlornly at the bowl of white sticks in front of him. "Am I supposed to eat these fucking cigarettes dry? Like some kind of animal? Do we have anything else I could use?"

"I believe there's rather a large quantity of vodka left over from our brief docking in Space Petersburg last month. "

"Space Petersburg? When the hell was that?"

"Your rendezvous with Natalya Nysrakovitch, sir."

Starpuncher thought for a moment. "Oh yeah! Man, I ought to give that broad a call."

"So vodka it is then? "

"Fine," he replied with a sigh. "If there really is nothing else. But make it quick."

Henderson scurried off to the officers' mess while Starpuncher pulled two cigarettes from the bowl and lit them. He took a long drag from both and finally turned his attention back to the man before him.

"Corporal Marvin Snerd, as you are aware, intergalactic law entitles those accused of criminal activity to a trial by jury of me. Thus you have been brought before space court. You are charged with the crimes of space desertion, space cowardice, and space generally-being-a-little-bitch-all-the-time. How do you plead?"

"... n-not guilty?" he squeaked.

"Bullshit. You are hereby sentenced to quit being such a little bitch. And you're officially demoted to whatever the hell one below Corporal is. Next case."